I never realized how bright my light is until I came to terms with how disruptive & chaotic my environment had been, surviving on emotional crumbs that I thought were full course meals of sustenance. I never put together that the ache in my emotional body was that of starvation, surviving on processed emotional nutrients of fuckedupness that nobody ever wanted to talk about. This requires one to admit the deepest darkest truth about yourself that is spent in hiding.
Knowing & feeling utterly abandoned from the get go, I “ate” whatever love looked like out of hunger. Even when it was abusive I didn’t know any better, just trying to feel full & nourished on very limited longevity. I can remember always searching for something more because that is essentially what you do when the happy meal wears off, accepting whatever comes your way like a street dog taking scraps from any stranger that wants to feed it.
It wasn’t until I began to crawl out of my darkest hour when I saw that flicker of light in the darkness that was my lighthouse, trying to get my attention to tend to the flame within. I began to work on this light that I knew needed a major reboot from all the depleted energy that was nourishing others & never occurred to replenish mine. I was called selfish all the time when I did, so who knew that the concept of self care was a good thing.
I couldn’t understand the gravity back then of what it meant to reclaim my spirit & how my light was actually a source of energy for those just looking to suck it dry. There is a psychology name for those kind of people now, they call them emotional vampires (energetic mosquitos) that feed off your energy supply. They work to suck you dry, filling you up instead with some sort of toxic nutrient that leaves you feeling confused, dazed & the vampire feeling powerfully energized.
Ive discovered that being a “lighter” attracts all different kinds of people who swarm to you the minute you begin to power yourself back up. After being dormant for so many tired years, I began to discover the love & passion for the things that made my heart & soul feel joyful again, beaming out of my seems. I started to attract individuals who were starving themselves & sought a light source for replenishment, using me & my force to be their light.
The thing about life is that it teaches you over & over again by your patterned behavior what you need to do differently. I began taking inventory of those who brought crumbs to my spiritual table of love. I slowly removed them from the seat I had them sitting at for self car & love which I discovered isn’t a selfish act at all. I was no longer starving for these emotional connections because I realized I had all of it within myself. The moment you put up a boundary for someone is when you get to SEE their truth more clearly.
When you step into your lighthouse, you must realize that you will begin to attract anything to such a luminous glow, enmeshed by its radiance. The work I have done on myself has given me a muscle I never knew existed. Now I no problem stopping the sabotager from trying to dim my blaze out of their own loath & fear, looking to shut me down..My most valuable lesson is I no longer feel the need to minimize myself for the comfort of others by keeping myself small & so I continue to expand.
Monsters will only remain scary while you continue to live in the dark & the light becomes the brightest when you are able to discover that this light house of energy is you. Find your courage to turn it back on & become the “LIGHTER” that you are..peace love faith hope <3 <3 <3