some times, life sets us up some really rocky experiences that coincide with our energetic behavior giving us a full does of what actual chaos looks like, even when we are emotionally unprepared and ill equipped to deal with the repercussions of our internal behavior..our sabotaging tendencies come into full effect when we are emotionally deciding our outcome based on the dose of lessons the universe is serving..its some fucked up shit..
as a teenager, I reacted and prevailed at continuously screwing myself without ever really realizing that I was syncing with what I was internally dialoging to the external world, and there for suffered more so, than if I could just sit my scorpio ass down and recharge..i see so many people never grow out of the immature knowledge behavior pattern and never learn that what you produce inside has a cause, effect and consequence within the parameter of the external outside world..
I even as much left this country in thinking that I could have fresh start somewhere else, and found myself without ever doing the work as a youngster, gradually accumulating all these undealt with emotions that became my baggage from one place to another, neatly and tidy but still fucked up in duffel bags of travel..i had no tools but escape to deal with the hand of cards that were dealt to me, and it was only age and failures that became my wisdom making me an uneducated professor in the school of hard knock life..
I didn’t have the proper role models or a life coach that could talk me off the ledge in life, instructing me to a higher elevation so I could see at things from a much different perspective making some really hard choices much easier..fear was one of my greatest advanced allies along with the invincible know it all wisdom ever teenager young adult suffers from..i was a perfect disaster, with the greatest excuses ticking like a time bomb waiting to implode..
I remember when I became a mother, and the holy shit sense of shame that had passed through me when I discovered a true love outside my selfish self..i actually grew a conscious that day believe it or not, aware that I was no longer a singular but was now a plural and everything I did effected the outcome to my offspring..i think it was the first real conversation with god begging him to help me..
that is a huge thing to swallow when you are at any age, knowing your life and the bags you have full of shit you never handled while holding another being that you have to raise..i made so many promises that day, to her, to me, to us even though I felt like an utter failure..looking back now, I think I really sucked at times at parenting on different topics because I see the mess I created for my children and how they now have to plow through stuff I never supplied them tools for..
im not ashamed for my humanness because I have shifted the parallel enough to openly speak about it and because of it have been gifted a much different outcome for empting the luggage of emotional baggage I no longer have to carry..when I stopped carrying around my fear and humiliation for being me, I let go of my clutches to the universe that pulled the strings to my negativity constantly making my life feel like a living hell..
we are solely responsible for our own happiness, and there are no real outlets other than ourselves to do the needed work that can produce that joy inside..i see people live in fabulous ways, that appear to have it all from a consumer point of view, that are the saddest most miserable humans alive..it is an inside job, that only you have the combination and will for, when your willing to commit to a process that help guides you and allows you to discover the secrets to this inexpensively free and yet very abundant feeling..
you can decide, every moment, of each day, how you are going to feel, irrelevant to what is happening around you, and choose if you are going to subscribe to the energy that will continue to shit and produce more storms for your irritation..in the end, you are the only mirror in the way, and the only one holding onto the responsibility of your inner chaos and the only one ever able to make that ultimate decision..nobody else can ever do that for you and the only one essentially responsible in the end is yourself..
darkness is a place waiting for the light to exists, it is simply just a matter of finding your switch..peace love faith hope