sometimes I can be very impatient and kinda impulsive at the same time..like a child wanting something so bad, tapping their foot in anticipation over having to wait for it and then just going to take what they were waiting for in the end because its taking to long..yesterday, i watched the clock all day with an excited butterfly stomach ready to charge into the experience because i have been only waiting for this specific moment my entire life..
from the time i can remember finding out at a very young age that i was adopted, i had always dreamed and fantasized about finding and meeting my biological mother (no offense to jack my biological father)..i would search for her every where i went looking at total strangers for a glimpse of recognition in hopes someone would notice the sad little girl who needed answers and closure to a love that remained empty yet that somehow internally i still continued to feel..
even as a grown woman, that little girl inside of me needed answers that only she had the power to relinquish over to me..why would a mother give their child away was always something that haunted me and kept me wounded even more so after i had my own children..what kind of a person could do this giving my wounds an emotion even more spiritually devastating and powerful, knowing intellectually that sometimes life just happens out of our control and has nothing to do with the actual love bond of a mother and her child..
i could never rest these feeling even though at times they were deeply dormant because life happens and you become busy disguising its true identity in other forms..the truth is, i had two mothers i couldn’t bond with, one by her choice and the other by adopted design.. i used to ask myself, that little girl inside if there was something wrong with me that i was that unworthy of a mother to love me the way a mother should love their children..
sometimes life is truly unfair.. you take what you have been given and you try to manifest the shit out of it to serve you better creating a life you choose to have and want verse the one that was serviced to you..so that is what i did and how i ended up here, right now..i decided after doing a massive amount of self work, self acceptance and self healing to extend the invitation and open up a place where biology is beautiful and gracious..
even though chris, my biological mother has been gone for many many years, she lives though a woman named jody my aunt who i got to meet last night for the first time and bond with..there is nothing like being able to touch your very own flesh and blood sharing DNA, traits and things that most regular people take for granted..i couldn’t stop staring at her with my mouth hung open like a little kid not knowing how to behave and act because i couldn’t stop staring..
today unfolds a new day of discovery, stories and wholesome abundance while she is here and as my bad ass journey continues to unravel around me even more..peace love faith hope