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The Wounds Of Adoption

I have always dreamt & fantasized about finding my biological mother from the early age of learning that I was adopted.  I had a mother out there that I would search for secretly in crowds every where I went,  looking at total strangers for a glimpse of recognition.  I had hopes that someday, someone would rescue & notice the sad little girl inside of me who needed answers & closure to this devastating loss I suffered that nobody seemed to really cared about.

I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away.  Even as a grown woman,  I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me.  What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.

These feeling within never seemed to rest, decorating different parts of my life in different kind of ways good, bad & ugly.  The truth was, I had two separate mothers that for whatever reason couldn’t bond with me, one by her own choice & the other by the design of adoption.  I used to ask myself & that sad little girl within if there was something really truly unlovable & wrong with me that I should know about that would make me unworthy of a mother true love, the way I as a mother love my own 2 daughters.

Sometimes life is truly unfair, dealing you a hand only you have the power to change.  So I decided to take what I had been given & use my infinite power to manifest the shit out of it in order to create my own needed fairytale.  I committed to my own healing process, doing acupuncture, bodywork, reiki, crystal healing, therapy, self care, self acceptance & most importantly self love to get to where I am right now.

Even though my biological mother Chris has been deceased for many years, her spirit lives on with her sister Jody, my aunt who I got to meet face to face last night for the very first time.  There is nothing like being able to touch your very own flesh & blood, knowing you share traits, DNA & things that most unadopted people take for granted.  It was impossible for me to stop staring at her, seeing the resemblance & knowing that little girl within me had finally transitioned to a place that didn’t feel so abandoned any more.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

*repost* 2017

 

 

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Life After Narcissistic Abuse

I had an epiphany yesterday after celebrating my husbands 42 birthday this past weekend. I realized in that singular moment of pure happiness that if those various suicide attempts I had tried way back when would have taken my life, I wouldn’t have be able to be where I am today.  I would have missed out on such a beautiful life outside of that pain, enjoying the feeling of profound emotions while experiencing this life with my family the way I dreamt of it to be.  

It wasn’t an easy road to get to this place where I am today,  having a life after narcissistic abuse but it never is when your committed to recovery & healing.  I had to destroy all of the beliefs that were instrumental in the pollution of my mental & emotional body that I suffered from my early childhood that I took with me unknowingly into my adulthood.  This narcissistic abuse once contaminated me down to the basics of my beautiful existence, stripping me away from the light that I am. 

Who I am today isn’t a reflection of how I was raised, yet how I chose to heal what I survived, detaching me from the ties that once bound me to this trauma.  I did the unthinkable & decided to use this power of my own beautiful love as growth,  instead of remaining small in the idea of remaining a victim to the punishable crimes that were once committed to my psyche & never accounted for.

Looking back from where I am today, it was that traumatized child within that choose many of the experiences I endured for its pain that I knew rather than that kind of love that I didn’t.  What I realized during my years in healing is that trauma will continue to manifest & torment you in ways beyond your control when they go uncared for, showing up in a variety of ways to feed your own oppressor that was created by the experiences within.  

I think from a higher being perspective understanding, these lessons were for my greater unconscious purpose, forcing me to be who & where I am today which is a most beautiful place to be.  I can with all my senses feel the riches of my healing wealth while enjoying the true fruits of this labor of self love & care.  It is because of that, that this can exist, reaping in all the extraordinary benefits that comes when you begin to peel & shed all those past layers.  

Sometimes, it is in those small reflective moments of pure alignment & knowing, you get a glimpse of the intended meaning behind a past event & why it was so important that you somehow managed to survive that day.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3   

 

 

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THE CORONAVIRUS GENEROSITY BAND WAGON

I decided to hop on the beautiful band wagon of generosity that is blowing up all around the world in lieu of the 2020 CORONAVIRUS & do a FREE TAROT READING GIVEAWAY on my INSTAGRAM page (find me at MAGICALMAVEN2). 30 minute card reading valued at $55.00. * NO PURCHASE NECESSARY

It’s really easy to enter & you can enter to win as many times as you would like.  I hope this cultivates more inspiration for others to get on board, offering up something back in hopes of threading the world back together with love, generosity, kindness, hope & togetherness.

 

 

HERE IS HOW TO ENTER THE GIVEAWAY

  1. Go to instagram & follow me ( MAGICALMAVEN2)
  2. Like the Tarot Giveaway post
  3. Tag 3 people you think could use a reading
  4. Share the post to your story
  5. Tell me what you doing at home to pass the time.

I will announce the lucky winner during a LIVE Instagram post on Thursday March 26 at 4pm eastern time.  The winner will be hand picked out of a Tibet bowl.  GOOD LUCK.

In the meantime, stay healthy, try to remain hopeful, get some fresh air when you can & remember this too shall pass. PEACE LOVE FAITH HOPE <3 <3 <3

 

 

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im blowing the whistle..toot toot

Ive spent the last 10 years openly writing about some emotionally charged topics most people cant, wont, are too scared, in denial to ever talk about..it started as an outlet for me to purge the grotesqueness that I had felt offering me a healthy way to bring to the surface a truth that I am no longer ashamed or afraid to speak about..

I gave myself this gift of permission to tell my own story of survival and how I had to give my self the acceptance to heal..you must decided to put your self first and not worry about what all the haters are going to say and do..they will play dirty with hopes of destroying you and will even stoop to lows with your kids in hopes of manipulating them against you (another form of abuse)..TRUE STORY

Any time you decide to put yourself out there, you run into the vast lands of vulnerability good, bad and or indifferent opening yourself up to exposer of critique and criticism..i have discovered that there are more people who identify with my blogs offering them a little bit of hope in the isolation of shame, shedding light on subjects that need to be talked about..

Its a natural feeling to not want to deal with your shit, neatly sweeping it under the carpet making the show room in your living room of life one fat problem of denial..you see, many people maintain a persona that is the designed opposite of what they hide purposely to derail you from knowing and seeing its utter truth..

If you could get a glimpse into the secret compartment of storage that housed all these thoughts, feelings, ideas, experiences, shame, guilt and abuse, you would see that they are wounded and hurt, suffering in pain (physical, emotional, spiritual) that is masked by whatever their “cocktail of deceit is” ..it is a façade, that at times they don’t even realize, that as long as the cover is veiled, their story is sealed tight..

I guess you could call me the whistle blowers to the atrocities that happened in the dynamics of a fucked up family..

Imagine the audacity at one of the holiest holidays of the Jewish religion (rosh hashana) to still be consumed about what Im doing, while using this platform with my ex in law/family to talk smack about me at their dinner table to MY own children in hopes of smearing my character and manipulating them against me..that is a FORM OF ABUSE YOU FUCKING IDIDOTS>>

Im blowing the whistle TOOOOT TOOOOOOOT, until people learn its not ok to deliberately try hurt other people (MY CHILDREN) from the pain, anguish and patheticness of their own state of being..stop being a coward and find a way to face your truth, or stop trying to purposely hurt the people left for you to love and focus on that! peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3

 

 

 

 

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the cultish effect in speaking bullsh!t as a first language..

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I stopped participating in the conversing art of bullshit a couple of years ago and got away from the “bullshit cult” I unintentionally belonged too in the process, REALLY!..we all know its a cultish language that’s made up and full of empty vocabulary words that kool aids your brain to make you believe in something that is the farthest from the truth to hook line and sink you..

I think sometimes people who are fluent in this style of behavior truly believe the hype of their own voice, using their over exaggerated facial expression and tone to extenuate the blubbering gibberish that comes out of their mouths..its an old school sales technique trying to get you to engage and be the “buyer” of their absurd invented fictional story that they know isn’t true..cult leaders us it to gain their “flock”.. Continue reading the cultish effect in speaking bullsh!t as a first language..

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The Wounds Of Adoption

I have always dreamt & fantasized about finding my biological mother from the early age of learning that I was adopted.  I had a mother out there that I would search for secretly in crowds every where I went,  looking at total strangers for a glimpse of recognition.  I had hopes that someday, someone would rescue & notice the sad little girl inside of me who needed answers & closure to this devastating loss I suffered that nobody seemed to really cared about.

I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away.  Even as a grown woman,  I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me.  What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.

These feeling within never seemed to rest, decorating different parts of my life in different kind of ways good, bad & ugly.  The truth was, I had two separate mothers that for whatever reason couldn’t bond with me, one by her own choice & the other by the design of adoption.  I used to ask myself & that sad little girl within if there was something really truly unlovable & wrong with me that I should know about that would make me unworthy of a mother true love, the way I as a mother love my own 2 daughters.

Sometimes life is truly unfair, dealing you a hand only you have the power to change.  So I decided to take what I had been given & use my infinite power to manifest the shit out of it in order to create my own needed fairytale.  I committed to my own healing process, doing acupuncture, bodywork, reiki, crystal healing, therapy, self care, self acceptance & most importantly self love to get to where I am right now.

Even though my biological mother Chris has been deceased for many years, her spirit lives on with her sister Jody, my aunt who I got to meet face to face last night for the very first time.  There is nothing like being able to touch your very own flesh & blood, knowing you share traits, DNA & things that most unadopted people take for granted.  It was impossible for me to stop staring at her, seeing the resemblance & knowing that little girl within me had finally transitioned to a place that didn’t feel so abandoned any more.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3