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The Human Truth Compass

Ive been scrutinized in the past for publicly speaking about what some might deem as airing my “dirty laundry”, exposing some deep dark layers from my own experienced truth.  Some would even go as far to say that it never happened, playing ignorant as a deflective tool to eliminate the circumstance & experiences. The dynamics of this family history alone, before I ever came adopted into the picture, speaks naturally for itself.  Secrets make us sick, generating a lineage of dis ease that gets passed on to each & every family member who participates, knowingly & unknowingly.

I believe part of the reason why I finally have my shit together & was able to properly do the healing is that I’m no longer hiding in the shadow of the secrets that have plagued this family for generations.  By bringing my own story to light, I set free the darker secrets I held in the mental dungeon of my mind out of fear that had continued to harm my over all being.  This also gave a powerful energetic healing flow to my children & my children’s children to energetically shift the dynamics of this once toxic inheritance a healing healthy future.

We come into the world naturally uncultivated, pure & instantly programed with a families own code of ethics & morals.  Sometimes as children we are not allowed to question these systems that are already in place, allowing us only to be seen & not heard.  We are instructed to behave within this structure of dynamics not knowing any differently until we begin to engage in the outside world for ourselves, seeing an array of different experiences, circumstances & upbringings.

What I know now is that I was raised in the home with a narcissistic adopted mother who’s own personal human truth compass of ethics & morals was distorted & exaggerated from her own personal trauma & upbringing.  When you begin to heal the facets to your own unique history,  you automatically bring forth the light that generates a positive light bulb effect outlook destroying the ideas & beliefs that was previously limiting.  This allows for the rebuilding of a healthier life that is plentiful & abundant by changing the narrative & shifting the viewpoints that better suite you.

Historically we have witnessed these types of behaviors that have been a huge reoccurring human conditioning theme, down to its original generational roots unaware of its harmful wrong doings.  Many people even today are oblivious & or blinded as a tool of convenience, not wanting to ruffle any feathers to see its painful truth.  We all carry to some degree the burden of our own storage locker of secrets that stay dormant, which when triggered becomes disguised & translated  into physical aliments or expressive angry negative feelings.  Hurt people, hurt people.

I believe we are in a loop of a human social experience with an explosion of unhealed childhood trauma continually showing up in the adult division of the world,  raising their own offspring in the same manner.  Now a days, it feels very over populated with fear & anger, deliberately bating you into its own agenda & narrative.  There are so many hateful used tactics in order to harness its credibility & dismantle the minds ability to naturally & instictively think for its self.  Stupidity has become a social norm disease, that leaves us socially deficient in the end, creating space while filling in the gaps with a false sense of stability & reality as a cover.

What i have learned from my own personal experiences is that sometimes the beliefs we believe to be certainties, come from the distorted interpretations that have been passed onto to you.  Find ways to generate your own personal narrative of principles & beliefs for healing & alignment.  Only once we are able to master our own source of self sustaining healing, can we begin to naturally influence the world around us with love, kindness & unification. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

Repost From July 2017

 

 

 

 

 

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The Invisible Grief & Loss Of Adoption

I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve.  Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.

This was something I felt deeply that would often times leave me to cry myself to sleep at night, being in a constant state of invisible grief.  I felt this energetic pull deep in my cells   which became the necessity to my search in everyone I could see.  There is now science to prove this cellular theory of mother child connected energy, having the fetal cells stay in circulations within the mothers body for 27 years after birth. I could have told you this existed all along but no body would believe.

Did you know that the suicide rate for adoptees is 4 time GREATER than that of non adoptees.  Our coping skills become so undeveloped because we are not ever taught from a young age how to grieve our first traumatic loss & heal from it.  Instead we learn how to suppress & modify our feelings to survive & get by in the world that hasn’t begun to acknowledge, notice & address our personal tragedy while we carry the burden with us, delightfully wrapped up in a gift.

Psychology now a days is becoming more in tune with this lack of awareness, that for years was dismissed or labeled as emotional/ behavioral issues problems.  I have always said that anger is the action form to pain, which in my case was the loss of my biological mother.   This felt loss of being energetically, emotionally, mentally & physically taken away from a mother has longer lasting effects on the psyche of a child & their sensory system, not ever addressing the wounds that are left to become unhealed untreated trauma.  This is a great recipe for these emotional & behavior issues.

Some of the most basic emotional skills that are required for being a human being are sometimes lost in translation with adoptees, leaving us to navigate these inner feelings & emotions alone.  Shame & guilt plays a huge roll in this inner dialog, becoming more worried about the adults emotional state when wanting to talk about these feelings & the trigger to the parents own unhealed trauma that brought them to adoption in the first place.  Adoptees are often times met with a form of “loving” retaliation, diminishing these basic needs to off set the deeper truth that nobody has the tools to cope with.

It wasn’t until the last 10 years with my husband & going to a healer that I learned in my 40s I needed to begin to mourn this tragic loss I suffered that still continued to haunt me everywhere decades later.  I had no idea that I suffered a traumatizing tragedy, denying myself a whole series of emotions that were the keys to my personal freedom in this healing process.  I had no clue that I had allowed for this deep pain to show up in every other relationships as an extension of expression to the variety of trauma & pain I held onto inside.  I had no clue that I was entitled to grieve my loss.  Peace Love Faith Hope

 

 

 

 

 

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The Harmful Effects Caused From The Opinions Of Others.

Someone, somewhere, maybe even sometime long ago might have shared their own opinions & beliefs about you, altering the way you feel about yourself from that moment forward.  This implantation of someone else’s thoughts & ideas often times leads to a lifetime of misguided information taking you away from who you truly are, molding you intentionally into someone that was never meant for you to become.

My first real informative memory of the other people opinion outside of the ones I got from my home was my being held back in 1st grade.  I can remember constant ridicule with the same first grade teacher ( Mrs. Siminack) I had to repeat the grade with, pointing out to the classroom when I still couldn’t answer the question, that I had done 1st grade already & should know the answer.  I was 6 years old & probably still healing from having my index finger cut off the year before in an accident.

This translated to the humiliation of my peers on the playground which I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid & held back, feeling isolated while wanting to retreat to a place of make believe for survival.  This instance changed the dynamics of my self, my desire to learn, handicapping my entire school experience from then on out.  You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had emotionally endured & suffered from as a child.

Sometimes we can feel this unrecognizable disconnection within us, nagging at the deepest level of self & the dyer need of its attention.  Most times we are incapable of noticing this other level persona who desires to arise in its most purest form because we have done a really good job from the opinions of others to cover & hid this truth.  Many times we become the complete opposite of what we dream to be as a way to protect the truth within, living in the disguise of other people opinions.

I spent a lifetime as a seeker for my own sacred personal truth in the shadows of my adoption, looking for anything that remotely engaged my innate senses.  I didn’t know who I was at all, conflicted with my natural disposition to the one that was forced upon me that I used to navigate & survive in a narcissistic home with a narcissistic mother.  I was molded to be an ugly girl trapped outside my beautiful spirit to survive in this life, making me into someone I now cringe at the thought of.

This was my biggest blockage in trying to achieve anything remotely associated with my own true desires & dreams, hearing all those criticizing words in my head as obstacles & roadblocks.  I gave full permission for this less of life notion, not every really understanding or valuing my own worth of life until my mid 40s.  All the external seeds that had been planted within my garden of weeds were not the ingredients I would have chosen for myself that I deeply needed as nourishment.

So I decided to redesign & build my own beautiful garden, taking the seeds I got deliberately dealt with & use all the experiences as gifts to transform into a powerful magnificent specimen of woman they couldn’t dream id ever become.  After years of purposely dumbing myself down for the comfort of others, I decided to arise from this courage of my own true wisdom.  This is 100 percent of life’s education for me.

Don’t ever be afraid to question all of your own inner thoughts, ideas, dreams & desires out of fear of doing wrong with the opinions of others that tend to ring stronger in your own mind.  Sometimes those wrong & hurtful unsolicited opinions of others are the narrative in their own personal powerful story of life that isn’t your burden in life to have to carry.   Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

 

 

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The Virus Of Hate

Historically our species collectively has brutally repeated the same horrible acts of cruelty onto each other for centuries, never once really learning from this monstrous past.  Humanity has really done a number on us in hopes of dividing us up & making us believe that we are more different than alike, which is the farthest from the truth.  We all collectively share the same unique structure right beneath our skin, which makes us in our purest form together beautiful human.

It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet.  The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses.  If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why  aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.

We as human beings are slowly spreading this virus that is generationally laced with fear & anger used to destroy each other with words, beliefs, thoughts, feelings & actions.  It works to infect the unhealthy individuals who in return spread its chaos to the masses, creating a domino effect of environmental dominance.  The absence of love has never been hate, yet a deep unhealed pain that will continue to grow like a cancerious mass if not treated properly.

While I don’t have the answer to somebody else’s hateful ways & beliefs, I can only pray to remain able to see the beauty & infinite love in all our differences.  This planet needs our human attention in co creating a place where we can live peacefully with each other, making EARTH our prime objective.  Mother Nature is screaming at her children for a healing change, as she watches us destroy her land & everything she beautifully created for a place for us to live.

We have so many smart people, yet not one has found a cure to the most toxic virus known to man. I just cant fucking understand that.  So I cast my droplet of loving spirit into this vast beautiful universe & PRAY for the powerful creation that will spread the contagion of love.  LOVE is the ultimate antidote with its infinate healing properties that nourishes, replenishes & is the original medicine.  This is the human vaccine we should be really pushing for.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

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The Last Day Of My Pandemic Vacation.

Tomorrow I return to my manicuring day job 3 exact months later due to the pandemic mania lockdown 2020.  I think my circadian rhythm is aligning with my sleep pattern again naturally, waking me up this morning at my usual time of 6:15am when I don’t have to actual be at work until tomorrow.  Our body is such a beautiful remarkable mechanism of restoration, when we allow it to flow in its divine energetic sync of life.

Over the course of the last 3 months I have surprisingly been taught things I didn’t realize I could learn, making my time here on earth really count for more, even during the lock down. What I chose NOT TO DO for my inner psyche was to sit back & be in a constant destructive thought pattern of negativity to a temporary situation that was fully out of my own control.  Sometimes this planet offers us a sobering series of life’s lessons requiring a healthy state of mind (emotionally, mentally & spiritually) for the examination.  I believe we actually were just tested.

What I did instead was use this moment wisely for my highest good, really dissecting that box I believed I was once designed for no longer fits me emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. I think personally the biggest virus I chose to evade during this entire time & not become infected with is the memetic virus of the human mind.  The last 3 months I have grossly watch it spread from person to person, contaminated by the outlets used to intentionally programed us with fear.  It really makes me think about how I intend on conducting myself from here on out, stepping away even more so from the things that are simply processed instead of organic.

I came to realize I that I really do have that strength & resilience with myself, my husband & our daughters, as we each have grown in our own unique ways.  I have done things that I can say prepandemic I would have never have done or thought of doing out of fear, rescuing those thoughts, feeling & beliefs from the misplaced territories that they once resided within.  I think there is something really beautiful in the darkness of a situation, hopefully inspiring one to search for its unmeasurable light in hopes of growth, restoration & the expansion of self.

May you find the courage to rewire your life, using the energetic chain supply of nutrients that are abundant & available to further the evolution of the human spirit.  May you have the real courage to not only detox the body, yet the pollutants of the mind & spirit that are more contaminated than you could ever really realize.  May you find the unique beauty in this momentary set back that has now pushed you again forward in hopes of finding its universal gifts for the taking.  Everything in nature works in a cycle, we are just required to pay closer attention.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3 

 

 

 

 

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The Wounds Of Adoption

I have always dreamt & fantasized about finding my biological mother from the early age of learning that I was adopted.  I had a mother out there that I would search for secretly in crowds every where I went,  looking at total strangers for a glimpse of recognition.  I had hopes that someday, someone would rescue & notice the sad little girl inside of me who needed answers & closure to this devastating loss I suffered that nobody seemed to really cared about.

I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away.  Even as a grown woman,  I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me.  What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.

These feeling within never seemed to rest, decorating different parts of my life in different kind of ways good, bad & ugly.  The truth was, I had two separate mothers that for whatever reason couldn’t bond with me, one by her own choice & the other by the design of adoption.  I used to ask myself & that sad little girl within if there was something really truly unlovable & wrong with me that I should know about that would make me unworthy of a mother true love, the way I as a mother love my own 2 daughters.

Sometimes life is truly unfair, dealing you a hand only you have the power to change.  So I decided to take what I had been given & use my infinite power to manifest the shit out of it in order to create my own needed fairytale.  I committed to my own healing process, doing acupuncture, bodywork, reiki, crystal healing, therapy, self care, self acceptance & most importantly self love to get to where I am right now.

Even though my biological mother Chris has been deceased for many years, her spirit lives on with her sister Jody, my aunt who I got to meet face to face last night for the very first time.  There is nothing like being able to touch your very own flesh & blood, knowing you share traits, DNA & things that most unadopted people take for granted.  It was impossible for me to stop staring at her, seeing the resemblance & knowing that little girl within me had finally transitioned to a place that didn’t feel so abandoned any more.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

*repost* 2017

 

 

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The Human Spirit Is The Most Remarkable Warrior

*REPOST* 2016

I became aware of a new word the other day that I had truly never heard before, making so much more sense to my already visual picture of the Narcissist.  I used to believe I was going crazy, based on the personal fictious experiences I was subjected to of being a pawn in peoples constant game of chess.  It wasn’t until I was enlightened with this new term GASLIGHTING that I began to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, feeling the emotional residue of abuse I once had to endure.

Sometimes we find ourselves in all sorts of different types of relationships with people who use their charm & charisma to entice you into their web of deceit.  They start out by love bombing you in the beginning,  pumping you up with empty feelings of words that trigger your emotions so they can act out the story to hook you in.  Slowly they begin to callously use this love for manipulation, confusion & distortion as a weapon of emotional destruction & control. Continue reading The Human Spirit Is The Most Remarkable Warrior

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When Spirit Shows Up For You.

Sometimes life grants us the opportunity to dip our self into the other world of the unknown, opening the space of your intuitive energy with snidbits of information as a sensory gateway to your past, present & future communication.  It has the ability to share messages of possibilities & ideas, allowing one to feel, see, hear, taste or smell its presence of energetic matter appearing in capacities to which we can digest the information to our specific benefit intuitionally.

I believe we are all surrounded by “energetic possibilities” that often times can show up physically as simple as a shiver down the spine to get our attention.  As ego driven humans, we often times dismiss this profound experience out of fear of the unexplained & its unidentified sensation, passing it off to something else instead.  Energies are transmitted through different frequencies waves that are linked with the vibration of the divine universe, allowing us to access & connect with the spirit world.  Continue reading When Spirit Shows Up For You.

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Life After Narcissistic Abuse

I had an epiphany yesterday after celebrating my husbands 42 birthday this past weekend. I realized in that singular moment of pure happiness that if those various suicide attempts I had tried way back when would have taken my life, I wouldn’t have be able to be where I am today.  I would have missed out on such a beautiful life outside of that pain, enjoying the feeling of profound emotions while experiencing this life with my family the way I dreamt of it to be.  

It wasn’t an easy road to get to this place where I am today,  having a life after narcissistic abuse but it never is when your committed to recovery & healing.  I had to destroy all of the beliefs that were instrumental in the pollution of my mental & emotional body that I suffered from my early childhood that I took with me unknowingly into my adulthood.  This narcissistic abuse once contaminated me down to the basics of my beautiful existence, stripping me away from the light that I am. 

Who I am today isn’t a reflection of how I was raised, yet how I chose to heal what I survived, detaching me from the ties that once bound me to this trauma.  I did the unthinkable & decided to use this power of my own beautiful love as growth,  instead of remaining small in the idea of remaining a victim to the punishable crimes that were once committed to my psyche & never accounted for.

Looking back from where I am today, it was that traumatized child within that choose many of the experiences I endured for its pain that I knew rather than that kind of love that I didn’t.  What I realized during my years in healing is that trauma will continue to manifest & torment you in ways beyond your control when they go uncared for, showing up in a variety of ways to feed your own oppressor that was created by the experiences within.  

I think from a higher being perspective understanding, these lessons were for my greater unconscious purpose, forcing me to be who & where I am today which is a most beautiful place to be.  I can with all my senses feel the riches of my healing wealth while enjoying the true fruits of this labor of self love & care.  It is because of that, that this can exist, reaping in all the extraordinary benefits that comes when you begin to peel & shed all those past layers.  

Sometimes, it is in those small reflective moments of pure alignment & knowing, you get a glimpse of the intended meaning behind a past event & why it was so important that you somehow managed to survive that day.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3   

 

 

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The Unexpected Goodbyes Of Pandemic 2020

A little & A lot has happened over quarantine these last few months, taking my flow of emotions from one place to another without apology or remorse since that’s the way life rolls.   Instead I decided to become more vigilant to find the beauty in this unexpected event knowing that what was before, will no longer be again, opening the space for all of us to evolve.   It reminds me that no matter how far you think you have come in life, there will always be a crazy turn of events that will shake your foundation, spitting you out into the next act in your life.  How you land it is completely up to you.

My husband & I said goodbye to our oldest daughter this morning.  She decided a few weeks ago to pack up her entire life from our lower level which now is bare & empty into her car & move out of state.  It was time for a life change,  spreading her wings for flight as she drives to Florida for warmer brighter days.  I don’t believe she would have ever pulled the trigger if this pandemic wouldn’t have happened, creating in all honesty, a super charge of energy that is either going to force your drive or stall you out.  This kid decided to hit the gas instead, while so many of us are still stuck in neutral.

Since my day job as a manicurist was abruptly put on hold due to the pandemic, I decided it was time to begin identifing myself as a jewelry designer instead, specializing in the healing arts.  What I once was only capable of seeing as a hobby I now believe is my full time gig, feeling so creative & purposeful in this new place.  This pandemic shut down unintentionally broken down all the beliefs I had about my self, my job, my work & the false ideas that were limiting my growth.

What dawned on me during this lockdown is that I would have never had the courage to “stop” working as a manicurist on my own accord.  The universe however managed to conspired against me, showing me that this crippling fear of surrender had been more powerful in my head, than the actual act of me letting go.  All the stories I had made up about me not doing nails anymore, never once showed up in the last 9 weeks of this no work uncertainty, debunking all the myths i created first hand into leverage truths while I sit at home.  Where I go from here will be out of truth & no longer out of fear.

I think we as people create stories to keep ourselves small, contained & comfortable, relying on a fear of the unknown to dictate our own personal beliefs.  We naively live in this state until the eruption is more powerful that we bargained for, clearing the air so to speak  Sometimes the super natural force of life comes as a way to offset this mentality & awaken the human spirit once again for its personal evolution & the will to grow, prosper & live in the natural alignment of ones own self.

The world will continue to live, move, shift, arrange, leaving nothing to be permanent or for granted.  Where you go from here is entirely up to you & lets be clear it has never been normal from the get go.  Discover the opportunity of reinvention instead of this idea for a new kind of normal which across the board will never cease to truly exist & only remain to keep you small.    May the flight of life continue to inspire, encourage & illuminate all walks of life.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3