It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet. The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses. If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.
What I did instead was use this moment wisely for my highest good, really dissecting that box I believed I was once designed for no longer fits me emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. I think personally the biggest virus I chose to evade during this entire time & not become infected with is the memetic virus of the human mind. The last 3 months I have grossly watch it spread from person to person, contaminated by the outlets used to intentionally programed us with fear. It really makes me think about how I intend on conducting myself from here on out, stepping away even more from the things that are simply processed instead of organic.
I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
Have you ever payed attention to how you view the exterior world & the people who occupy its space. Many time we see the outer enviorment with our own unique eyes, often times manipulating it to better suit our own individual needs verses the actual truth to which it exist. The reality is, we see things from our own personal mental & emotional projector sensory system based on our personal upbringing & environment.
I never truly knew how abused I was until I began to heal. This sacred personal work is prudent & detrimental to me, my husband, my daughter & the future legacy that follows. I decided that my children deserved a healthier loving legacy than the one I got adopted into, filled with secrets, lies, distorted beliefs & with its own legacy of unhealed trauma that brewed resentment & anger camouflage to come across as love.
Sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in the most genuine healthy way for your own self preservation, which goes against the nature of most people & personalities regardless of how you were raised. Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative mental inplantation connotation surrounding it.
I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers. I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation. They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out. You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.
I have watched you over this time navigate a path that came with out directions, into a family that has continued over time to diminish & take away the role that you became. Sometimes the universe unbeknownst to us, chooses the timing of a love to come into fruition regardless of the external forces, to teach its lessons in that kind of love. I believe we have always been chosen in each life together, to show the world around us, this intimate most beautiful lesson, as difficult & painful as it’s been.