my husband and I just starting watching the series “this is us” on demand by my clients recommendation adding a bit more depth (lol) into our otherwise sheepish bravo reality t.v housewives run we have been having for the last looong while..who knew we would both need a tissue box for every fucking episode and we only just finished the 3rd one..
any time I watch a show laced with adoption, it cracks open another space within these walls of mine that leak out emotions that at times I keep hidden from the outside would, exposing a part of me only privy to those who are vey near and dear..i cant help but to selfishly go there and feel my own natural pain through the rolling tears attached to the script im watching..
its nice to see finally a series “THIS IS US” that describes a part of me in a rawness otherwise non adopted folks will never begin to fathom or understand showing its vulnerability at a real face value..i hope more people really GET IT now in the REAL of it, the deep struggle behind maybe a happy face that most wont ever expose or show for fear of being criticized or scrutinized for wanting a truth where secrets and emptiness were deposited and left..
it brings me metaphorically to my knees watching someone else struggle with their adoptive identity even if he is just a character, creating a connection or bond with another needing like I once did the deep rooted desire to find and discover the back story to an entire life..i don’t feel like such a shitty daughter to the someone who left me or to the someone who got me of a human being to want that just for me myself and I..
to know who you are and not what others have told you who you are is the lining to all things connected in life, physically, mentally spiritually and INDIVIDUALLY..without it, you aren’t really a whole you, and someone other than the self you wish to be in its entirety..deep inside the body, on a cellular DNA level, you know the truth, and its that particular truth that drives someone like me to search seek and discover..
there is no shame in wanting this for yourself, and part of the responsibility in my opinion of an adopted parent is to unselfishly get out of your own way and nourish this if this desire is present in your child..this is unknowingly apart of the unspoken agreement when choosing to do such a beautiful act of human generosity when receiving such a child who is not of yours..
i know there are probably a lot of adoptive parents ready to rip me a new asshole by stating this, and im ok with that..i cant imagine what it must feel like to be you and how you got to this road of adoption but that is not for us to have to bare or carry for you..for once, understand what it feels like for us, who didn’t ask to fill in these dreams or your emptiness, to be someone to you that is unnatural for us and expected or demanded of it to be natural..
sometimes our nature is far more predominate than our nurture ,which has nothing to do with you AT ALL..it has to do with our biological make up and the threads that bind us outside the boundaries of where we were placed and the senses of our instincts that need answers and possibly closure to who we are and your unwavering compassion..
part of being a parent is the unconditional love that you must be able and willing to sacrifice your ego for within this job, especially with adopted children..I look forward to another episode in this series even if it leaves me in tears…peace love faith hope
p.s this was the song my biological father Jack DeRyke left for me prior to his passing before I ever had the chance to actually hug him..