I decided to trash a blog I wrote the other day in “honor” of mothers day because it was just too harsh, even by my standards if you can even believe that..people at times, perceive me to be some what insensitive of others because I share my truth when in reality it is actually others who have been morally and ethically very insensitive to me going unscathed labeling me the daughter delinquent, but that’s a whole other subject..
Imagine at birth being handed off to a stranger, then to another stranger and foster care for a month and than adopted to a whole new kind of stranger which turned out to have deep rooted levels of narcissism for your entire life..then to be masterfully traded down for and dumped because the truth doesn’t deserve or owe you an apology but the lies deserve your undivided life..how would you respond or feel about mothers day..
biologically i cant even imagine what it was like for her back then (my biological mother), being pregnant in the home of unwed mothers on mothers day knowing she would have to eventually give me away..was mothers day even a thing back then and if so was it as superficial then as it is now or is it only my perception and experience that makes this day so utterly stupid with hallmark written all over it..as a mother the whole thing makes my heart and stomach hurt..
this day makes me cringe if you want to know the deep dark truth, actually wanting nothing to really do with it which is a shame for my own children when I think about it (my husband can attest to my horribleness surrounding anything worthy of celebrating me) ..its a reminder of what was taken away from me biologically mentally, physically, spiritually, metaphorically and what was given to me as the consolation prize to people who ended up not really valuing their adopted children enough to be able hold and nurture loving space with them..
the funny thing is, I love being a mom to my daughters fuck I would move heaven and earth for them while never turning my back unlike what a mother did to me..maybe on a soul level, these two spiritual being daughters of mine needed someone so strong to be willing stand up for them in this life that I had to go through all the experiences and consequences so I could understand whole heartedly what it meant to really be a mother so they had a better example to grow from than I did..
hopefully they can admire first hand a woman who had the maternal love suppressed on that adopted physical level and on a most biological level withheld from her and still chose to rise in the ashes of it breathing love and life into them unconditionally..now they have been given the upper hand and advantage that I didn’t have breaking the cycle of energetic connections that once bound them to this dis ease of a family breaking free before they themselves have children..
I don’t need a day in may to know my worth as a mother..my children adore me, regardless of the shit storm over the years they had to endure and wear parkas in because people invited them outside into it instead of protecting them like they should have..i don’t need gifts, flowers, breakfast or whatever else is required to fulfill this god awful day..i just need my daughters and my husband to know how much I deeply love them, because in the end for me its always and only about the love..peace love faith hope