I have been in family esk therapy now for over 5 months. It took admitting that we as a unit needed an intervention to help aid in our relationship as a “unconventional” family with highly toxic extremities. I have no shame in saying that sometimes there are things, people, behavior & situations that are outside your capacity of managing, being encouraged by my husband to seek alternative professional help..
The beautiful thing that I have learned from being in therapy is there is no shame in asking for advice & help while being vulnerably open to personal intimate critique. I also am reminded that no matter your situation, you can only have control over your own space. This was validating for me with the work I have done in imposing my boundaries & limitations with those working against it & abusing this generosity of me being the mom.
I also think part of my healing process came to fruition when I started to openly journal about my real life scenarios, freeing me essentially from its deep rooted burden. I realized that the external situations, circumstance & actors that once behaved to destroy & bury me, actually had no idea that what they had done was planted me instead, like a SEED. I found my way out of this emotional dark place with true inner strength & the courage to grow in the shit I was in with the desire to thrive.
The things that I have been through & continue to go through have far less of an impact inside of me, now that I have freed myself from most of its toxic ties. The army of assholes that once sought to take me down, now have to watch me blossom & bloom before their eyes. Sometimes the greatest form of revenge is simply powered in the sweet pure honest love & desire to be free.
I wish I had know all along that its our secrets that make us tragically sick. Maybe throughout my life I could have spoken out, not having the burden of feeling so lonely & isolated in my pain that nearly took me down a path of wanting to end my own life. What I know is that shame spreads all kinds of life into things that will eventually become poisonous.
I know first hand what it feels like to wear the invisible marks of abuse that go conveniently unidentified & purposely ignored out of fear & no accountability. I chose instead to show these scars as a way that makes them not as ugly as they had once felt at times, allowing the humanness of my being a space to shine beautifully in its once imagined disgrace. This is healing.
To those who seek the need to read what I write as a way to use this platform against me, I salute you for the openness of exposing the true humanness to which you exist. It must be a lot of exhausting work to walk around pretending to be the you, you wish the world to see. This is the gift that in the end finially set me free.
Give your self permission to take back your life, being accountable for your time & space making healthy choices purely for you. If going to get help is the life line that you need, then by GOD grab a hold of that rope. There is no shame in accepting your flaws & using them to dig a space that will fertilizing them with solutions that will help water your seeds to grow.
Be an advocate if it make its easier to expose the lesser qualities of your life as a tool to help aid in your healing, while shining your light on to others. Positive change is the effect in which the universe is forcing you to go while beautifully matching the ultimate work you do. There is nothing ever wrong with being beautifully fucked up in the most healthy loving kind way. Peace Love Faith Hope <3 <3 <3