I had an epiphany yesterday after celebrating my husbands 42 birthday this past weekend. I realized in that singular moment of pure happiness that if those various suicide attempts I had tried way back when would have taken my life, I wouldn’t have be able to be where I am today. I would have missed out on such a beautiful life outside of that pain, enjoying the feeling of profound emotions while experiencing this life with my family the way I dreamt of it to be.
It wasn’t an easy road to get to this place where I am today, having a life after narcissistic abuse but it never is when your committed to recovery & healing. I had to destroy all of the beliefs that were instrumental in the pollution of my mental & emotional body that I suffered from my early childhood that I took with me unknowingly into my adulthood. This narcissistic abuse once contaminated me down to the basics of my beautiful existence, stripping me away from the light that I am.
Who I am today isn’t a reflection of how I was raised, yet how I chose to heal what I survived, detaching me from the ties that once bound me to this trauma. I did the unthinkable & decided to use this power of my own beautiful love as growth, instead of remaining small in the idea of remaining a victim to the punishable crimes that were once committed to my psyche & never accounted for.
Looking back from where I am today, it was that traumatized child within that choose many of the experiences I endured for its pain that I knew rather than that kind of love that I didn’t. What I realized during my years in healing is that trauma will continue to manifest & torment you in ways beyond your control when they go uncared for, showing up in a variety of ways to feed your own oppressor that was created by the experiences within.
I think from a higher being perspective understanding, these lessons were for my greater unconscious purpose, forcing me to be who & where I am today which is a most beautiful place to be. I can with all my senses feel the riches of my healing wealth while enjoying the true fruits of this labor of self love & care. It is because of that, that this can exist, reaping in all the extraordinary benefits that comes when you begin to peel & shed all those past layers.
Sometimes, it is in those small reflective moments of pure alignment & knowing, you get a glimpse of the intended meaning behind a past event & why it was so important that you somehow managed to survive that day. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3