I was groomed at an early age to see any kind of human hurt (mental, physical, emotional) as a sign of weakness, unless of course it was my former mother who was having one of her many “munchhausen” episodes, expecting our full sympathetic attention. I was taught at a young age to shake things off, suck it up & not to show my feelings because in the real world, nobody would care anyways. I believe in her own demented mind, she truly thought she was doing us a favor from her own icy cold unhealed traumatized spirit.
This misguided mentality was really confusing as a child when expressing my feeling. I don’t think I was properly able to, often times making it the real reason I had no-one to play with on the play ground. I cant say looking back I blame anyone for not wanting to play with me, because truthfully I adherently didn’t have healthy friendship skills. Inside my natural care free nature I was an abandoned sad, confused, hurt little girl just looking for someone to notice & connect to me.
I believe looking back in hindsight I ended up destroying & calcifying the area of my neck that houses the throat chakra with my inability to speak up in these relationships & the burden I carried because of it. I was never really taught how to articulate my feelings in a healthy constructive way, carrying the heaviness of explosive anger, hurt, resentment & pain in silence. My life took a drastic changed at the age of 39 just after signing my second set of divorce papers. It was as if my soul had other plans for me setting off an explosion of physical pain, herniating the discs in my neck from C3-C7 that required fusion 2 months later.
Its a miracle (truly) I didn’t become in that short lived 2 month moment, a bona fide drug addict with the amount of narcotics that were being pumped in my system. I was taking 3 different kinds of pain medications & whatever else that was prescribed that left me still in tremndous pain, emotionally numb, lost, hopeless, sleep deprived & silently suicidal. My biological family history of trauma + addiction could have taken me down an alternative path. Thankfully I had the grace of intuition to opt off the morphine the afternoon after my surgery, choosing to feel my way through this healing process, pain & all.
Some of the most powerful pain problems people carry have energetic roots of dis eased emotions stemming from their history & every day life. Many times we carry this stressful genetic belief system of baggage from generation to generation taking on a living vibration all of its own. Many times our environment, emotions, connections are drastically overlooked when diagnosing a problem the body is physically screaming attention for, because nobody thinks to associate anything outside the mechanics of the body.
The last thing my Dr. told me after clearing me at my 3 month check up (which was 12 years ago) was “Ill be seeing you again” because of the prognosis of my degenerative disc diagnosis. I smiled back & thought to myself THE FUCK YOU WILL. We have more control over our body than we are taught to believe if you’re able to look outside the comfort of your medically narrow way of thinking. Many people will take a pill yet continue to do the same things that makes them sick because they simply don’t want to give up what is hurting them, thinking the magic pill has made them better.
Some medications act as an illusion of healing, allowing you to think you are better when In truth without the medicine you would still be sick. Many times counter active drugs are prescribed to offset something else that was a side effect of the original pill, leaving the body full of toxins & other newer issues. I decided that I never EVER wanted to see that surgeon again & chose to dramatically change my life & its style of living. That required of me to reevaluate & change the basic beliefs I had, some people who were not healthy for me & move out from the place that I never belonged in.
I think I cried more in that time period after my surgery than I ever had allow myself too. It was the hardest, yet clearest place I had been in long time with recovery pain fueling my desire to thrive. I was mentally ready for the physical challenge that was before me, nurturing my damaged spirit & broken body back to life in full accountability. I changed the way I ate, slept, exercised & felt about myself, choosing nature at times over people as a form of detoxing. I started to get back into the things that brought me joy that had been absent at the comfort of others, finding my light in this most darkest time.
Sometimes we are ill advised by those around us who benefit from our being sick & by the people who are unable to see possibility outside the business of medicine, not believing in the magic of the human spirit & its connection to the body. Many times people end up surrendering to a diagnosis, giving up their hope & faith for any kind of recovery without ever considering a different path or an added alternative methods .( acupuncture, qigong, yoga, body work, healing, reiki, shamanic healing, inner child work, homeopathic, energy medicine, sobriety, healthy clean living, exercise) This alone takes an on energetic pathogen that implants & downloads an emotional virus, that communicates to the mental part of the brain that then commands the body to just give up. It’s up to you to choose to be a vigilant advocate in your healing & health. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3
*Updated Repost 2016