I’ve been having a hard time loving my exterior body lately, partially due to my changing hormones, the aging factor of my approaching 49 in a couple of weeks and partially due to the exercise regimen were I am trying to increase ass mass and stronger legs..
This combination of a beautiful yet aging body of skin and a bigger denim size (which alone can fuck with your head) has challenged the mental facets of where my brain feels love when I take a moment within my reflection..this in between stage is where lays your hardest inner work and your greatest challenge of obstacles..
I’m not afraid to admit it that when alone I can have these rotten conversations even though I know the reality of my beauty and her beast..I was groomed to self loath and see all my ugly in its entirety finding my flaws that would appears to make me less, even though in truth In todays time i truly feel whole..
My hormones are a work in progress during this ‘pause” of change, embracing the next stage in life where I am now centered around doing for me for the first time in my life which has been a struggle..I was trained to not be relevant and for my opinion to have no volume or matter for the greater good because I would be selfish if I wasn’t compliant..
My husband, bless his soul, has asked me countless times as supportive encourager to explore what I want to do in this second act of life that I have been preparing and studying for the last few years..i have discovered through my recovery of self and healing process that i am worth more than I had once settled for and am now coming full circle in this realization creating a new improved value..
Its the first time in my life that I am no longer needing to survive and haven’t a fucking clue how to live in this new role im currently stuck procrastinating in..the survivor persona I once relied on to save me all the time has transcended and now its up to little old me who is a scared warrior to explore this heighten sense of freedom because I actually have creative choices now..
My habitual ritual habitat saved me from ever wanting more, keeping me small and without risk because it was all I knew how to do..now, the once creation of its cycle has ended and like nature it is time to allow the season of me to come into fruition and begin a whole new regimen of life..
Who knew this age and time would feel so heavy on my heart as I essentially mourn the passing of my younger self and accept with grace the beginning of my 49th year..i watch nature seamlessly teach me how to shed the leaves of my self in preparation of the rebirth about to take place..
At birth our root chakra is a learning cycle of 7 years giving us lessons of the basic necessities of our upcoming life (instinct, security, trust, survival, family, grounding)..its over all constitution is about our primal needs and the knowledge provided during this time that constructs and sets the path for the rest of our lives..(hence why healing is so detrimental and important)
The 49th year in our lives is quite pivotal and profound..all of these energy centers are reset back to start and you are given the opportunity to exercise all that you have learned, discovered, realized and begin to actually LIVE each centered to your fullest..again which is why healing is so very important to the next 49 years of your life..
So today I raise my grail of coffee that has inspired so many of my personal internal conversations and to the last few weeks of 48..i am grateful that I have not ever surrendered to giving up on my journey, hoping that one day it would all make worthwhile sense..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3