I became aware of a new word the other day that I had truly never heard before, making so much more sense to my already visual picture of the Narcissist. I used to believe I was going crazy, based on the personal fictious experiences I was subjected to of being a pawn in peoples constant game of chess. It wasn’t until I was enlightened with this new term GASLIGHTING that I began to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, feeling the emotional residue of abuse I once had to endure.
Sometimes we find ourselves in all sorts of different types of relationships with people who use their charm & charisma to entice you into their web of deceit. They start out by love bombing you in the beginning, pumping you up with empty feelings of words that trigger your emotions so they can act out the story to hook you in. Slowly they begin to callously use this love for manipulation, confusion & distortion as a weapon of emotional destruction & control.
Over time you yourself slowly become polluted with these toxins from these parasites, altering the way you would have once seen the situation. You begin finding yourself uncontrollably spinning in your own mistaken skin, feeling emotionally & mentally waisted & damaged by the toxic kool aid you have been ingesting as a source of nourishment that instead, slowly destroys the human spirit.
I have suffered many forms of this abuse throughout my life, causing me to question the lack of love & self worth I once had. In some unconscious capacity, I believed I deserved to be treated in this destructive manner, being adopted, feeling so unlovable & not being able to actually see the marks of abuse upon my skin but rather feel them in the deepest places of my psyche. My earliest form of love came at the hands of my adopted narcissistic mother, so knowing any differently was never my option, till much later in life when I met my now husband.
Looking back, I truly believe the human spirit is the most remarkable warrior, when nourished & powered by the ultimate antidote of love & hope. I had to sever all ties with my former abusers in order to reclaim the woman I knew to authentically exist without the toxic nourishment. I didn’t care anymore for the hatred or smear campaign that was used in ways to discredit me especially when it came to my children, for my daughters would know over time the families ugly truth. Patience is truly a virtue.
I began to live a more quiet peaceful, meaningful life with my husband, healing the tangled up emotional threads that once had been worn as my noose. I found the ability to forgive myself in my sacred healing work, which aloud me to purge & let go of the emotions that kept me bound to my abusers, forgiving them too. This gave me back my life, my power of freedom & open me back up directly to the universal gifts of abundance that was once camouflaged & distorted by the effects of being gaslighted. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3