November Is Adoption Awareness Month ~ My Biological Father Jack & The Gift In The Wake Of His Death

I was reunited with my biological father jack (who lived in the State of Washington) back in 2000 via snail mail, phone calls, email & eventually facebook 2 years after I legally opened my adoption file back in 1998.  My initial response to the lack of reception was heartache & disappointment that nobody showed interest to greet the child that they left behind.  I think it sent me down the emotional rabbit hole, taking my abandonment issues to a whole other level.  It wasn’t until 2 years later that everything was about to change when a biological parent who was looking for me too, finally got matched together.

Im not going lie, I was hurt that it wasn’t my biological mother searching for me feeling that deep gaping wound inside begin to pulse pain again.  I was however ecstatic & over the moon that my biological father Jack DeRyke showed up & made the first initial contact after being briefed by a case worker who handled our match up.  He wrote me a 5 page opening letter that began the journey to this much needed healing reunion.

Unknowingly, Jack had spent the greater part of his adult years searching the paper trails & online chat groups for his daughter that was given up for adoption on the other side of the country.  This was just as important to him as it was to me, closing the wounds of abandonment that haunted us both.  We spent 12 years happily tippy toeing around each other, not wanting to push a face to face meet up.  I was in a prior abusive relationship with 2 small children, making the head space of this so small & unsupported in the idea of who Jack was to me.

On my 42nd birthday, Jack sent me a message that was in hindsight his souls goodbye letter to me.  He shared with me in this letter things he had never said before.  Jack wrote how he truly felt about our connection & the love in his heart because of it, not knowing consciously this was his last goodbye.  3 weeks after my birthday in 2011, I received a frantic call from his wife that Jack had gone missing.  He was an avid fly fisherman who never returned back home that day & couldn’t be found anywhere.  His truck was left on the side of the road & it wasn’t until days later that the search party got helicopter support, recovering his lifeless body that was floating down the Skagett River.

During this time period, his sister, who I had never had any contact with reached out to me while we were waiting helplessly for news about Jack.  Instantly we had a profound connection with each other, discovering a very soulful union that I wasn’t anticipating on at all.   It’s as if jacks spirit gave us a magical passing gift that day he died.  After a few messages back & forth, my husband Eran took it upon himself to share a private letter with Monica he had written to Jack in hopes of reuniting us in person.  Weeks prior out of fear, it was me that wouldn’t allow him to send this letter to jack.

This new found discovery in Monica opened a gateway to a much deeper rooted connection & conversations that sparked a profound belonging to one another that we never knew we shared.  We were two peas from the same pod finding roots in each other the same time we had to say goodbye to her brother & my biological father.  Monica is a healer, astrologer, intuitive reader, making who I am at the core finally validated all these years later.  My nature was more dominate & powerful than my nurture, dissolving someone else storyline for me that was the farthest from the truth.

I had more in common with Monica than I ever had with jack & realize that on some unconscious level Jack understood this too.  I truly believe he sent me a gift that day to help cope with this traumatic passing I was not prepared to say goodbye to.  I have never felt so much pain come out of my body the day I found out they recovered his body.  I think I cried straight for days, unable to control the sobs, feeling like I had let him down by being so afraid to meet him in person.  I remember that night I went outside for a cigarette with Eran & asked for him to give me a sign.  I shit you not the clouds made a smily face with the letter J next to it.  This is the magic of a fathers love.

Sometimes, when you are able to see threw the storm you can witness the light of beauty unfolding before you.  This tragedy gave me an aunt who I probably wouldn’t have connected too if Jack was still alive.  This miraculous relationship lead to her physically making the journey that Jack could never complete, flying to Michigan for my 45 birthday to connect this flesh & blood for the very first time .  Monica closed the circle for us that Jack & I were incapable of doing, spending the week with the daughter, son in law & granddaughters he never got to physically meet.

I know Jack is relishing in this ongoing relationship that I have with his sister, enjoying the view from where his spirit now resides. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3

Revised Repost 2016