There are usually specific times in our lives that call upon us to participate in some epic shit created by the universe, usually when we are not feeling so incredibly outstanding. Many times we see & view these moments as more of a personal assassination when we are at the lowest points in our life, challenging us when we least expect it to the breaking out point of where we are most required for change.
I have had these kinds of moments several different times throughout my life, not really understanding it’s calling until later in adulthood when the first truly profound one initiated the birth of my inner Phoenix. This spirit animal of mine arose during a radical transformation time period when I finally decided to end my second marriage after years of saying I was leaving. Who knew that what the outside world would percieve as my destruction, would become the beautiful building blocks of ashes used to reframe my personal resurrection.
Sometimes in life we take on & assume situations that ends up being the farthest expression to who we are, becoming lost in the environmental experience that supports this narrative. I had forgone most of my own personal qualities, feeling like I was tippy toeing through this phase in life expressionless, dressed up in someone else’s life. I had grown numb & disassociated with all aspects of myself, just surviving each moment lived in a house of dread.
What my former parents considered to be a dream Jewish marriage, was personally for me not a fairytale at all. I knew after moving in with him as a single mom before I said “I DO” that I didn’t & ended up living each day afterwards with a man who had the abusive personality of Dr Jekyll/ Mr Hyde with me. I was gaslight on & off the entire marriage before finally gain the courage to break free of this man I became afraid of.
Truthfully I didn’t know any differently, growing up in a home with a highly narcissistic adopted mother & an enabling father. She too had that personality trait of not ever knowing where you stood with her & what triangulation she would manipulate with all 3 of her adopted children. These endless & unreasonable expectations at times was so over intoxicating to the point of not knowing or assuming my own natural identity, that is was maddening not understanding what was going on as a child.
All these years prior lead up to my own personal breakdown that was the epic tale of a girl gone mad, no longer wanting to be a victim to the personal massacre that I in the end held the strings too. I could feel myself actually falling down as I stood, allowing the emotional ground to empale me as I hit rock bottom or that rock bottom had finally come up to hit me. This initial contact was when my inner Phoenix was engaged as I crashed & allowed my emotional self to burst into flames that was extinguished by my years of unweeped tears.
My spirt woke back up to signs of divine intervention acting as a guide, the most profound one coming to me in the shape of a cloud in the sky. I was driving & in the horizon was the most beautiful Phoenix with colors of red, orange & blue, morphing into the body of this rising majestic beast. I actually called my Mamasita to share this with her, for it was her that was working & helping me reconnect back into my self again that had been dormant for years.
Sometimes we just need to have that one person who is willing in that moment to lay with you in the debris & stand by you in solidarity. Not to try to drag you out or force their own strength in making it go away, but to just be there as a source of comfort while you lay in the rubble doing the work needed to heal, get up & rebuild. The phoenix energy is legendary, igniting a powering within that gives the permission of renewal if you are able to rise to its occasion.
I think there are many people living in life with broken tools & outdated beliefs that unknowing allow themselves to become swallowed up in the emotional contents of their personal hell. I think sometimes it’s easier to stay in that place of limbo, teetering between the two worlds that one from afar seem really scary. Doing the inner work honestly is the most ugly place to be, finding out who you really are & what your truly made of.
I took me many years to fight off the persona I had assumed as a form of protection, that no longer suited my healing journey. I used the darkness that I was once planted in as my opportunity for personal growth, cultivating knowledge & later alchemizing it into wisdom for my own navigation. This insight allowed me to use the spirit of the Phoenix as a guide for troubled times, coming back better & better each & every time as my authentic self. Peace Love Faith Hope
Updated Repost May 2016