I Am The Light

I never realized how bright my light actual was until I came to terms with how disruptive & chaotic my family background had been, living off of the emotional crumbs that I once thought were full course meals of sustenance. I never put together that the ache in my emotional body was that of starvation, surviving on artificial processed emotional nutrients of fuckedupness that nobody ever wanted to talk about.   These were some of the deeper darkest truths about my family that flew under the radar, unless of course you were to shine a light on it. 

Being a child that was abandoned from the get go, I unknowingly consumed & accepted whatever looked like love out of hunger.  I really couldn’t tell the difference about how love felt in the narcissistic home I was raised, not know any better yet always craving something more.  Sometimes the distortion you are lead to believe in receiving a full course meal of healthy emotions is only later to discover that you got the fast food version of nutrients, which had no sustainability or longevity.

   It wasn’t until much later in my life when I had to crawl out of my own darkest hour that I was able to see a flicker of light in my lighthouse.  Being called selfish my entire life, I never thought to tend to a self care routine or even considered my emotional needs that were always misplaces with others.  Who knew that what I really needed was some serious self attention & detox to replenish my own source of loving energy that was required to tend to the flame within.  Sometimes people who wish to keep you small with control will manipulate you as they deliberately squeeze you empty so you have nothing left to give yourself.  

I couldn’t understand the gravity back then of what it meant to reclaim my lite of spirit & how it was actually a powerful source of energy.  There are many names in psychology now a days for those kind of people, the most popular one being an emotional vampire (energetic mosquitos) that feed off your energy supply.  They work to purposely suck you dry, in return filling you up with some sort of toxic supplement that instead leaves you feeling dazed & confused while the vampire becomes fully energized.

I discovered also during this time that my lack of that healthy boundaries often times lead to my attracting all different kinds of “loving” people to feed off me infectious vitality.  After being dormant for so many tired years, I began to discover that my love for life & passion for the things that made my heart feel joyful again made me become even a bigger target to the outside world.  I started to notice again that I was attracting individuals who were starving themselves, using me to be their source of replenishment, that some how I was inviting.

The thing about life is that it will continue to teach you again & again the patterns of behavior that you need to do differently.  I began taking a closer look with inventory of those who brought what to my table of life, becoming more picky with my invites.  I slowly began to remove them from having the front row seats in my life for my own self care, no longer starving for these emotional connections I once craved.  The lesson you gain the moment you put up these boundary for someone else is the moment you get access to see & witness their truth more clearly.  This is then transferred into wisdom.

 The work I have continued to do on myself has given me the emotional muscle that I never knew existed, making me stronger & stronger as time goes on. I have much healthier boundaries that no longer requires me to keep myself small for the comfort of others, expanding my illuminating light without the fear of being turned off.  The thing is these emotional vampires will only remain active if you continue to let them feed & live in your light freely without creating a healthy perimeter to which you can coexist.  Peace Love Faith Hope

Updated Repost May 2018