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The Invisible Grief & Loss Of Adoption

I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve.  Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.

This was something I felt deeply that would often times leave me to cry myself to sleep at night, being in a constant state of invisible grief.  I felt this energetic pull deep in my cells   which became the necessity to my search in everyone I could see.  There is now science to prove this cellular theory of mother child connected energy, having the fetal cells stay in circulations within the mothers body for 27 years after birth. I could have told you this existed all along but no body would believe.

Did you know that the suicide rate for adoptees is 4 time GREATER than that of non adoptees.  Our coping skills become so undeveloped because we are not ever taught from a young age how to grieve our first traumatic loss & heal from it.  Instead we learn how to suppress & modify our feelings to survive & get by in the world that hasn’t begun to acknowledge, notice & address our personal tragedy while we carry the burden with us, delightfully wrapped up in a gift.

Psychology now a days is becoming more in tune with this lack of awareness, that for years was dismissed or labeled as emotional/ behavioral issues problems.  I have always said that anger is the action form to pain, which in my case was the loss of my biological mother.   This felt loss of being energetically, emotionally, mentally & physically taken away from a mother has longer lasting effects on the psyche of a child & their sensory system, not ever addressing the wounds that are left to become unhealed untreated trauma.  This is a great recipe for these emotional & behavior issues.

Some of the most basic emotional skills that are required for being a human being are sometimes lost in translation with adoptees, leaving us to navigate these inner feelings & emotions alone.  Shame & guilt plays a huge roll in this inner dialog, becoming more worried about the adults emotional state when wanting to talk about these feelings & the trigger to the parents own unhealed trauma that brought them to adoption in the first place.  Adoptees are often times met with a form of “loving” retaliation, diminishing these basic needs to off set the deeper truth that nobody has the tools to cope with.

It wasn’t until the last 10 years with my husband & going to a healer that I learned in my 40s I needed to begin to mourn this tragic loss I suffered that still continued to haunt me everywhere decades later.  I had no idea that I suffered a traumatizing tragedy, denying myself a whole series of emotions that were the keys to my personal freedom in this healing process.  I had no clue that I had allowed for this deep pain to show up in every other relationships as an extension of expression to the variety of trauma & pain I held onto inside.  I had no clue that I was entitled to grieve my loss.  Peace Love Faith Hope

 

 

 

 

 

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The Unexpected Goodbyes Of Pandemic 2020

A little & A lot has happened over quarantine these last few months, taking my flow of emotions from one place to another without apology or remorse since that’s the way life rolls.   Instead I decided to become more vigilant to find the beauty in this unexpected event knowing that what was before, will no longer be again, opening the space for all of us to evolve.   It reminds me that no matter how far you think you have come in life, there will always be a crazy turn of events that will shake your foundation, spitting you out into the next act in your life.  How you land it is completely up to you.

My husband & I said goodbye to our oldest daughter this morning.  She decided a few weeks ago to pack up her entire life from our lower level which now is bare & empty into her car & move out of state.  It was time for a life change,  spreading her wings for flight as she drives to Florida for warmer brighter days.  I don’t believe she would have ever pulled the trigger if this pandemic wouldn’t have happened, creating in all honesty, a super charge of energy that is either going to force your drive or stall you out.  This kid decided to hit the gas instead, while so many of us are still stuck in neutral.

Since my day job as a manicurist was abruptly put on hold due to the pandemic, I decided it was time to begin identifing myself as a jewelry designer instead, specializing in the healing arts.  What I once was only capable of seeing as a hobby I now believe is my full time gig, feeling so creative & purposeful in this new place.  This pandemic shut down unintentionally broken down all the beliefs I had about my self, my job, my work & the false ideas that were limiting my growth.

What dawned on me during this lockdown is that I would have never had the courage to “stop” working as a manicurist on my own accord.  The universe however managed to conspired against me, showing me that this crippling fear of surrender had been more powerful in my head, than the actual act of me letting go.  All the stories I had made up about me not doing nails anymore, never once showed up in the last 9 weeks of this no work uncertainty, debunking all the myths i created first hand into leverage truths while I sit at home.  Where I go from here will be out of truth & no longer out of fear.

I think we as people create stories to keep ourselves small, contained & comfortable, relying on a fear of the unknown to dictate our own personal beliefs.  We naively live in this state until the eruption is more powerful that we bargained for, clearing the air so to speak  Sometimes the super natural force of life comes as a way to offset this mentality & awaken the human spirit once again for its personal evolution & the will to grow, prosper & live in the natural alignment of ones own self.

The world will continue to live, move, shift, arrange, leaving nothing to be permanent or for granted.  Where you go from here is entirely up to you & lets be clear it has never been normal from the get go.  Discover the opportunity of reinvention instead of this idea for a new kind of normal which across the board will never cease to truly exist & only remain to keep you small.    May the flight of life continue to inspire, encourage & illuminate all walks of life.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

 

 

 

 

 

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I am the light..

I never realized how bright my light is until I came to terms with how disruptive & chaotic my environment had been, surviving on emotional crumbs that I thought were full course meals of sustenance. I never put together that the ache in my emotional body was that of starvation, surviving on processed emotional nutrients of fuckedupness that nobody ever wanted to talk about.   This requires one to admit the deepest darkest truth about yourself that is spent in hiding.

Knowing & feeling utterly abandoned from the get go, I “ate” whatever love looked like out of hunger.  Even when it was abusive I didn’t know any better, just trying to feel full & nourished on very limited longevity.  I can remember always searching for something more because that is essentially what you do when the happy meal wears off, accepting whatever comes your way like a street dog taking scraps from any stranger that wants to feed it. Continue reading I am the light..

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All About Prince! | the unabbreviated enthusiasts’s show

Don’t You Just Love Prince? We Do! So we decided to invite our friend to join in our podcast and talk about this magical artist who’s music will forever remain relevant past the grave!
— Read on www.spreaker.com/user/unabbreviatedenthusiasts/all-about-prince

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“Look To Find The Path Forward”

 

I heard a sentence the other day the struck a nerve, so i wrote it down & pondered about it for a while.  “LOOK TO FIND THE PATH FORWARD” sounds pretty straight forward if you ask me, yet is one of the hardest journeys to attempt when you are in the midst of suffering.  The feeling of devastation ends up corroding the ability to make it out of a currant state of affairs / circumstance by imploding the trauma with more pain than healing, keeping you a slave to its suffering.

The hardest part of the human conditioning is too relearn what we were taught about loss, failure, disappointment & suffering.  This effects our personal belief system that has left us debilitated with the consequence of being unable to recover, heal & move forward.  Sometimes we tend to view these emotions with our false self that acts as a movie producer to our life, relying on a fear driven persona that is miserable & afraid, while creating a perfect image to prove this correct.

I think sometimes we are afraid to heal & move forward out of fear of what others might make of it.  Sometimes it’s seen as shameful to move forward in life after loss.  I remember my former mother telling me after my first divorces that maybe I just wasn’t marriage material & cut out to be someones wife.  Imagine if I would have fallen into her own fucked up distorted tank of love & given up before I met my now husband.

What I have learned is that sometimes these others don’t have our own best interest at heart, viewing themselves as the victim to what they would do if they were you.  This leaves most people afraid to move on after grieving & grow from these natural accuring human circumstances that often time leave us broken, empty & finished instead.

Post traumatic growth disorder (google it) is a real thing, when you feel like moving on from something is a bad thing.  Maybe we as a society in general have created a distorted belief system which allows for us to remain a victim & stay in the trauma instead of working towards a healthy outcome for a new normal, self care & healing.  Instead, many people are prescribed drugs to numb the pain & grief as a way to deal with its turbulent emotions instead of addressing them properly from the get go.

Ive seen people condemn others for finding happiness after the wake of devastation, scrutinizing & criticizing their ability to mold themselves from the ashes of ruins.  This is a gift of self love & care tapping into the innate survival of our species that move forward on the path of life.  If you watch nature, it teaches us to be unattached & free.

Im not afraid to be happy, finding the words to keep writing my story as time goes on.  Im not afraid to feel my grief & pain when I have suffered a loss, knowing the imprint that it has & the stain it leaves as it fades away.  Im aware that people can not be replaced, but experience can continue to be made when you’re willing to become vulnerable & open to life.

 

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there is no greater gift nor present than the one I actually get to create from scratch with my beloved husband

well its officially over and that’s a wrap, “POOF” an era ended just like that..who would have ever thought that we would have been able to one day grow out of the apartment that housed us all for the last 7 full years..especially when there were so many naysayers trying to create negatives within all our positives showing the world before us in the end that LOVE ALWAYS WINS..i cant stress it enough!

we have miraculously managed to live in a 1000 plus square foot space successfully, teaching me personally in truth about the real meaning of simplicity..i have no problem getting rid and purging items that are irrelevant and in the end only take up space that you can otherwise occupy you with love and good energy..

there is something incredibly wonderfully beautiful about packing up a household that no longer fits your family any more and knowing when its your time to move on..being able to finally have the capability to leave a space for somewhere different offering room to grow has been some kind of magic and I am beyond proud of the journey we have all taken to get to here..

all the things I was taught as lessons from the past are being currently applied to the now, creating success and abundance in accordance to all the hard work and effort I, we have put in to it..sometimes when you do the work your required to do along the hard journeys way, the worth you acquire pays off 10 fold making it all for something much greater than what you ever imagined would happen..

while we have always filled the contents of our space with love, we now have the ability to create a HOME that belongs to the both of us influenced from the streams of our connections and the decor of our heart and spirit..for this there is no greater gift nor present than the one I actually get to create from scratch with my beloved husband that is a true reflection of us as a couple, not to mention we can now finally hang a mezuzah..

so as I handed over my keys to the apartment today I smiled for us all, knowing in my heart the walls of our before will carry over to the structure of our new home creating more beautiful ideas, thoughts, impressions, fantasies, dreams, desires of abundant prosperous happenings..its only just the beginning for us in the city of Wixom <3

as I closed that door once last time, easily mind you, I have no hesitation of not ever looking back behind me and going to the home that now houses our new adventure in living..BYE BYE NOVI HELLO WIXOM…peace love faith hope

 

 

 

 

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The Invisible Grief & Loss Of Adoption

 

I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve.  Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.

This was something I felt deeply that would often times leave me to cry myself to sleep at night, being in a constant state of invisible grief.  I felt this energetic pull deep in my cells   which became the necessity to my search in everyone I could see.  There is now science to prove this cellular theory of mother child connected energy, having the fetal cells stay in circulations within the mothers body for 27 years after birth. I could have told you this existed all along but no body would believe.

Did you know that the suicide rate for adoptees is 4 time GREATER than that of non adoptees.  Our coping skills become so undeveloped because we are not ever taught from a young age how to grieve our first traumatic loss & heal from it.  Instead we learn how to suppress & modify our feelings to survive & get by in the world that hasn’t begun to acknowledge, notice & address our personal tragedy while we carry the burden with us, delightfully wrapped up in a gift.

Psychology now a days is becoming more in tune with this lack of awareness, that for years was dismissed or labeled as emotional/ behavioral issues problems.  I have always said that anger is the action form to pain, which in my case was the loss of my biological mother.   This felt loss of being energetically, emotionally, mentally & physically taken away from a mother has longer lasting effects on the psyche of a child & their sensory system, not ever addressing the wounds that are left to become unhealed untreated trauma.  This is a great recipe for these emotional & behavior issues.

Some of the most basic emotional skills that are required for being a human being are sometimes lost in translation with adoptees, leaving us to navigate these inner feelings & emotions alone.  Shame & guilt plays a huge roll in this inner dialog, becoming more worried about the adults emotional state when wanting to talk about these feelings & the trigger to the parents own unhealed trauma that brought them to adoption in the first place.  Adoptees are often times met with a form of “loving” retaliation, diminishing these basic needs to off set the deeper truth that nobody has the tools to cope with.

It wasn’t until the last 10 years with my husband & going to a healer that I learned in my 40s I needed to begin to mourn this tragic loss I suffered that still continued to haunt me everywhere decades later.  I had no idea that I suffered a traumatizing tragedy, denying myself a whole series of emotions that were the keys to my personal freedom in this healing process.  I had no clue that I had allowed for this deep pain to show up in every other relationships as an extension of expression to the variety of trauma & pain I held onto inside.  I had no clue that I was entitled to grieve my loss.  Peace Love Faith Hope

 

 

 

 

 

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the hidden meaning and message behind 5777..

there is a energetic meaning behind the Jewish New year number of 5777, sending out messages of infinite wisdom and clarity if you are capable enough to see them in the aspects to which they are presented to us, each individually and at specific times..

the number 5, has specific vibrations that influence your life changes that will inspire you to have to make choices and decisions that are prudent to your growth giving way to advancements, promotions, and anything that allows you to achieve your personal goal and freedom..this number is about you individually creating a path to learn life’s lessons that empower you while educating you for the future situations handing you better tools and managing abilities.. Continue reading the hidden meaning and message behind 5777..

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“Hi, its me the boy from the banana fields”

Have you ever been so down and out in your personal relationships, that you know in your heart of hearts that it has to be better than this..i was twice divorced in the years in between my encounter with Eran and a couple of failed relationships later..on paper I must have looked like a fucking hot mess, que in all my imaginary red marks of failure that im accustomed too.. I was a walking relationship disaster, a single mom with 2 daughters from 2 different fathers to boot, and I was living on my own for the first time ever and barely getting by.. i always believed and remained hopefully for that soulful kinda love I knew was out there waiting for me, that one day I would attain no matter what..

i was very conveniently busy ignoring my own personal truth and avoiding the work I truly needed to do in a very deep rooted way..i was surface riding at times my emotions and diving down other times to check in and connect to myself, and spent more time abandoning that ship than actually paying better attention to the bigger picture..the jewish new year was approaching and I decided to take advantage of that wonderful new beginning energy and have a face to face with the universe which was long over due and much needed..

Continue reading “Hi, its me the boy from the banana fields”

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P.S…when destiny decided to throw you a bone

what if you knew deep down in the smallest threads of your soul, that somewhere along the way in your life, you had encountered your souls TRUE mate..would you ever believe the feeling in your gut, knowing some where out there, some place, at one moment in time, you connected with a specific person so intensely that it was etched into the fabrics of your being as a reminder for when destiny decided to throw you a bone..i used to dream for years all the time, the same dream, in Israel searching for a man aimlessly who i knew I knew but could never see his face yet knew he belonged to me..do you think you would know?

I believe we have many mates to our soul..that our soul tribe is specific for our growth in our many lives, and that people come to us and we to them for specific lessons, providing specific attributes that we must have for our spiritual emotional physical purpose and for our soul to evolve expand and ascend to higher grounds..even if it at times these people bring out the worst in us, there is a lesson to be learned somewhere in between the heartache and pain for your ultimate benefit..the souls education is continuous and our humanness can either get in our own way, or lean to trust the process and flow according to the universal properties provided within the contracts of its higher laws.. Continue reading P.S…when destiny decided to throw you a bone