I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
My first real informative memory of opinion outside my home life was my being held back in 1st grade & the humiliation is suffered with the same first grade teacher & on the playground with my peers. I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid, retreating me to a place of make believe & isolation. They must have been true if my entire educational system believed this of me, handicapping my entire school experience from there on out. You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had suffered from as a child.
I had never in my life struggled with my own weight & could probably eat many of you under the table. I did however grow up in a home with an adopted mother who body shamed me because of her own weight loss & diet obsessed body dysmorphia imagine, which got consciously transferred onto me. Unlike her, I was graced with a set of biological genetic genes that is nothing like hers that created a jealousy instead, unknowingly internalizing this shame within my own beautiful body.
I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away. Even as a grown woman, I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me. What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.
I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had. In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche. My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.
I had an epiphany yesterday after celebrating my husbands 42 birthday this past weekend. I realized in that singular moment of pure happiness that if those various suicide attempts I had tried way back when would have taken my life, I wouldn’t have be able to be where I am today. I would have missed out on such a beautiful lifeContinue reading “Life After Narcissistic Abuse”
This decade is almost a wrap stepping into 2020 having done some massive personal healing and growth, restoring my mind body spirit connections with balance, harmony and unlimited amounts of unconditional love. If you saw where I was 10 years ago, you wouldn’t recognize me in that woman I’ve become today.. What I went throughContinue reading “10 years gone….buh BYE”
I did something wild, unapologetic actually and finally upped my manicuring price after 10 years from $18 to $20 starting May 1st giving myself a long over due pay raise..The truth was, I have been undercharging my worth and the value of the services I provide to my clients out of fear of being rejectedContinue reading “I gave myself a raise..perks of being my own boss!”
I got married 8 years ago tomorrow, marking a personal historical victory of actual marital success surpassing both previous ones in love, happiness, value and time..any thing is possible when you follow your heart and lead the way with the purity of absolute love.. The previous unions ironically were approved and blessed by my formerContinue reading “AGAINST ALL ODDS love always wins..<3"
Have you ever noticed or realize that you tend to see things as you really are and not as they actually are in its entirety manipulating the stage to better suit your needs….the reality is we see things from the lens of our own personal emotional projector sensory system of what we feel is happening to us based on our upbringing and environment, unconsciously describing YOURSELF in that given spaceContinue reading “The reality of perception..”