I couldn’t understand the gravity back then of what it meant to reclaim my spirit & how my light was actually a source of energy for those just looking to suck it dry. There is a psychology name for those kind of people now, they call them emotional vampires (energetic mosquitos) that feed off your energy supply.
Sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in the most genuine healthy way for your own self preservation, which goes against the nature of most people & personalities regardless of how you were raised. Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative mental inplantation connotation surrounding it.
I feel less inclined to make public what is going on with me personally, especially threw social media outlets allowing things to become more sacred for myself. Im no longer apt from a balanced ego standpoint to make my self feel socially relevant & use the clicks of like from people to feel special. I am all that without the confirmation from the outlets that in reality can become unhealthy, addictive & disruptive to the reality of a natural exisstance.
I think sometimes we are afraid to heal & move forward out of fear of what others might make of it. Sometimes it’s seen as shameful to move forward in life after loss. I remember my former mother telling me after my first divorces that maybe I just wasn’t marriage material & cut out to be someones wife. Imagine if I would have fallen into her own fucked up distorted tank of love & given up before I met my now husband.
I have been in family esk therapy now for over 5 months. It took admitting that we as a unit needed an intervention to help aid in our relationship as a “unconventional” family with highly toxic extremities. I have no shame in saying that sometimes there are things, people, behavior & situations that are outside your capacity of managing, being encouraged …
I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet. The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses. If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.
I have watched you over this time navigate a path that came with out directions, into a family that has continued over time to diminish & take away the role that you became. Sometimes the universe unbeknownst to us, chooses the timing of a love to come into fruition regardless of the external forces, to teach its lessons in that kind of love. I believe we have always been chosen in each life together, to show the world around us, this intimate most beautiful lesson, as difficult & painful as it’s been.
For a while, I was my own perpetrator, mismanaging my thoughts, feeling & beliefs about myself out of the misinformation I never bothered to fact check & just assumed to be true because of the packaging this information came from. I felt powerless to myself so I thought that aloud me to give into these beliefs while being my own worst enemy, giving the outside world permission to mirror the way I had once internally treated myself.