Patterns are a series of unlimited continuous happenings that give a suggested look or outcome based on the experience before. Sometimes these series of sequences can be a positive model in trying to gage the configuration on situations that you are watching or being watched on. Sometimes these patterns can be behavioral, offering a tell tale sign in the form of a person, place or thing that will continuously be emulated.
We unknowingly at times use this behavioral diagram out of habit, even if the evidence of information has been changed, resorting to an emotional model that is still running & operating on old paradigm when triggered. I was raised in a home with a narcissistic mother, downloading her emotional unhealthy angry phycological model & then reusing it out of survival.
I was taught at a young age that someone who had an opinion or belief other than that of the archetype, was a threat. My constant battle with my former mother lead me down a path that ultimately taught me how to fight dirty, to say what I didn’t truly mean to cause someone pain & see anyone who opposed a position as an enemy. This had over my life time some serious consequences in some of my relationships when I was triggered, responding from a pattern that I never knew was so fucked up until I began to heal.
I blamed the world without ever looking in the mirror, having full teenage tantrums that only made every thing worse for me. I tried killing my self a few times as the victim holding onto my own smoking gun, unable to recognize my own reckless behavior towards the value of my own life. Without knowing, I was essentially projecting my mothers own self hated onto my self. Part of my saving grace was moving away at 20 for 7.5 years & detoxing from the koolaid I once grew up on.
For years i felt “safe” in the darkness of my self when the exterior world appeared to be & feel threatening to the perception of a different style of truth. I had unknowingly carried with me an unhealthy impression of how to operate, recycling the experiences to fit the way I was thinking until it no longer fit the script anymore. This was probably the scariest place to be, feeling raw & completely exposed, but I welcomed the feeling of safety & relief.
What I realized in my healing process is that someone attacking you for having your own opinions or beliefs are normally responding to their own set of insecurities. Even though if feels deeply personal it is never about you & more about the other persons unhealthiness.
Behavior modification is one of the hardest concepts to apply to the relationship of ones self, exposing a form of vulnerability that often times can hurt. The outdated installed belief system is actually flawed, limiting the ideas of logic that don’t support the old information that was once received. I know from experience that my upbringing had many unhealthy abusive principals & morals that were threaded in a generational model that didn’t support the outside world at all & its healthy universal patterns in life.
I had for years lived with in a fictitious state of mind, created as a child for a self defense mechanism to protect me from something traumatic I was unconsciously reliving ever time I felt triggered. My former mother would purposefully take a small disagreement & turn it into a huge event, knowing the pattern of my response. She would hold onto these past event as future currency in an anticipation for the next go around.
What I never payed attention to as a child was the institution of her own design process & the dysfunctional desire to portray me the scapegoat & herself as a saint. What I have learned & realized over time is to trust those patterns that are being presented to you as warning signs of evidence to situations you can’t put your finger. People will fabricate & distort the truth by manipulating the way they want you to think, but patterns, pattens never lie. Peace Love Faith Hope
Updated From April 2016