I went to my healer yesterday and had a profound revelation that I knew existed deep within, yet just had never given it letters and the real space and air to manifest into a spoken breath..the work of self is not an easy one and is often abandoned mid way though because who actually wants to feel something that they have to acknowledge and heal..
Let me rewind it back to yesterday morning when my husband got out of bed at 6 am and I reached for my crystal (moldivite) to meditate with while i connected to my spirit..lets be honest, i ended up falling back asleep having the most prophetic dream instead that was so intense I could literally feel the dream happening in real time..
I dreamt I was cleaning (go figure) what looked to be some sort of bedroom and out of no where in that moment I buckled over, actually feeling the physical body of something birthing out of me..i grabbed ahold of it in my pants as it gently fell out only feeling the supreme heaviness of it in my hands and then it was over..
I explained this dream to my healer and all the other signs and symbols i have been receiving while acting as an observer in my life right now, just watching and listening..while chit chatting with her about a course my husband and i are taking together next week on Chinese medicine and the use of crystals, it dawned on me when i stated out loud that I needed to “STEP OUT OF MARCIE IN ORDER FOR IT TO HAPPEN” did this divine shift begin to click..
It dawned on me in that moment of absolute clarity my honest disconnection to my name..i have always disliked it never enjoying its tone or sound and that self of me who i am not, making that statement have so much electricity..i literally had to move away from her in order to give my authentic self permission to do something of joy and education i didn’t believe i should deserve or be entitled too..
This began the conversation of how i have never felt a connection to this name “MARCIE” (my husband and i have spoken about this) nor the persona i was supposed to be that was given to me by my adoptive parents..it actually has brought vile from my belly when i would hear certain people growl my name out of their mouths making it almost hideous for me to endure..that is the residue damage left from my adoption and the abuse i was subjected too if you want the truth..
I had a first name believe it or not at birth “lisa” that i feel no connection too either that my biological mother gave me as she handed me off to social services..not sure if she just picked a name (because that too was too painful i would assume) and slapped it on the birth certificate for it to be changed and made pretty for the sake of my new set of parents, or if it was something that she nurtured me with while i was growing in her belly..
I wonder what she had really called me in her womb and how it felt to respond to her voice when she breathed my name..did you know that fetal cells stay in circulation of the mothers body for 27 years after birth making the connection between child and mother that much more profound..in the kabbalah it is stated that the mother has the intuition of your name giving you something basically magical from her divine wisdom..
it finally occurred to me during my healing session as painful as it was to admit that i was never once named after the divine essence of who i am and who i was supposed to be to her, like i done for my own daughters..
life is interesting in a painful yet exhilarating way, and takes you through ebbs and flows of highs and lows and ins and outs spitting you out where ever you are supposed to be..
yesterday i found myself on a new journey of discovery to find my OWN NAME that belongs to me for the very first time, no longer feeling compelled to have to step out of the way for myself to come through, for i am no longer her anymore..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3