I’ve been busy lately, studying actually to be honest and a tab bit slightly confused in a situational good manner as to the direction im supposed to be going in..not really too confused where it gives me anxiety or fear, but just enough to make me want to ponder and inspire my thoughts enough and really ask myself for the first time in what feels like forever, WHAT IS IT THAT I MARCIE WANT TO DO..
you see in truth my kids are getting older and I have discovered and slowly admitted that to myself, which is the majority of the battle, that they are less inclined and in need of my daily attention..having a 20 year old abroad in israel and a 15 year old who simply needs to be more managed and monitored, my actual skills at “parenting” are dwindling down becoming less and less needed while naturally opening up the vault within of who I am outside of being a mother..
I think most woman with children acceptingly loose their identity to a degree, having to blend in with their new role and environment for good reason, slowly letting go of the persona you once were with small remnants of who you are in between the seams..i don’t feel so guilty any more about wanting to discover the possibilities outside of my motherhood, because just like its my children’s time to discover who they are outside of me, its also I found out, my time to discover who I am outside of them..
I have spent a lot of time deciding and defining of what I am not, which universally we all know (well not all but whatever) isnt such a great idea giving energy attraction to the universe that continues serving you unwanted stuff of what your not, so I decided to flow in correspondence and take a fucking on line course that in the end will give me certification..i even took for shits and giggles the test at the end of the program simply just to gage and see where I am without all the material and fucking hell I got a 85 percent, so I know this is in the spectrum of my jam..
I think as woman we minimize ourselves to better serve our “home land community” while stuffing ourselves with superficial, yet valuable in essence, playdates and lunches to try and fill the void of who we once were..we create a sorority of sisters of others just like us so we can feel a sense of normalcy while walking in the motherhood craze role that if you didn’t have would tend to be lonely or make you bat shit crazy because in truth you have no fucking clue what your really doing..
most times mothers tend to be extremely disconnected from their authentic selves(do you really care what epic toy your kid is screaming about) especially if you have given up your whole entire “life” to be that helicopter mother that in the end is holding on too dear life tightly afraid to be let go of..i fortunately due to survival and single parenting, had to work which helped me balance myself allowing not all of me the opportunity of disappearing before my eyes, and simply now need some minor tweaking and possibly revamping for my next encore..
my husband is extremely supportive and encouraging seeing my potential probably more so than I see in myself..i think most if not all children need to see the mother role execute herself into another platform of womanhood modeling the next path of what it should look like after your done raising kids in a healthy positive way..no matter what, they still look up to you to see what and how your doing and you are no matter what, leading by example..
so for now im a crystal loving studying mama uncluttering my brain of irrelevant mother stuff I no longer need while giving it some new found space and a passion for learning..its something ironically I have always been passionate about yet taking it to the extreme next level while giving it room to see where it takes me..there is something incredibly valuable about excepting all the rights of passage as you grow and age allowing yourself and givng permission of the versatility to change, adapt and accept the next stage and chapter in your life..peace love faith hope