I never realized how bright my light is until I came to terms with how disruptive and chaotic my environment had been surviving on emotional crumbs that I thought were full course meals of sustenance..i never put together that the ache in my emotional body was that of starvation, surviving on processed emotional nutrients of fuckedupness that nobody ever wanted to talk about because it requires to admit your deepest darkest truth about yourself that is spent in hiding..
being and feeling utterly abandoned from the get go, I “ate” whatever love looked like out of hunger, even if it was abusive not knowing any better trying to feel full and nourished on very limited longevity..i can remember always searching for something more, because that is essentially what you do when the happy meal wears off, accepting whatever comes your way like a street dog taking scraps from any stranger that wants to feed it..
it wasn’t until I began to crawl out of my darkest hour when I saw that flicker of light in the darkness that was my lighthouse, trying to get my attention to tend to the flame within..i began to work on this light that I knew needed a major reboot from all the depleted energy that was nourishing others and never occurred to replenish mine..being called selfish all the time was considered a bad thing in our home, so who knew the concept of self care..
i couldn’t understand the gravity back then of what it meant to reclaim my spirit and how my light was actually a source of energy for those just looking to suck it dry..there is a psychology name for those kind of people now, they call them emotional vampires (energetic mosquitos) that feed off your energy supply, sucking you dry while in return filling you up instead with some sort of toxic nutrient leaving you feeling confused and dazed and them feeling powerfully energized..
ive discovered that being a “lighter” attracts all different kinds of people who swarm to you the minute you begin to power yourself back up..after being dormant for so many tired years, I began to discover the love and passion for the things that made my heart and soul feel joyful again beaming at my seems..i started to attract individuals who were starving themselves and sought a light source for replenishment using my force to be their light..
the thing about life is that it teaches you over and over again by your patterned behavior what you need to do differently..i began to take inventory of those who brought crumbs to my spiritual table of love, and slowly removed them from the seat I had them sitting at for self car and love which I discovered isn’t selfish at all..I was no longer starving for these emotional connections because I realized I had all that for myself and the minute you put a boundary for someone, you SEE their truth clearly..
when you step into your lighthouse, you must realize that you will begin to attract anything to such a luminous glow, enmeshed in its radiance..the work I have done on myself has given me a muscle I never knew existed that has no problem stopping the sabotager from trying to dim my blaze out of their own loath and fear looking to shut me down..my most valuable lesson is i no longer feel the need to minimize myself for the comfort of others by keeping myself small, and so I continue to expand..
monsters will only remain scary while you continue to live in the dark, and the light becomes the brightest when you are able to discover that this energy is you..find your courage to just turn it on and slowly begin to shine your dust off becoming a “LIGHTER”..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3