The Human Truth Compass

Ive been scrutinized in the past for publicly speaking about what some might deem as airing my “dirty laundry”, exposing some deep dark layers from my own experienced truth.  Some would even go as far to say that it never happened, playing ignorant as a deflective tool to eliminate the circumstance & experiences. The dynamics of this family history alone, before I ever came adopted into the picture, speaks naturally for itself.  Secrets make us sick, generating a lineage of dis ease that gets passed on to each & every family member who participates, knowingly & unknowingly.

I believe part of the reason why I finally have my shit together & was able to properly do the healing is that I’m no longer hiding in the shadow of the secrets that have plagued this family for generations.  By bringing my own story to light, I set free the darker secrets I held in the mental dungeon of my mind out of fear that had continued to harm my over all being.  This also gave a powerful energetic healing flow to my children & my children’s children to energetically shift the dynamics of this once toxic inheritance a healing healthy future.

We come into the world naturally uncultivated, pure & instantly programed with a families own code of ethics & morals.  Sometimes as children we are not allowed to question these systems that are already in place, allowing us only to be seen & not heard.  We are instructed to behave within this structure of dynamics not knowing any differently until we begin to engage in the outside world for ourselves, seeing an array of different experiences, circumstances & upbringings.

What I know now is that I was raised in the home with a narcissistic adopted mother who’s own personal human truth compass of ethics & morals was distorted & exaggerated from her own personal trauma & upbringing.  When you begin to heal the facets to your own unique history,  you automatically bring forth the light that generates a positive light bulb effect outlook destroying the ideas & beliefs that was previously limiting.  This allows for the rebuilding of a healthier life that is plentiful & abundant by changing the narrative & shifting the viewpoints that better suite you.

Historically we have witnessed these types of behaviors that have been a huge reoccurring human conditioning theme, down to its original generational roots unaware of its harmful wrong doings.  Many people even today are oblivious & or blinded as a tool of convenience, not wanting to ruffle any feathers to see its painful truth.  We all carry to some degree the burden of our own storage locker of secrets that stay dormant, which when triggered becomes disguised & translated  into physical aliments or expressive angry negative feelings.  Hurt people, hurt people.

I believe we are in a loop of a human social experience with an explosion of unhealed childhood trauma continually showing up in the adult division of the world,  raising their own offspring in the same manner.  Now a days, it feels very over populated with fear & anger, deliberately bating you into its own agenda & narrative.  There are so many hateful used tactics in order to harness its credibility & dismantle the minds ability to naturally & instictively think for its self.  Stupidity has become a social norm disease, that leaves us socially deficient in the end, creating space while filling in the gaps with a false sense of stability & reality as a cover.

What i have learned from my own personal experiences is that sometimes the beliefs we believe to be certainties, come from the distorted interpretations that have been passed onto to you.  Find ways to generate your own personal narrative of principles & beliefs for healing & alignment.  Only once we are able to master our own source of self sustaining healing, can we begin to naturally influence the world around us with love, kindness & unification. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

Repost From July 2017

 

 

 

 

 

You Have To Be Selfish For Your Own Self Care.

Sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in the most unappolgetic healthy way for your own self care preservation, which goes against the nature of most peoples upbringing regardless of how you were raised.  Im sure even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some, maybe even most feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative mental inplantation connotation surrounding it.

I used to think it was the most insulting word being called selfish & did everything I could to avoid that persona, essentially giving up on myself for the comfort of others.  I knew exactly how it felt to be labeled, having it used both as an adjective & as a noun to describe me with the repercussion that came with it.  I can still sense while writing this the trauma of this specific word, looking to penetrate the parts of me that have been freshly healed.  It validates how strong some words are to describe another human being used to emotional punch you & how important it is to stand up for yourself & become true to you.

I unknowingly was groomed to be a less than self person, even when inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  I would knowingly agree to do things, sometimes really stupid things mind you, just to prevent a fight from happening because it was easier to be stupid in a state of peace than intimidated in the panic of fear.  I was afraid & hated confrontation which was a terrible weakness that made me an easy target in itself, manipulating the situation which gave others easy access.

By my 30’s I was so emotionally broken on the inside, feeling that is was only my skin & bones that was really keeping me together.  It’s no wonder looking back that I had to have my neck fused from c3 to c7 at the young age of 39, spending a lifetime of bending & pleasing everybody else at the repercussion of my own comfort.  This surgery in the end became my gift & second chance, energetically awakening me to the place I dreamed of being.

I realized during this healing time that it is essential at times to be selfish, making YOU that absolute first priority.  I had a new found sense of courage & strength saying NO to the people who now were pissed off at my set of new healthy boundaries & self care, not giving a shit at the retaliation & repercussion.  Believe me, it didn’t hurt any less to no longer tolerate being berated & purposely ignore by those who claimed it out of love, but finally feeling empowered by own loving self was healing & freeing.

This lead to purifing & nourishing my depleted spirit in the most selfish unapologetic way.  I began to say no more often & watch the universe grant me blessings from those simple letters that transcended to so much life & energy.  I witnessed my life dismantle in front of me eye, breaking down everything around me to rubble.  What many viewed as my fall was essentially my RISE to freedom & the foundation to rebuild.  Looking back, I realized that what I ultimately lost had no real value in sustaining the breakthrough & what stayed & came after was a beautiful hard work payoff.

Sometimes it is important to be selfish, so we don’t become deficient in the essence of our overall being,  even if it means tipping the scale in an unbalanced way for someone else.  This self love mastery is a necessity for your overall life physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually.  It send the unseen signals that you are a most valuable asset to this interior/exterior universal world, energetically magnifying the vibration to be matched & connected in return.

The law of nature & physics shows us that you can not achieve a full cup from a container that is poured from an empty can.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

REPOST July 12 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Reality Of Perception..

“Your perception of me is a reflection of you, My reaction to you, is an awareness of me”

Have you ever payed attention to how you view the exterior world & the people who occupy its space.  Many time we see the outer enviorment with our own unique eyes, often times manipulating it to better suit our own individual needs verses the actual truth to which it exist.  The reality is,  we see things from our own personal mental & emotional projector sensory system based on our personal upbringing & environment.

In those perception seconds,  our ego begins to describe a series of beliefs to the unconscious mind, which naturally begins to describe oneself in that given space good bad or indifferent.  For example, if you are the victim mentality type, you will often view the world around you as being the enemy instead of an ally, creating the world to be working against you while assigning it & those around you the responsibility of your woes & short comings.  This wisdom alone offers you insight into your healing needs.

Many would want to argue this theory, triggering an array of character defamations that the egotistical, entitled persona wants to protect.  It is a natural response to unhealed trauma that you continue to carry forth in every day life & often times use to view the world around you.  Many times we unknowingly project onto others what we wish to conceal within ourselves,  mirroring a reflection that becomes truly unflattering to outside eye.

We often times create an ecosystem of an environment to sustain this perception, keeping company & relationships that nourishes the perception to which you exist.  So if one day you look around & realize that the place you are currently in is no longer suiting you, it might be that your perception in life has altered & changed.  I personally started to notice this for myself when I began to work on myself whiling healing my childhood trauma.

I never thought to question my belief system at a young age, being adopted & living in a narcissistic home not knowing any differently.  I consumed large amounts of toxic behavior that were projections reflected onto me that I assumed as my own behavior even though at times it didn’t feel natural.  I adapted to a system as survival & was well trained so I thought until I began to hold my own perception that met me back with disgrace.  I knew deep inside I was better than what I portrayed from the projection of a narcissitic mother who’s only concern was her self.

For a long time I had my own survival ideas, way, thoughts & opinions.  I noticed that the moment someone began to slightly point out or question the mortality of my convictions or learned truth, I would retaliate with fear using deflection as my tool of choice.   I think that triggered time & time again some deep down trauma that scared me into needing to question my entire upbringing & the morals & values that followed with it.

I think I spent over 40 years in a survival mode of projections that came from incriminating minds, distorting the mirror time & time again.  I never realized that the negative attributes that my parents saw me as were truthful reflections into their individual persoanlities making their children the scapegoats to their own fucked up character.

My outer world didn’t begin to change shape until I finally attuned to the dynamics that purposely kept me out of the light.  This work aloud me to finally leave the abusive relationship pattern behind that I sought refuge in out of comfort,  knowing no differently.  This chain of events created an explosion that trickled into every avenue of my life, clearing the path & opening the opportunity to experience love & life in the healthiest form.

I have spent years in healing to rewire, reboot & repair the projections I carried as trophies to my survival that I no longer need the burden to hold onto any more.  The love & support of my husband who has seen that despicable woman react out of survival & fear, knows that it is now farer & fewer that she appears.  I think we are all haunted with some of our unflattering flaws that most of us would rather ignore or hid out of shame, that we unknowing project onto others as a defense.  Maybe its time to witness the reality of projection with an angle for healing. Peace Love Faith Hope  REPOST July 9, 2018

The Invisible Grief & Loss Of Adoption

I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve.  Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.

This was something I felt deeply that would often times leave me to cry myself to sleep at night, being in a constant state of invisible grief.  I felt this energetic pull deep in my cells   which became the necessity to my search in everyone I could see.  There is now science to prove this cellular theory of mother child connected energy, having the fetal cells stay in circulations within the mothers body for 27 years after birth. I could have told you this existed all along but no body would believe.

Did you know that the suicide rate for adoptees is 4 time GREATER than that of non adoptees.  Our coping skills become so undeveloped because we are not ever taught from a young age how to grieve our first traumatic loss & heal from it.  Instead we learn how to suppress & modify our feelings to survive & get by in the world that hasn’t begun to acknowledge, notice & address our personal tragedy while we carry the burden with us, delightfully wrapped up in a gift.

Psychology now a days is becoming more in tune with this lack of awareness, that for years was dismissed or labeled as emotional/ behavioral issues problems.  I have always said that anger is the action form to pain, which in my case was the loss of my biological mother.   This felt loss of being energetically, emotionally, mentally & physically taken away from a mother has longer lasting effects on the psyche of a child & their sensory system, not ever addressing the wounds that are left to become unhealed untreated trauma.  This is a great recipe for these emotional & behavior issues.

Some of the most basic emotional skills that are required for being a human being are sometimes lost in translation with adoptees, leaving us to navigate these inner feelings & emotions alone.  Shame & guilt plays a huge roll in this inner dialog, becoming more worried about the adults emotional state when wanting to talk about these feelings & the trigger to the parents own unhealed trauma that brought them to adoption in the first place.  Adoptees are often times met with a form of “loving” retaliation, diminishing these basic needs to off set the deeper truth that nobody has the tools to cope with.

It wasn’t until the last 10 years with my husband & going to a healer that I learned in my 40s I needed to begin to mourn this tragic loss I suffered that still continued to haunt me everywhere decades later.  I had no idea that I suffered a traumatizing tragedy, denying myself a whole series of emotions that were the keys to my personal freedom in this healing process.  I had no clue that I had allowed for this deep pain to show up in every other relationships as an extension of expression to the variety of trauma & pain I held onto inside.  I had no clue that I was entitled to grieve my loss.  Peace Love Faith Hope

 

 

 

 

 

The Harmful Effects Caused From The Opinions Of Others.

Someone, somewhere, maybe even sometime long ago might have shared their own opinions & beliefs about you, altering the way you feel about yourself from that moment forward.  This implantation of someone else’s thoughts & ideas often times leads to a lifetime of misguided information taking you away from who you truly are, molding you intentionally into someone that was never meant for you to become.

My first real informative memory of the other people opinion outside of the ones I got from my home was my being held back in 1st grade.  I can remember constant ridicule with the same first grade teacher ( Mrs. Siminack) I had to repeat the grade with, pointing out to the classroom when I still couldn’t answer the question, that I had done 1st grade already & should know the answer.  I was 6 years old & probably still healing from having my index finger cut off the year before in an accident.

This translated to the humiliation of my peers on the playground which I was teased, made fun of & called a lot of hurtful names for being stupid & held back, feeling isolated while wanting to retreat to a place of make believe for survival.  This instance changed the dynamics of my self, my desire to learn, handicapping my entire school experience from then on out.  You would never know this now by meeting me today, what I had emotionally endured & suffered from as a child.

Sometimes we can feel this unrecognizable disconnection within us, nagging at the deepest level of self & the dyer need of its attention.  Most times we are incapable of noticing this other level persona who desires to arise in its most purest form because we have done a really good job from the opinions of others to cover & hid this truth.  Many times we become the complete opposite of what we dream to be as a way to protect the truth within, living in the disguise of other people opinions.

I spent a lifetime as a seeker for my own sacred personal truth in the shadows of my adoption, looking for anything that remotely engaged my innate senses.  I didn’t know who I was at all, conflicted with my natural disposition to the one that was forced upon me that I used to navigate & survive in a narcissistic home with a narcissistic mother.  I was molded to be an ugly girl trapped outside my beautiful spirit to survive in this life, making me into someone I now cringe at the thought of.

This was my biggest blockage in trying to achieve anything remotely associated with my own true desires & dreams, hearing all those criticizing words in my head as obstacles & roadblocks.  I gave full permission for this less of life notion, not every really understanding or valuing my own worth of life until my mid 40s.  All the external seeds that had been planted within my garden of weeds were not the ingredients I would have chosen for myself that I deeply needed as nourishment.

So I decided to redesign & build my own beautiful garden, taking the seeds I got deliberately dealt with & use all the experiences as gifts to transform into a powerful magnificent specimen of woman they couldn’t dream id ever become.  After years of purposely dumbing myself down for the comfort of others, I decided to arise from this courage of my own true wisdom.  This is 100 percent of life’s education for me.

Don’t ever be afraid to question all of your own inner thoughts, ideas, dreams & desires out of fear of doing wrong with the opinions of others that tend to ring stronger in your own mind.  Sometimes those wrong & hurtful unsolicited opinions of others are the narrative in their own personal powerful story of life that isn’t your burden in life to have to carry.   Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

 

 

Breath Work To Activate Intention

Close your eyes & engage the breath here in this moment.  Now take a second in this breathing pattern to imagine your exterior persona leaving the area so the infinite self can emerge becoming fully engaged & present.  Allow for the power of your divine energy to transform the mind over to the innate power grid connected by your true source.  This beautiful breath flow will harmonizing a surrender, gently sink you into this connected feeling.  We are all naturally pure in this meditative state.

Really breath in this life force with full on intention to your breath that will stimulate the Synchronization of vibration to the flow of your authentic being, sending waves of alignment to the visions of your desire & dreams.  It is here that the infinite imagination exists.  By deliberately changing the scope of the brainpower over to your divine source, you will naturally begin to change the rest of the narrative that cycles the entire system daily into beautiful fruition.

You are what you breath in, so by using this force of breath as the oxygen supply to your overall foundation, the body will energetically wake up all the beautiful particles of your existence, lighting up the field of infinate intention. This is your own personal filtration system that can be used in realigning the body from its negative attributes of the mind to a much healthier disposition.  By changing the frequency, you change the intended outcome.

Imagine on the exhale all the limiting beliefs that are currently holding you back falling away from the mind,  being washed away with the each intentional breath.  As you expand your lung capacity you make room for the imaginary possibilities of growth, changing the pattern of flow from a stagnate vibration to an awaken state of awareness.

For many of us, we lack that responsibility to ourselves by putting all of our beliefs & worth into external influences & opinions that have been delibertly holding us back.  When we limit ourselves like this, we end up sabotaging ourselves in order to fulfill some one else’s ideas, thoughts & ways.  How you envision your self in the meditative state will become the needed antidote that rescues the trapped energy that abundantly supplies the divinity within.

Breath in & out imagining the golden light of your intention ascending with new inspiration & dreams, rising up from this life force of deep breath.  It is here in the most sacred space of yourself that you will see a renewal of life.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

The Virus Of Hate

Historically our species collectively has brutally repeated the same horrible acts of cruelty onto each other for centuries, never once really learning from this monstrous past.  Humanity has really done a number on us in hopes of dividing us up & making us believe that we are more different than alike, which is the farthest from the truth.  We all collectively share the same unique structure right beneath our skin, which makes us in our purest form together beautiful human.

It saddens me deeply that this human infectious disease & infestation of HATRED is overpopulating this world more than any other virus on this planet.  The numbers of this man made pathogen are frightening me more than any of the numbers associated with Mother Natures illnesses.  If nature can have a cure for everything it produces, why  aren’t we as humans desperately trying to find the cure or remedy within our own twisted fucked up ways & eradicate what is ultimately killing all of us again & again over time.

We as human beings are slowly spreading this virus that is generationally laced with fear & anger used to destroy each other with words, beliefs, thoughts, feelings & actions.  It works to infect the unhealthy individuals who in return spread its chaos to the masses, creating a domino effect of environmental dominance.  The absence of love has never been hate, yet a deep unhealed pain that will continue to grow like a cancerious mass if not treated properly.

While I don’t have the answer to somebody else’s hateful ways & beliefs, I can only pray to remain able to see the beauty & infinite love in all our differences.  This planet needs our human attention in co creating a place where we can live peacefully with each other, making EARTH our prime objective.  Mother Nature is screaming at her children for a healing change, as she watches us destroy her land & everything she beautifully created for a place for us to live.

We have so many smart people, yet not one has found a cure to the most toxic virus known to man. I just cant fucking understand that.  So I cast my droplet of loving spirit into this vast beautiful universe & PRAY for the powerful creation that will spread the contagion of love.  LOVE is the ultimate antidote with its infinate healing properties that nourishes, replenishes & is the original medicine.  This is the human vaccine we should be really pushing for.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

The Scale & The Dumpster

 

Repost June 17, 2017

I threw out my scale the other day, an abusive object I have been holding onto that held little sentimental value for many years as a fixture in the bathroom.  It was liberating to say the least,  tossing that vile object right into the dumpster waving “BYE FELCIA” as I heroically walked back to the house feeling so much lighter in my spirit.  Letting that piece of shit object go actually took off the burden of weight I carried energetically that added 100 pounds to my over all being, that Im now free from.

I had never in my life struggled with my own weight & could probably eat many of you under the table.  I did however grow up in a home with an adopted mother who body shamed me because of her own weight loss & diet obsessed body dysmorphia imagine, which got consciously transferred onto me.  Unlike her, I was graced with a set of biological genetic genes that is nothing like hers that created a jealousy instead, unknowingly internalizing this shame within my own beautiful body.

It was in that exact moment at the trash dumpster I had a mind blowing epiphany moment.  I realized then & there what that scale actually held emotionally for me along with the abusive memories of how I once felt about myself.  I spent entire life holding onto within my own body some one else’s body shame, wearing the emotional weight of her own self hatred & loath that was never really my burden to carry.

It never dawned on me what that scale actually represented & by throwing it away I would in return free myself from all the toxic attachments it had with me.  I think there are many item within our home that hold a trauma bond memory linked to the abuse endured that hasn’t been metaphorically identified the way I was able to make with the scale.  Often times we ignore the basic things that are in front of us out of fear its truth will set us free while awaking a pain that needs tender healing.

We unintentionally at times take on other peoples beliefs, projections & discriminations that end up creating massive insecurities within our own sacred space that would otherwise be pure.  They are the energetic man made diseases that destroy the authentic blueprint to your own biological make up, keeping your human spirit sick, small & dull as a form of control.

It took me over 40 years to see that stupid scale in its entirety, representing an idea of abusive thoughts, feelings & beliefs that were never really mine to assume.  Sometimes the most bravest acts of self are realizing your own sacred worth & beauty that can never be ultimately measured by any scale sitting on the floor. Peace Love Faith Hope

The Last Day Of My Pandemic Vacation.

Tomorrow I return to my manicuring day job 3 exact months later due to the pandemic mania lockdown 2020.  I think my circadian rhythm is aligning with my sleep pattern again naturally, waking me up this morning at my usual time of 6:15am when I don’t have to actual be at work until tomorrow.  Our body is such a beautiful remarkable mechanism of restoration, when we allow it to flow in its divine energetic sync of life.

Over the course of the last 3 months I have surprisingly been taught things I didn’t realize I could learn, making my time here on earth really count for more, even during the lock down. What I chose NOT TO DO for my inner psyche was to sit back & be in a constant destructive thought pattern of negativity to a temporary situation that was fully out of my own control.  Sometimes this planet offers us a sobering series of life’s lessons requiring a healthy state of mind (emotionally, mentally & spiritually) for the examination.  I believe we actually were just tested.

What I did instead was use this moment wisely for my highest good, really dissecting that box I believed I was once designed for no longer fits me emotionally, mentally, physically or spiritually. I think personally the biggest virus I chose to evade during this entire time & not become infected with is the memetic virus of the human mind.  The last 3 months I have grossly watch it spread from person to person, contaminated by the outlets used to intentionally programed us with fear.  It really makes me think about how I intend on conducting myself from here on out, stepping away even more so from the things that are simply processed instead of organic.

I came to realize I that I really do have that strength & resilience with myself, my husband & our daughters, as we each have grown in our own unique ways.  I have done things that I can say prepandemic I would have never have done or thought of doing out of fear, rescuing those thoughts, feeling & beliefs from the misplaced territories that they once resided within.  I think there is something really beautiful in the darkness of a situation, hopefully inspiring one to search for its unmeasurable light in hopes of growth, restoration & the expansion of self.

May you find the courage to rewire your life, using the energetic chain supply of nutrients that are abundant & available to further the evolution of the human spirit.  May you have the real courage to not only detox the body, yet the pollutants of the mind & spirit that are more contaminated than you could ever really realize.  May you find the unique beauty in this momentary set back that has now pushed you again forward in hopes of finding its universal gifts for the taking.  Everything in nature works in a cycle, we are just required to pay closer attention.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3 

 

 

 

 

The Wounds Of Adoption

I have always dreamt & fantasized about finding my biological mother from the early age of learning that I was adopted.  I had a mother out there that I would search for secretly in crowds every where I went,  looking at total strangers for a glimpse of recognition.  I had hopes that someday, someone would rescue & notice the sad little girl inside of me who needed answers & closure to this devastating loss I suffered that nobody seemed to really cared about.

I always felt haunted in my own body by the ghostly feeling of these unresolved bleeding wounds of being given away.  Even as a grown woman,  I still needed & wanted answers that only she had the power to relinquish over me.  What would make a mother want to give their child away was a very big question I had, especially becoming a mother of my own adding more emotions to wounds that would never seem to heal.

These feeling within never seemed to rest, decorating different parts of my life in different kind of ways good, bad & ugly.  The truth was, I had two separate mothers that for whatever reason couldn’t bond with me, one by her own choice & the other by the design of adoption.  I used to ask myself & that sad little girl within if there was something really truly unlovable & wrong with me that I should know about that would make me unworthy of a mother true love, the way I as a mother love my own 2 daughters.

Sometimes life is truly unfair, dealing you a hand only you have the power to change.  So I decided to take what I had been given & use my infinite power to manifest the shit out of it in order to create my own needed fairytale.  I committed to my own healing process, doing acupuncture, bodywork, reiki, crystal healing, therapy, self care, self acceptance & most importantly self love to get to where I am right now.

Even though my biological mother Chris has been deceased for many years, her spirit lives on with her sister Jody, my aunt who I got to meet face to face last night for the very first time.  There is nothing like being able to touch your very own flesh & blood, knowing you share traits, DNA & things that most unadopted people take for granted.  It was impossible for me to stop staring at her, seeing the resemblance & knowing that little girl within me had finally transitioned to a place that didn’t feel so abandoned any more.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

*repost* 2017

 

 

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