I never once was taught from the early age of my adoption how to mourn & grieve my first initial loss that ended up effecting my entire life. I think because we are babies, the world around us was incapable of understanding the dynamics of this replacement mother/baby switch, believing we as children didn’t have anything to grieve. Adoptees are looked upon as a blessing in someones else’s life, while our own personal trauma from it goes unnoticed, ignored or dismissed, acting as if this loss never happened to us.
This was something I felt deeply that would often times leave me to cry myself to sleep at night, being in a constant state of invisible grief. I felt this energetic pull deep in my cells which became the necessity to my search in everyone I could see. There is now science to prove this cellular theory of mother child connected energy, having the fetal cells stay in circulations within the mothers body for 27 years after birth. I could have told you this existed all along but no body would believe.
Did you know that the suicide rate for adoptees is 4 time GREATER than that of non adoptees. Our coping skills become so undeveloped because we are not ever taught from a young age how to grieve our first traumatic loss & heal from it. Instead we learn how to suppress & modify our feelings to survive & get by in the world that hasn’t begun to acknowledge, notice & address our personal tragedy while we carry the burden with us, delightfully wrapped up in a gift.
Psychology now a days is becoming more in tune with this lack of awareness, that for years was dismissed or labeled as emotional/ behavioral issues problems. I have always said that anger is the action form to pain, which in my case was the loss of my biological mother. This felt loss of being energetically, emotionally, mentally & physically taken away from a mother has longer lasting effects on the psyche of a child & their sensory system, not ever addressing the wounds that are left to become unhealed untreated trauma. This is a great recipe for these emotional & behavior issues.
Some of the most basic emotional skills that are required for being a human being are sometimes lost in translation with adoptees, leaving us to navigate these inner feelings & emotions alone. Shame & guilt plays a huge roll in this inner dialog, becoming more worried about the adults emotional state when wanting to talk about these feelings & the trigger to the parents own unhealed trauma that brought them to adoption in the first place. Adoptees are often times met with a form of “loving” retaliation, diminishing these basic needs to off set the deeper truth that nobody has the tools to cope with.
It wasn’t until the last 10 years with my husband & going to a healer that I learned in my 40s I needed to begin to mourn this tragic loss I suffered that still continued to haunt me everywhere decades later. I had no idea that I suffered a traumatizing tragedy, denying myself a whole series of emotions that were the keys to my personal freedom in this healing process. I had no clue that I had allowed for this deep pain to show up in every other relationships as an extension of expression to the variety of trauma & pain I held onto inside. I had no clue that I was entitled to grieve my loss. Peace Love Faith Hope