Sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in the most genuine healthy way for your own self preservation, which goes against the nature of most people & personalities regardless of how you were raised. Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative mental inplantation connotation surrounding it.
I had never in my life struggled with my own weight & could probably eat many of you under the table. I did however grow up in a home with an adopted mother who body shamed me because of her own weight loss & diet obsessed body dysmorphia imagine, which got consciously transferred onto me. Unlike her, I was graced with a set of biological genetic genes that is nothing like hers that created a jealousy instead, unknowingly internalizing this shame within my own beautiful body.
I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
After some back & forth questions of my identity, the veil came down & together we embraced this unique reunion closing the circle to my biological mothers. For over a few years now we have been in contact, making the gap between us seem a bit smaller but today that is about to change. Jody (my aunt) is physically going to meet me this afternoon for the very first time & spend the week in Michigan getting know my family. This again is another circle closed by the sister of my biological parent that could never make the journey themself. Today Im going to meet my very own flesh & blood on my mothers side.
I have been in family esk therapy now for over 5 months. It took admitting that we as a unit needed an intervention to help aid in our relationship as a “unconventional” family with highly toxic extremities. I have no shame in saying that sometimes there are things, people, behavior & situations that are outside your capacity of managing, being encouraged …
I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
Sometimes life forces us to accept people for exactly who they are, especially when we transition into adulthood. The most beautiful thing about freedom of this CHOICE is, it allows for us to answer the many questions within ourselves about our continued participation in relationships that often times leave us feeling beat up & exhausted. The truth …
I have watched you over this time navigate a path that came with out directions, into a family that has continued over time to diminish & take away the role that you became. Sometimes the universe unbeknownst to us, chooses the timing of a love to come into fruition regardless of the external forces, to teach its lessons in that kind of love. I believe we have always been chosen in each life together, to show the world around us, this intimate most beautiful lesson, as difficult & painful as it’s been.
I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had. In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche. My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.