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My Real Father’s Day.

I don’t celebrate fathers day anymore, simply after a couple of years ago my dad choosing to have a relationship with my ex husband over keeping me as his daughter.  I actually had to force him to make a choice if you can believe that, as humiliating as that was.  In the end, it boiled down to my former father deciding which relationship he was going to keep, making him choose a side that day that altered & effected the outcome for the rest of our lives.

It was in that dreadful moment that I wasn’t chosen & disregarded that I realized I had to literally begin to mourn the loss of my living father who metaphorically died that day as my dad.  I was horribly criticized by the assholes of flying monkeys to my narcissistic mother & ostracized from this family for apparently abandoning my “parents”, even though it was them who let me go that day.  They remain toxically comfortable in their victim mentality, using the stories of their own distorted truth to narrate the fucked up dynamics of their broken family.

Personally I think I got to this place from all the years I suffered from their mental & emotional abuse,  that I just didn’t care anymore.  I became so calloused with the constant inflicted pain that it didn’t hold the same effect when I created that final nessesary boundary.  The triggering moment of this breakup came about when once again they tried to manipulate my oldest daughter for the umpteenth time against me in hopes of destroying our relationship, kicking in my inner mama bear one final time with them.  Only a sick parent does this shit.

I had spent years cleaning up & repairing the damage caused by the narcissistic abuse that has been plaguing this family for decades.   I lost my shit that day, rightfully so, after years & years of sucking it up feeling the minimizing stench of their dismissiveness.  I finally figured out this was not the normal behavior of how parents treat their children that I was taught to be love.  There is a brutal truth of mean spirited narcissistic parental abuse that so many people don’t speak about, that we the child silently suffer from.   

This is why I no longer celebrate this day that is specifically designed & assigned to the role of this parent. It took me over 40 years to learned this important, valuable lesson after going to therapy, acupuncture & a healer to begin my recovery of abuse.  I spent years as an adopted child begging to be loved by people who I realize in the end will never understand the definition, role & value of a true parent.  This wisdom is what finally aloud me to become free.  Peace Love Faith Hope❤️❤️❤️

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8 healthy tips to survive post divorce combative parent syndrome..

I wonder how many people would openly and honestly admit behind the secrecy of sound proof doors the day to day struggles of their post divorce parenting experiences..i wonder how many post divorcees would be honest enough to raise their hand in a safe group setting when asked by a show of hands, how many people suffer from this real combative behavioral circumstance..

I stumbled upon an article the other day while I was scrolling through facebook that got me thinking about my own personal situations and the hardship alone that have come with parenting, especially a teenager..even in the healthiest of together families this momentary phenomenon is quite the inevitable show down of hostility and emotions from time to time..

now, add into the shit mix a set of divorced parents who cant stand each other having very different views, making it nearly impossible to ever see eye to eye on anything..it can be at times the most combative experience leaving you at complete odds and making one of the parents the ODD ONE OUT by design..

I really believe these pre “adult” children need more parenting now than they did as infants and toddlers just in a completely different capacity..shit, looking back that was actually a walk in the park compared to what we have to deal with now a days..i see people with infants complaining about how hard it is and I think to myself, OHHH just wait..

lets be real, those sleepless nights are nothing compared to the worry, hostility and anxiety that can mentally and emotionally take you down..it can rains havoc on the whole family if you allow it and its frustrating as fuck to see someone you love temporarily vanish before your eyes as they stand in front of you..

they display no boundaries and have no remorse for the things that explode out of their mouths, looking at you dumbfounded by your reaction..seriously!their hormones alone are like a firing squad of attacks and assaults of untethered emotions that are all over the place never knowing when you will be bashed for simply being their parent..i remember quite well being a teenager!

the problem I have comes when the counter parent thing happens as a means to undermine and still control you post divorce..by design the combative parent will behave and appear to be their martyr making you in return looking like a complete asshole..these are strategic tactics to lessen your authority, value and worth as a parent causing and creating more hardship for the child actually than necessary..

teenagers believe in their under developed brain they are obsolete to consequences and will do whatever they can (lie, cheat, and manipulate) in order to get their way..I see so may teenagers who feel empowered through entitlement, running and operating the home like a boss..when a parent enables all this kind of horrible behavior (out their own fears) it overthrows your own authority, basically having no resect for you what so ever!

this generation in particular has an overzealous ego that is saturated in taking selfies and behaving narcissistic, never being held to a healthy standard of accountability..some parents go as far as engaging while turning a blind eye because they don’t want to be the parent and prefer to be their “friend”..our children desperately need our parenting now more than ever, look at the mental health statistics and see for yourself..it’s no joke as you roll your eyes at me..

even though some might believe and feel I know tidily squat about parenting a teenager from a divorce advantage, what I know for sure and learned from my own traumatic post divorce combative counter parenting is this:

  1. establish strong boundaries..this creates a safe space for you to not have to participate in the emotional rollercoaster the other parent wishes to take you for a ride on..this also is important with your teenager too!
  2. minimize your contact with your ex spouce..there is no need anymore for chatter and an opening for unsolicited dialog.. never use your child as a messenger, it is not their job..
  3. remain calm..(nearly impossible for me) even if your being poked and provoked to engage in the combat, take a deep long breath and try your hardest to disconnect..you have no emotional obligation to bat shit crazy anymore..
  4. don’t feel sorry for your child (you read that right)..you never want to raise your child as a victim because it prevents them from learning and establishing health viable survival techniques..they learn from you how to cope so setting healthy examples by using positive tools will give them the skills and the advantage of loving healthy relationships later on in life..
  5.  give your teenager boundaries and structure regardless of the teenage tantrum of slamming doors and screaming..they will thank you later and respect you more than ever by loving them enough to be a strong parent..you might have to wait until the terrible teenage years are over, just sayen..
  6.   be a role model..mean what you say, say what you mean and ALWAYS FOLLOW THROUGH..have integrity, honesty, morals, values, ethics, healthy loving relationships..be that loving positive example (they look up to you) so they have a better chance at a loving normal life regardless of how fucked up your divorce was..
  7.  find a good therapist..part of the problem is thinking you can manage on your own..that is where you are wrong..even the best families struggle and need an outside perspective to help navigate and guide you through todays times..its a whole other world out there now a days..
  8. lastly, take care of YOU..make sure you are of healthy mind body and spirit..find a healthy outlet that allows you to continue to grow and blossom in your own life..your children are not responsible for your happiness and to occupy your time..that is your own requirement to fulfill, not theirs..your ultimate job is to teach by design how to be a strong flexible honest truthful dedicated compassionate beautiful kind loving loyal trustworthy stand up kind of human being..if you cant be all that within yourself, what are YOU really teaching them in the end..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3
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mother of a soldier..

 

 

15085607_10154438081473145_5624614402126716708_nThere are times when we are invited by our children to be apart of their success and share in their beaming moments of absolute pride..it is in those moments of invitation that we are able see their hard work pay off and witness first hand the bliss of a job most well done and the completion of something so  incredibly special..

We had the pleasure last week on Thursday to be apart of something so beautiful and unique, taking my husband and I across the world to Israel where our daughter was graduating from her IDF military combat course..it’s not everyday that an Israeli born American girl who lived in Michigan grows up and decides after high school to go to Israel to discover her roots and serve her country of birth..it says a lot about who she is and who she wants to discover to be in a most aspiring way even if she can’t see the wisdom in it..Yet..

Personally I didn’t know if we would ever get to this Moment because it has been one of the hardest journeys to walk as a soldier and as her mother to watch, taking it day by day and moment by moment cheering Shezaf on her quest of some of the hardest work I think she physically mentally spiritually has ever had to do..the night before we were traveling down south to see her for the first time in a long time, marching her last hike in her course with her unit, left us both so over whelmed with emotion that neither one of us could sleep a wink..the thought alone of witnessing such an achievement from your kid outside the American “normal” experience is simply beyond any imaginable notion you have as an American I have had, especially because it took everything inside her to just get to this beautiful place of a part o e completion..

There are times when we think we have bitten off more than we realized we can chew and fight to stay afloat tredding our best to make it through a moment of wanting to give up..we struggle trying to find a place holding on tightly for dear life thinking about throwing in the towel because the shit you decide to do is really fucken hard! As a mother watching from the side lines my daughter travel a roller coaster of emotions from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows, I am ever prouder that she found a way to stick with it and make it to the end in something that not everyone could be able to complete setting her apart from ordinary to extraodinary..

We all have a defining second that sets apart everything you have done and finished..watching her arrive by foot walking in full gear and war paint from the path with 70 plus other soldiers up to where all the parents were waiting to greet and cheer their children on  was something so beautifully  unbelievable! For that split second we were all ONE unified and apart of something so much greater than the place we currently stand.. We are connected in a way that is a passage, right of way that congregates us all together sharing in such a magical moment of pride and joy..we wouldn’t have dreamed of missing this for the world and I hope she knows deeply how very proud we all are of her determination dedication and will to get to the place..

I still can’t believe she achieved something like this..not ever in my wildest dreams despite my famous go big or go home line, did I think I would be sitting her today with her being a palchatz soldier for the IDF guarding the country I still do and will forever call my home..while some might not ever understand this decision or approve of the path she has taken, in our eyes and the eyes of the state of Israel she is considered a WARRIOR..

May the universe continue to protect and push her and these soldiers allowing us the freedom to live in peace without fear..may the blessed protection I call upon daily continue to ensure her safety and surround her always with angelic light and love deflecting any harm that may potentially come near her! May she continue to have the faith within her self and the courage to keep moving forward along this journey keeping her head high and her heart open while she continues to navigate and make her way threw her IDF time…peace love faith hope

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an open letter to my birthday girl entering her twenties today..oye

it was 20 years ago today I became a title member of the mother club, your mother in particular..a job I took by choice because it looked cool that I had no pre requirements for or had any experience in..in fact, this job took me without any prior knowledge leaving me to be solely responsible for you in a most uneducated blind way, without ever truly knowing what the fuck I was doing..i was still a kid at heart myself, and all of a sudden was gifted your life in my hands..

i don’t think you are ever prepared for life, especially when you become responsible for another human beings life..i don’t think the books i read truly prepared me for this role since shit happens around the facts of life and throws you curve balls and situations that are not written around your already charging hormones and screaming baby.. Continue reading an open letter to my birthday girl entering her twenties today..oye

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I Cant Imagine What Its Like Being You In The Circle Of Us.

Im not sure what its like to be a step father but I can only imagine from my own perspective in the dynamics of this family, that it’s probably been the hardest job on earth.  I don’t think I would have survived if the roles were reversed, given the tools of my upbringing that I would have had to work with.  What I admire most about your commitment is how you always seem to put the energy of your love for us around everything else that trying to rip us apart.

I have watched you over this time navigate a path that came with out directions, into a family that has continued over time to diminish & take away the role that you became.  Sometimes the universe unbeknownst to us, chooses the timing of a love to come into fruition regardless of the external forces, to teach its lessons in that kind of love.  I believe we have always been chosen in each life together, to show the world around us, this intimate most beautiful lesson, as difficult & painful as it’s been.

In the last 5.4 years, I have watched you love these daughters as your own flesh & blood, even in time you were left empty handed.  I have witnessed the pride in your fatherhood role, even when it was resisted & one sided, never giving up because your love always wins.  You have always maintained a constant in a most shape shifting arena, demonstrating a resilience while teaching these girls about the importance of your own personal boundaries.

I cant imagine what its been like to be you in the circle of us, but I thank you for sticking around & never giving up on me & these beautiful souls.  Thank you For the constant understanding, strength, comfort, courage, compassion & love that has always flowed unconditionally within these challenging times. So today on this Fathers day I raise my grail of black liquid gold to you, for sticking with the vision of this divine love that we hold couragiously together for our family.

I want you to know that it never goes unnoticed in my own eyes for who you are to these girls, what you do to provide & the sacrifices you did in to in order to be here now.  Thank you for always believing is me, in the girls, in our family & the dreams we share together! HAPPY FATHERS DAY!

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love will always win….

we paid 10 dollars to get married at the court house, can you fucking believe that..no fairytale wedding to go along with our fairytale story..by choice.. no sit down meal, no open bar, no dancing, no cocktail hour, no rabbi, no wedding dress, no tuxedo, no groomsmen, no bridesmaid, no chupa, nope nada nothing..it was the most valuable well spent 10 bucks I think either one of us has ever spent in our entire lives, seriously..10 dollars and 5 years later, I think we made out pretty well with that decision many years ago if I can say so myself, not to mention that the bank account never suffered from this expense as well..

when my husband Eran came to the states, we needed to find out how he could go about legally working here and what we needed to do in order for that to happen..I called Jewish federation in our community to get some much needed help with some of the questions we had pertaining to him staying here..they suggested for us to get married after I explained our situation and story, and then to call them about a month later to start to process of his green card application for immigration.. Continue reading love will always win….