Ive been scrutinized in the past for publicly speaking about what some might deem as airing my “dirty laundry”, exposing some deep dark layers from my own experienced truth. Some would even go as far to say that it never happened, playing ignorant as a deflective tool to eliminate the circumstance & experiences. The dynamics of …
Have you ever payed attention to how you view the exterior world & the people who occupy its space. Many time we see the outer enviorment with our own unique eyes, often times manipulating it to better suit our own individual needs verses the actual truth to which it exist. The reality is, we see things from our own personal mental & emotional projector sensory system based on our personal upbringing & environment.
I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers. I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation. They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out. You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.
It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet. The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses. If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.
I had never in my life struggled with my own weight & could probably eat many of you under the table. I did however grow up in a home with an adopted mother who body shamed me because of her own weight loss & diet obsessed body dysmorphia imagine, which got consciously transferred onto me. Unlike her, I was graced with a set of biological genetic genes that is nothing like hers that created a jealousy instead, unknowingly internalizing this shame within my own beautiful body.
I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had. In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche. My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.
Theres been a lot of what I call Corona Angry Entertainment during this lockdown, now actively unfollowing & choosing to socially distance my self even more so from most of the shit show network & social media nonsense. I decided for my own pursuit of optimism & happiness, to check out from the outlets that act like a peacock …
Ive scrapped many blogs lately, embarrassed that I have nothing positive to say at this particular ( what day is it anyway) moment due to the currant state of our CORONA world & that we have absolutely no income coming in at the currant moment. Being that both my husband I are self employed in …