i have been in family esk therapy now for over 5 months, ever since I admitted we as a unit needed an intervention to help aid in our relationship as a “unconventional” family with toxic extremities and thankfully it has been really successful..i have no shame in saying that sometimes there are things, people, behavior and situations that are outside your capacity of managing and thankfully was encouraged by my husband to seek alternative professional help..
the beautiful thing that I have learned and take from by being in therapy is there is no shame in asking for advice and help while being vulnerable and open to critique..i have also been reminded no matter your situation, you can only have control over your own space and was validated for the work I have done and continue to do with my imposing boundaries and limitations upon those abusing my generosity as a loving human being..
I also think part of my healing process came to real fruition when I started to openly journal more about my real life scenarios that in a sense, freed me essentially from its burden..i realized that the external situations, circumstance and actors that once acted to bury and destroy me actually had no idea that instead had planted me not realizing that I was a SEED finding true strength and courage in my struggle and the will and desire to survive..
the things that I have been through and continue to go through have far less of an impact inside of me that now I have freed myself from its ties..the army of assholes that were there to take me down, now have to watch me blossom and bloom before them instead, gratifying the thread in all my choices and decisions that I have had to make..sometimes the greatest form of revenge is powered in the sweet pure honest love and desire to live a beautiful life despite where you have come from..
I wish I had know all along that its our secrets that make us tragically sick fueling a counter productive cause instead of a remedy….maybe I wouldn’t have gone threw this life at times feeling so lonely and isolated in my pain..my situations nearly lead me down a path of nearly taking my own life because of its shame that many people identify with yet are too scared to speak about.. I decided it was time to activate my voice to speak out and up creating a space for those looking to identify and can see themselves in the words of this blog..
i know what it feels like to wear and walk around with invisible marks of abuse that go conveniently unidentified and purposely unnoticed out of fear and lack of accountability..so I chose instead to expose my scars in way that makes them not as evil as they had felt at times allowing the humanness of my being a space to shine beautifully in its once imagined disgrace..
so to those who seek the need to read what I write as a way to use this platform against me, I salute you for your openness of exposing your humanness that isn’t so pretty..it must be a lot of work and exhausting to walk around pretending to be the you, you wish the world to see and its you that I pity..the irony and gift of authenticity is that you truly don’t care what other people think making life so much easier to be unattached from..
give your self permission to take your life back, and be accountable for your time and space making healthy choices solely for you..if going and seeking help is the life line that you need, then by god grab a hold of the rope..there is no shame in accepting your flaws and using them to dig a space fertilizing them with solutions that will help your seeds to grow..
be an advocate if it make its easier to expose the lesser qualities of your life as a tool to help aid in your healing while shining your light on to others..positive change is the effect in which the universe is forcing you to go while beautifully matching the ultimate work you do..there is nothing ever wrong with being beautifully fucked up in the most healthy loving kind way..peace love faith hope