The NON Father’s Day

I haven’t celebrated fathers day in over 7 years now when my former father decided it was more important to keep his friendship with my ex husband than it was having a relationship with his daughter.  I was once very close to my dad growing up (my former mother despised our bond), idolizing his stature & that soulful connection we once shared. I could tell what he was saying with his eyes without him using his words, which is why it was so difficult for me that day long ago when I had to force him to make a choice between me or my ex.

I felt humiliated being passed up by my dad for someone who was so abusive to me for years, yet not surprised because of who he is married too.  My former father enabled so much narcissistic abuse that went on behind closed doors with my former mother, that I had no choice because it had began to deeply effect my children as well.  This resulted in me having to disconnect & mourn his living death, finding a way to heal my hatred & anger so I could move forward with my own beautiful life.

Fathers Day in general sucks for me, being adopted & dropping the ball on having the opportunity to fulfill a dream of meeting my biological father.  I reunited with him back in August of 2000 via letter, emails & phone calls but was not in a place to prioritize myself or be truly supported with encouragement to fulfill this life long dream of mine to meet in person.  It wasn’t until Eran that someone finally saw into my heart & the importance of this biological connection, wanting to make my dream come true.  Jack tragically died before that could ever happen.

My husband has been an uncelebrated step dad the last 10 years & has gotten at times the short end of the relationship, being pegged as someone who clearly wasn’t “invited” into the family.  The kids were unconsiously rewarded by treating him as an outsider by the toxic atmosphere that consumed the other “adults”.  After all these years of trials & tribulations its him that is still punished for being married to me, even though his unconditional constant love, support & dedication for these girls never has wavered.  So Fathers Day in our home is truly uneventful & not celebrated.

  There is so much emotional baggage & trauma around this day for so many men & people, that sometimes it is heartbreaking to be reminded to celebrate this head of a family figure.  Im sure it triggers children without fathers, people who have lost their fathers, men who didn’t or couldn’t have children, fathers who aren’t around any more & those who don’t qualify enough to be respected to be celebrated.  For me now, it’s just a reminder as to what kind of a father I had in the end that adopted me.  Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3