sometimes you have to be selfish (you read that correctly) in a beautifully healthy way, which goes against the nature of most people and personalities regardless of how you were raised..even the word SELFISH alone probably makes some of you feel utterly uncomfortable because it has such a negative connotation surrounding it..
I used to think it was such an ugly word and lived to avoid being called it at all costs..I knew exactly how it felt to be labeled as an adjective and as a noun especially when my needs and wants were required to be met..even while I sit here writing this I can still feel the trauma of this specific word penetrating parts of me that are still freshly healed..thats how strong some words are to us, just saying..
I was a yes person, even when inside I was screaming at the top of my lungs the words NOOOOOOOOOOOO..i would agree to things, really stupid things mind you that I wouldn’t have necessarily agreed too just to keep the peace or prevent a fight from happening..I couldnt stand confrontation which was a weakness in itself but because I was taught to fight horribly and dirty it ignited my SUPER CHARGED scoprio that is sometimes the ugliest aspect about me..hurt people hurt people, plain and simple honest truth..
i was broken inside in so many different places with only my skin and bones really holding me together, or at least that is how I felt..I learned to blend in by pleasing everybody I came across on the surface because my self esteem was so brutally dismantled leaving me to feel helpless..that in itself is the worst place to be, making you vulnerable and susceptible to preying emotional stalkers wishing to suck the rest of the life right out of you in pure psychotic joy..
I realized over lots and lots of time that it is essential at times to be selfish, making YOU that absolute priority..i also pissed off a lot of people who couldn’t handle the yes girl turning into the just say NO girl, creating for once healthy boundaries that kept trespassers out..i needed to be selfish really fucking selfish, to begin to heal and to really be able to begin the work I walked through to get here to do..
I began to purify my spirit, and nourish it in the most selfish unapologetic way..i began to say no and watch the games begin giving those simple letters so much life and energy..i began to watch, like the tower of the tarot deck, my life dismantle in front of me breaking everything around me to crumble to the ground, left in the rubble of what some might view as despair, that I saw and represented my freedom..
it brought me to here, where I was destined to be scared up beautifully and all..i took the word selfish and embraced it for once in my life making me the number one priority so I could eventually give everything outward bound a better meaning with higher vibrations that came naturally instead of induced..
what you see now from came from being abundantly selfish from an unfamiliar exploratory alternative route that was about self mastery love instead of ego..it was about getting real, and really digging into those places you wish would disappear with your subconscious that still continue to effect you in the most bizarre unexplained ways showing up so inconveniently..
what i leaned about really being selfish for myself is, when you are abundant and prosperous in your own space, you have so much more to give outward in return because of it..your generosity outpours because you are so nourished and replenished that it doesn’t take a toll on your mind body and spirit creating an overall balance universally..
sometimes, requesting a long over due time out is the best thing you can ever do for yourself..peace love faith hope