I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I have been in such a personal good space I didn’t feel like what I had to write about was as worthy as my pain and heart ach once was..how about that for some fucked up self belief system I have spent the last few years rebooting and rewiring that obviously still needs some major tweaking..
I was at my healer today for my monthly session and discovered the absurdity to this idea I have subscribed too that I hadn’t even realized i had until I heard the words breathed out from my mouth..I actually think I have a form of recovering guilt that prohibits me from expressing my happiness in writing, simply out of feeling bad that im no longer in that shitty space any more because I know so many people who still are..
I realized that for the VERY FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, IM SOOO FUCKING GOOD that I felt ashamed I had good things to write about instead of the things I wrote in my darker hours from my tortured heart..I found myself instead in a space of in between that I had single handedly walked myself into out of shame that for once in my life, I can breath without holding my breath..
I was watching a document on Netflix a while back called heal, and the one thing that really stuck out to me was the idea that most people who are sick don’t know who they are anymore without being sick..so instead they create and make their sickness the identity they only can identify with, making it nearly impossible to recover while losing sight of their true self away from the dis ease..
I have spent so many years writing about my trauma, abuse and recovery that I have a hard time writing about my joy and finding a new identity as a writer outside that platform I put myself into..The music I even used to write with in the back round I cant even write too anymore because I find it distracting, while sucking the pure light right out of my happy heart..talk about a full circle..
In this revelation, i discovered without even realizing, that there are things that I once identified with that have naturally served its purpose and faded away with proper closure that I hadn’t realized came to an end..somehow I was unconsciously looking to recreate these roots I knew so well that were no longer available and instead kept me from being able to write about other things I wanted to write about..
I think sometimes you need to reinvent yourself when you have completed a journey while finding yourself at the cross roads..its ok to not know what direction to take with the fork in the road that happens to be the beginning of your new YOU journey that your on..its crucial and imperative to start to shed those old layers and patterns, leaving them for the nature of life to fertilize the earth with, while you begin to regenerate new healthy fresh layers..
The world has a way of laying the groundwork for the universe to intervene and show up for the mastery work you have completed..Its up to you to get out of your old self and leave it all behind, stepping into the domain of the unknown and allow the work you have accomplished and achieved the ability to show up in its new form..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3