National Adoption Awareness Month ~ Behind Closed Doors

I was adopted into a generational abusive dysfunctional family, having a narcissist for a mother & an enabler as a father.   Each one of their 3 adopted children were groomed & designed to play out of the roles designated by the monarch.  We unknowingly & willingly took turns throughout our lives in a triangulation of the golden child, the scapegoat & the black sheep of the family depending on who at the time was bringing her the most admiration & attention.  Only one of my siblings has present limited contact with these people.

I never really understood the crazy dynamics of this wounded family as a child, thinking this was normal family behavior.  It wasn’t until my 40’s that I started to notice its real toxic extremities that cultivated extreme havoc on my emotional welfare with a lifetime of lasting phycological effects.  I had no clue how abused I was until I began to heal, spending many sessions with a therapist & healer trying to unravel it all.  It never occur to me that the invisible wounds, scars & trauma I carried throughout my life were a form of mental & emotional abuse I endured thinking all along that I would had needed bruises to prove someone was hurting me.

 I was blamed, ridiculed, punished, traumatized & bullied into believing things that at times were never true, being gaslighted & manipulated into questioning my own reality from other peoples distorted beliefs.  I was held responsible for the emotional welfare of people who were mentally sick in their own head, using me as a pawn to feed their own fucked up chess game.  The effects & consequences of my healing were counter acted with many of my former family members using my own children against me as their ploy, in hopes of destroying the last surivivng part of my spirit.

It was my husband who I had newly married 10 years ago that began to empower me with the courage to fight back, seeing the abuse from an outsiders perspective.  He gave me support & the push to stand my ground, imposing boundaries that were heavily needed & constantly disrespected.  We together began to rewire the unhealthy dialog that strangled my spirit, detoxing me like an addict from the years of being taken advantage of.  My husband has held my hand for years, watching the darkest part of my spirit arise from the dungeon to meet the light & love me threw this time to illuminate within its grace.

I suffered from Post traumatic Stress Disorder that was often times triggered in the healing rehab of my emotional & mental state.  The pain in finding out the truth about yourself & family is the hardest thing to comprehend, just wanting to be loved by the parents who couldn’t ever love you back.  Spending so much time being fucked up & then finding clarity in its wake is one of the scariest places to be, especially when the outside world around you is rooting for your failure.  This is when I finally chose myself over them.

I cry for that girl I once was, having no boundaries or protection with all her invisible wounds that nobody seemed to care about.  Sometimes the wounded, angry people in your life have no remorse & don’t really want you to change, sabotaging & feeding you with emotional toxins to keep you addicted to their kind of sick.  Misery loves company.   It’s threatening to those around you who are unhealthy, not wanting you to outgrow the story of behavior that was accustomed to being projecting on as a deflection for their own traumatized lives.

You in the end are responsible for your own life after a certain age.  Don’t ever allow anyone the opportunity to persecute you for wanting a life of happiness or tell you otherwise.  As a human, you deserve health, happiness, abundance, wealth, prosperity & LOVE.  What & how you decide to live becomes a decision only you will have the power & courage to create.  The best revenge was letting them all go & then becoming the best version of myself Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

 

Revised Repost Nov. 2017