I was a youthful stoner party drinker, finding myself finishing off a bottle of wine & a spliff before the hour ended. Tipsy or stoner drunk was the most perfect place for me to be in my 20’s & 30’s, enjoying the numb buzz that made every thing seem beautiful & my interior world fade away. I had no clue back then that I was essentially hiding myself with the use of alcohol & weed to avoid any kind of emotional connection that took place inside of me. This immature behavior had lasting ramifications & consequences from this state of mind until I decided it was time to change my ways.
After a long lived run of loving to party I decided to cold turkey retire from the stuff that aggravated my life, which made me numb, dumb & unable to truly connect to my better self. I no longer wanted to be that mess of a good time doing a lot of stupid shit while under its influence, still behaving like I was back in my 20’s. There is nothing more unappealing to me now than to watch middle age grown ass adults getting shit faced, wanting to relive their party days.
Sometimes we choose to deal with our life by avoiding the obvious & become unaccountable for the participation & its behavior. We make up excuses with bullshit obstacles to avoid having to do any of the internal work because truthfully it’s too painful & hard, making it feel easier to unpack it over a glass or two. It feels much better for many to dress it up with friends & complicate things more within the social society that make being miserable look faux healthy & over drinking look a lot more fun & socially acceptable.
I became hyper aware of looking harder inside myself with a new found love & clarity, no longer neglecting the self of me I needed to change. I wanted to be a better person away from the material I had produced which attracted people I no longer wanted to personify with. I didn’t want the liquid courage to be the medicine in my decision making, which often times can lead to really sloppy boundaries & questionable personal limitations that only make matter worse. Most importantly I didn’t want this ideology, mentality or social traits for my children, cleaning house & becoming a role model of healthy happiness instead.
This made my social circle even smaller, choosing to opt out of situations I no longer felt drawn to be in any more. During my quest in living a healthier cleaner life I realized I was still attracting messy people with the reverse mentality(dry drunk), having other bad habits that often times left me still feeling toxic. I found my self countless times while out having to defend my not wanting to drink, being judged for choosing to live a clean life (misery loves company). Learning later in my early 40’s I realized it was the best grown up decision I ever made, discovering that my biological mother Chris died from cirrhosis of the liver at the age of 50 due to drinking.
If you want to uncomplicated your life, start doing things that don’t bring you unnecessary problems that only impede your growth & personal evolution. Find (workable program, counselor, therapist) a safe energetic climate in the environment you wish to be so you can begin to generate happier healthier outcomes. Most times its about you cleaning house & getting your shit together so you can begin to unpack the trauma that its hiding behind. The truth for me was all my inner demons were much scarier hidden in the dark than it actually was when I finally had the courage to bring it into the light. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3
Updated Repost 2016