Yesterday was WORLD NARCISSIST ABUSE AWARENESS DAY. All the naysayers & haters can roll their eyes until they’re dizzy & pass out, but this abuse is extremely real mentally & emotionally as real can be. It is disguised with smoke & mirrors, operating in a covert physiologically distrutive way, hiding its marks within the emotional/ mental body creating traumatic invisible wounds that don’t …
I couldn’t understand the gravity back then of what it meant to reclaim my spirit & how my light was actually a source of energy for those just looking to suck it dry. There is a psychology name for those kind of people now, they call them emotional vampires (energetic mosquitos) that feed off your energy supply.
Sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in the most genuine healthy way for your own self preservation, which goes against the nature of most people & personalities regardless of how you were raised. Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative mental inplantation connotation surrounding it.
I had never in my life struggled with my own weight & could probably eat many of you under the table. I did however grow up in a home with an adopted mother who body shamed me because of her own weight loss & diet obsessed body dysmorphia imagine, which got consciously transferred onto me. Unlike her, I was graced with a set of biological genetic genes that is nothing like hers that created a jealousy instead, unknowingly internalizing this shame within my own beautiful body.
I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
After some back & forth questions of my identity, the veil came down & together we embraced this unique reunion closing the circle to my biological mothers. For over a few years now we have been in contact, making the gap between us seem a bit smaller but today that is about to change. Jody (my aunt) is physically going to meet me this afternoon for the very first time & spend the week in Michigan getting know my family. This again is another circle closed by the sister of my biological parent that could never make the journey themself. Today Im going to meet my very own flesh & blood on my mothers side.
I have been in family esk therapy now for over 5 months. It took admitting that we as a unit needed an intervention to help aid in our relationship as a “unconventional” family with highly toxic extremities. I have no shame in saying that sometimes there are things, people, behavior & situations that are outside your capacity of managing, being encouraged …
I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
Sometimes life forces us to accept people for exactly who they are, especially when we transition into adulthood. The most beautiful thing about freedom of this CHOICE is, it allows for us to answer the many questions within ourselves about our continued participation in relationships that often times leave us feeling beat up & exhausted. The truth …
My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers. I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation. They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out. You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.