I seriously hate change, really I do regardless of all the paths I have conveniently accepted throughout my entire life purposely and or blindly..you would think by now that I have mastered its skill along with the feeling of being semi under control but just like you I am at times riddled with fear at the actual thought of transformation..it scares the living shit out of me frankly every time i am asked by the universe to take that risk in its synchronicity and step off my comfortable platform and into uncharted landscapes..
one, its a lot of work mentally physically spiritually and universally, and second it demands of you to see a honest intention and decide what you are going to do with it..to be perfectly clear i have always had to take these life risks feeling and seemingly alone all by my self without ever having a true safety net to save me when i was splattered on the ground..up until now i was without having the safeguard and protection that i now receive and have of my husband yet the survivors trauma and fear still feels very real inside of me even though i know intellectually differently..im a work in progress to become fearless..
listen I still wear my electric blue eye liner from the 80s because im an original I discovered and it feels good on me plus its what I like..i have tried other colors and dabbled into eye make up for a short brief moment when some ladies I was spending time with became NARS fanatics and I followed the band wagon..it lasted for about a hot moment and couldn’t stand the clown that was in the mirror hollering back at me so I threw out the eye make up and went back to my blue mascara and eyeliner calling it a done day..
actually i felt like a phony covering up a sadness to my eyes that nobody else could really see because of the shimmery green shit smeared all over my eyelids twinkling at everyone..ironically, I ended up loosing all my eye lashes (internalized stress) anyways after that brief moment from some very heavy personal stress forcing me to see THE REAL when one of my complemented assets where no longer available..it was actually a metaphor the universe served me because I refused to read the memo on CHANGE..
imagine your eyes without any eye lashes and now try to find the depth of beauty for yourself in that..i know its sounds stupid but i had a hard time in general seeing my beauty and worth even though it was “only” eye lashes missing..the truth was i had been marinating in the ugliness ultimately of my own doing and was refusing to shift and change because my fear was so much greater than the outcome so I remained buried..
i got SERVED an even greater lesson by the universe and this time it came in herniated disks to my neck i suffered all in one fabulous blow leaving my fused from c3 to c7..spiritually mentally physically I was tested above the grave I hovered over in contemplation and found the courage to pass the lessons that was then gifted 10 fold to me for performance creativity and my warrior will to survive..
i have a lot of change happening right now that im really trying hard not to be a scaredicat too..im trying to flow and acknowledge the shifting waters to my foundation that usually make me motion sick while finding another emotion to occupy myself with instead..i pay more attention to the details of my body and find a way to ease myself into feeling that change is good and my worthiness is undeniable..the real question is are we ever ready for real change and the answer is YES..the lesson is can you remain flexible when you want to stiffen up in life?
i think sometimes we lean in towards undervaluing the sensitive sides of our beings creating a gap between what we know and what we believe..i think we focus on all that will go wrong instead of using all the seeds that have been planted while enjoying the rise of growth sprouting before the eyes marking its ability to transform and adapt in front of us..i think its human nature to deplete the optimistic energies that dont feed the ego because we don’t know who we are when are ego isn’t residing in our decisions..
we even take it a step further by protecting the possibility of making mistakes because we are too proud of failure and what that means collectively to be human..its been programmed through generations that when you fail at something your labeled a loser wearing a badge of shame as the reminder..from a former “loser” to another, take the badge off and see your mistakes as legitimate assets of wisdom closing the gap of a brighter future while allowing all the light to manifest within and in return pouring it back out..
what you may lose in the end is nothing compared to what you achieve and gain with the outcome of your will to succeed..peace love faith hope