i grew up in an adopted dysfunctional family having a narcissist as a mother.. out of the 3 of us, one of us was designated to play the role of the scapegoat otherwise referred to as the black sheep of the family..im pretty sure i willingly took turns playing that role with my younger sibling passing it back and forth whenever it was convenient and suited my mother..
i never really understood as a kid the crazy dynamics of this wounded family, only believing this was typical normal standard behavior..it wasn’t until i was much older and began my own process of healing did i understanding the psychological effects that occurred and how i accepted that role of the fool so easily throughout a huge period of time recreating history with different players in a lot of my past relationships..
looking back, i can pin point exactly the doormat behavior i unconsciously portrayed in the toxic relationships accepting blame for other peoples wrong doings..to the point that i once got ridiculed and bullied into thinking that it was partially my fault that a certain someone lost their license for a long period of time because they were caught driving on a suspended license thinking they are above the law that was never disclosed to me..
yes i had SUCKER written all over my forehead and suffered the effects and the consequences that came with that burden because the outcome would have been worse if i didn’t..that situation and my external declaration of being a timid weak scared person set me up for a whole boat load of more shame, blame and burden for everyone elses bad behavior..
it was something special, until one day i became enpowered with the critical help of my husband..GOD BLESS HIM, because he gave me the courage to believe i am more worthy of the unselfish sick love i settled for, and things that purposely hurt me to the core that i believed i deserved..he began to help rewire me back to a normal frequency allowing me to become free of the toxic tangle i was strangling in while detoxing me from years of being gaslighted..over time i became a scapegoat survivor..
i had post traumatic stress disorder and occasionally would rebel and revert back to being a doormat because habit and ritual are so comforting..i would scream at the top of my lungs out of frustration because being so fucked up for so long and finding clarity is the scariest form of healing..it requires the most amount of patience when the rest of your world around you wants to see you fail, be miserable and unhealthy like them pining for the control..healing yourself is the best awakening to truly discover who has your best interest, and i found out the very hard way as i chose to save myself..
i cry for that woman i once was at times, for having no boundaries..you see, people don’t want you to change when they themselves are wounded, hurt, angry and exhausted..they don’t want you to outgrown the story and move forward while they themselves are stuck in the toxic paragraph past still turning wheels of yesteryears..their inability to move forward into healthier times is your fault still trying to blame you for their own doings and grievances..
at some point you are solely responsible for your own life and have to accept ownership of your own shit while allowing yourself to not blame others for your own actions and redundant behavior..don’t ever allow anybody to persecute you for wanting and needing to heal opening your self up to a higher conscious of love and understanding..be thankful and grateful that they show you exactly who they are so you will never subscribe to being the scapegoat again escaping the abuse you truly don’t deserve to endure..peace love faith hope..