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The Invisible Grief & Loss Of Adoption

I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve.  Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.

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The Harmful Effects Caused From The Opinions Of Others.

My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers.  I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation.  They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out.  You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.

The Virus Of Hate

It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet.  The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses.  If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why  aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.

The Last Day Of My Pandemic Vacation.

What I did instead was use this moment wisely for my highest good, really dissecting that box I believed I was once designed for no longer fits me emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. I think personally the biggest virus I chose to evade during this entire time & not become infected with is the memetic virus of the human mind.  The last 3 months I have grossly watch it spread from person to person, contaminated by the outlets used to intentionally programed us with fear.  It really makes me think about how I intend on conducting myself from here on out, stepping away even more from the things that are simply processed instead of organic.

The Wounds Of Adoption

I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away.  Even as a grown woman,  I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me.  What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.

The Human Spirit Is The Most Remarkable Warrior

I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had.  In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche.  My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.

When Spirit Shows Up For You.

Sometimes life grants us the opportunity to dip our self into the other world of the unknown, opening the space of your intuitive energy with snidbits of information as a sensory gateway to your past, present & future communication.  It has the ability to share messages of possibilities & ideas, allowing one to feel, see, hear,Continue reading “When Spirit Shows Up For You.”

Life After Narcissistic Abuse

I had an epiphany yesterday after celebrating my husbands 42 birthday this past weekend. I realized in that singular moment of pure happiness that if those various suicide attempts I had tried way back when would have taken my life, I wouldn’t have be able to be where I am today.  I would have missed out on such a beautiful lifeContinue reading “Life After Narcissistic Abuse”

The Unexpected Goodbyes Of Pandemic 2020

A little & A lot has happened over quarantine these last few months, taking my flow of emotions from one place to another without apology or remorse since that’s the way life rolls.   Instead I decided to become more vigilant to find the beauty in this unexpected event knowing that what was before, willContinue reading “The Unexpected Goodbyes Of Pandemic 2020”

The Insightful Perk In My Quarantine.

Ive had a LOT of time at home during this pandemic lockdown, going on 7 weeks of not being aloud to work & still seeing some of the optimism behind all of it.  It has been work for me to unwind the minds perception of this horrible, draining situation as I constantly remind myself that eventually thisContinue reading “The Insightful Perk In My Quarantine.”

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