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The Virus Of Hate

Historically our species collectively has brutally repeated the same horrible acts of cruelty onto each other for centuries, never once really learning from this monstrous past.  Humanity has really done a number on us in hopes of dividing us up & making us believe that we are more different than alike, which is the farthest from the truth.  We all collectively share the same unique structure right beneath our skin, which makes us in our purest form together beautiful human.

It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet.  The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses.  If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why  aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.

We as human beings are slowly spreading this virus that is generationally laced with fear & anger used to destroy each other with words, beliefs, thoughts, feelings & actions.  It works to infect the unhealthy individuals who in return spread its chaos to the masses, creating a domino effect of environmental dominance.  The absence of love has never been hate, yet a deep unhealed pain that will continue to grow like a cancerious mass if not treated properly.

While I don’t have the answer to somebody else’s hateful ways & beliefs, I can only pray to remain able to see the beauty & infinite love in all our differences.  This planet needs our human attention in co creating a place where we can live peacefully with each other, making EARTH our prime objective.  Mother Nature is screaming at her children for a healing change, as she watches us destroy her land & everything she beautifully created for a place for us to live.

We have so many smart people, yet not one has found a cure to the most toxic virus known to man. I just cant fucking understand that.  So I cast my droplet of loving spirit into this vast beautiful universe & PRAY for the powerful creation that will spread the contagion of love.  LOVE is the ultimate antidote with its infinate healing properties that nourishes, replenishes & is the original medicine.  This is the human vaccine we should be really pushing for.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

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My Real Father’s Day.

I don’t celebrate fathers day anymore, simply after a couple of years ago my dad choosing to have a relationship with my ex husband over keeping me as his daughter.  I actually had to force him to make a choice if you can believe that, as humiliating as that was.  In the end, it boiled down to my former father deciding which relationship he was going to keep, making him choose a side that day that altered & effected the outcome for the rest of our lives.

It was in that dreadful moment that I wasn’t chosen & disregarded that I realized I had to literally begin to mourn the loss of my living father who metaphorically died that day as my dad.  I was horribly criticized by the assholes of flying monkeys to my narcissistic mother & ostracized from this family for apparently abandoning my “parents”, even though it was them who let me go that day.  They remain toxically comfortable in their victim mentality, using the stories of their own distorted truth to narrate the fucked up dynamics of their broken family.

Personally I think I got to this place from all the years I suffered from their mental & emotional abuse,  that I just didn’t care anymore.  I became so calloused with the constant inflicted pain that it didn’t hold the same effect when I created that final nessesary boundary.  The triggering moment of this breakup came about when once again they tried to manipulate my oldest daughter for the umpteenth time against me in hopes of destroying our relationship, kicking in my inner mama bear one final time with them.  Only a sick parent does this shit.

I had spent years cleaning up & repairing the damage caused by the narcissistic abuse that has been plaguing this family for decades.   I lost my shit that day, rightfully so, after years & years of sucking it up feeling the minimizing stench of their dismissiveness.  I finally figured out this was not the normal behavior of how parents treat their children that I was taught to be love.  There is a brutal truth of mean spirited narcissistic parental abuse that so many people don’t speak about, that we the child silently suffer from.   

This is why I no longer celebrate this day that is specifically designed & assigned to the role of this parent. It took me over 40 years to learned this important, valuable lesson after going to therapy, acupuncture & a healer to begin my recovery of abuse.  I spent years as an adopted child begging to be loved by people who I realize in the end will never understand the definition, role & value of a true parent.  This wisdom is what finally aloud me to become free.  Peace Love Faith Hope❤️❤️❤️

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I pronounce today, step dad day!



my husband is a step dad to our two girls for the last 7 years (now 21 and 16), who have each their own separate natural fathers from my previous marriages..

yes, you read that correct, I am a 3 time now very happily supported, nourished and beyond loved married woman who is now finally with the person I should have been with all can go back into my blog achieves and read all about our love story and how we landed is a modern day fairy tale..

I don’t think you ever really realize what you signed up for up for, until you are knee deep in enemy territory with an entire former family (I had to eventually cut family ties) rooting for your failure..still to this day mind you..

it is one of the hardest parental playing fields to have to navigate, especially when there are narcissistic adults involved who have purposely dismiss the step father role and his place in the family creating a wedge of hatred instead of a bridge of love..

I can tell you how much my husband loves us for not ever wanting to leave based on his personal experience over the course of the last 7 years with an entire family who chose to play dirty and defensively..

between the explosive verbal confrontations, the mental and emotional mind games, the  disrespect and abandonment..every step you took that was originally created for healthy ties seemed and felt like an opposing assassination waiting to annihilate us and him for being their step dad..

that alone says a lot about his commitment and character, his unconditional love and devotion to me and the girls he loves and cares for as if they are his own children.. 

i think as adults we have a responsibility to teach our children about the boundaries of a healthy loving relationships with ourselves and with others, and that personal boundaries don’t equate to someone being an asshole..

I think my husband has had an unfair ride with being a step father and has somehow managed to rise above all these horrendous obstacles while maintaining to continue to support, provide, nourish, invest, expand, grow, and give everything he has and can out of his love..

this speaks volumes louder than all the hate in our for that, I raise my grail of coffee this morning, the day before “fathers day” and give my beautiful husband who is never recognized his own day..

thank you for loving us unconditionally, for not giving up, for standing your ground, for not taking anybody elses shit, for teaching what loving a woman is supposed to look like, for having my back, for being a solid ground, for teaching morals and ethics that are prudent in a family, for never turning your back and for accepting the challenge of being the most beautiful strong elephant skinned step parent ever created! WE LOVE YOU..<3 <3 <3 peace love faith hope















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Yesterday was WORLD NARCISSIST ABUSE AWARENESS DAY.  All the naysayers & haters can roll their eyes until they’re dizzy & pass out,  but this abuse is extremely real mentally & emotionally as real can be.  It is disguised with smoke & mirrors, operating in a covert physiologically distrutive way,  hiding its marks within the emotional/ mental body creating traumatic invisible wounds that don’t externally bleed.

I grew up in a home with adoptive parents that consisted of a mother who suffers from this personality disorder & a co dependent father who was groomed to become her professional enabler.  You would  have never have know the amount of dysfunction that went on behind closed doors,  due to the extraordinary lengths my mother went to in being a pillar of goodness in all her external collective communities purposely. Continue reading #ifmywoundswerevisible

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I am the light..

I never realized how bright my light is until I came to terms with how disruptive & chaotic my environment had been, surviving on emotional crumbs that I thought were full course meals of sustenance. I never put together that the ache in my emotional body was that of starvation, surviving on processed emotional nutrients of fuckedupness that nobody ever wanted to talk about.   This requires one to admit the deepest darkest truth about yourself that is spent in hiding.

Knowing & feeling utterly abandoned from the get go, I “ate” whatever love looked like out of hunger.  Even when it was abusive I didn’t know any better, just trying to feel full & nourished on very limited longevity.  I can remember always searching for something more because that is essentially what you do when the happy meal wears off, accepting whatever comes your way like a street dog taking scraps from any stranger that wants to feed it. Continue reading I am the light..

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The art in healing..

ive cried a lot lately, for so many different reasons I would really need to write a book to convey all its glorious which has been a thought I have played with for a long time now..I just dont seem to want to hold my shit in anymore (this working with crystals is really powerful), breaking apart emotionally almost as a form of a spiritual exorcism to rid the emotional body of its lingering pain that I feel is currently taking place inside of me wanting absolute freedom..

I think this break though that has been going on is in preparation for the greatness that is formulating around me especially since I am transitioning into the later half of life reaching 50 in less than a year and a is forcing me to go back to the place where it all began needing the biggest form of compassion for healing..i believe as unhealed adults which most of us are, we still need to rewind into our inner childhood and give attention to the areas which are wounded struggling to evolve through its unfinished business in our today life.. Continue reading The art in healing..

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Apron Strings | the unabbreviated enthusiasts’s show

Great talk about when to let go of your kids, along with sharing a break through I have had emotionally in my own personally healing journey!
— Read on

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A “bad moms” kinda mother day

I woke up to bouquet of white and pink magical roses yesterday for mothers day with reminiscent photos of when I was a single mom to my oldest daughter on the kitchen going to openly admit that mothers day is a “holiday” I have long struggled with from being raised by a narcissist that actually has been more of a painful thorn in my heart and gut over the years, so it was unexpected serge of sweet loving happiness..

I know for a lot of people this day can be quite emotional, painful in fact for so many people for so many reasons with many layers of complicated feelings or sensitivities..for me personally this whole mother thing has been rightfully confusing as it begins at my birth to a mother I was ripped away from for all her loving reasons, to me being adopted to a woman who could only love herself, never properly really bonding with me or any of her children for that matter, to finally becoming a mother myself, which has let’s not lie been book worthy.. Continue reading A “bad moms” kinda mother day

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a lie is a lie, no matter the size, shape or color..


I used to make up a lot stories when I was a kid that actually had great texture and imagination to them, or so I thought..i constructed these imaginary fabrications as a comfort blanket to the insecure feelings that I had inside as a child, pretending to be someone other than the adopted me I was supposed to be that I couldn’t truly identify with..

I had so many different ideas and images as to who I could be before I was adopted, that I began making up first hand stories that I believed with a biological ache that nobody seemed to ever discover or understand..i guess you could say I was quite the performer, who sucked at the delivery.. Continue reading a lie is a lie, no matter the size, shape or color..

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your children are not your enlighten perspective


I have been a huge SUPER SOUL SUNDAY fan for a long while now, watching my DVR episodes when I need a spiritual pick me up or just some added food for thought..i have always loved and respected Oprah and found this specific series that she does something I could relate too, telling my husband one day it will be me that she is interviewing..(snort snort)  

how many of you ever watch SUPER SOUL SUNDAY or even heard of it for that my last healing session a couple of weeks ago, the topic of “children” came up again as my healer had a video she wanted to share with me..i have never raised my daughters with a “leash” as an owner,  but rather with healthy nurturing boundaries and structure for them as growing individuals..

after watching the clip I felt a wave of release and confirmation about the way I feel and my belief system regarding the raising of my daughters..there is something profound in knowing your truth untethered from the desire to control, which was how i was raised and different from how I chose to raise my own 2 girls.. 

I think part of the perpetual problem with some people is their dire need for so much usually stems from their own inadequate, deep rooted inner feelings and life choices which then bleeds into other areas of their self takes on a life of its own as they become an authority on everything subjecting others to their emotional outbursts when you begin to establish your limitation.. 

when they are parents however, it takes on a whole other role transforming the innocence of a child’s love into the critical reason for their over baring attitude..somehow they have managed to enmesh themselves in a manipulative way (conscious or unconscious), making the distinction between parent and child blurry..with these types of sloppy boundaries, they are no longer doing right by the child yet only trying to do right for themselves..

this type of behavior has long lasting negative emotional effects of denial, anxiety, fear, people pleasing, while suffocating the natural ability to grow independent of the parent which is the essential goal when raising your children..i see so many adults who are either co dependent on their parents, or making their children overly co dependent on them breading really unhealthy behavior..

some end up protecting their children above and beyond ones natural ability to learn how to cope, manage, and survive in their own storm of drama stunting their emotional and spiritual return it promotes a belief that they are no longer accountable or responsibility awakening a persona of a grandiose narcissistic behavior which is currently on the rise..

I have learned thankfully, the essential gift of taking the time and finding out who I am outside my role as a mother by design..i think part of the reason why I am balanced, stable and healthy in my mind body and heart is because above all, I know my truth and eventually the arrow you allow to be free always returns to the stable bow..peace love faith hope..