i have lately been conveniently blind from being over fearful

there is something very precious with the PAGE OF WANDS, a true sense of healthy fascination and awe in the pleasure of watching creation manifest before its eyes..this card represents the action that is taking place energetically around you offering you some creative opportunities at your beckon call..if you look at this card specifically, there is growth forming, budding and blossoming LIFE on the wand in a landscape that appears bleak and empty looking dry and vacant, making it the YES YOU FUCKING CAN card..

there is a huge creative force emerging from this “stick” offering up its opportunity for enthusiasm in what is before you, regardless of what is currently surrounding you..sometimes, we just cant seem to see “IT” by being conveniently blinded and are unable to clearly focus on what is smack dab in front of us, only seeing the obscurity that is depleted around us..

i have lately been conveniently blind from being over fearful, and more so honestly just lazy..i could write a thousand more blogs that just stay neatly here, not making waves anywhere else, just me and my magical maveness..I dislike any change, and have a very hard time as I get older molding into newer shapes and ideas as I grow comfortably wiser and older in my skin..

none the less, inside me is a burning desire for so many things that if you know me like my husband does, you would see the light in my soul flickering every time a topic is discussed in front of me that sends waves of exhilarated impulses of excited passion waking the dormant part of my other side up..i cant deny or hid it from him and it has lead to countless conversations lately about things that make me so uncomfortable about my value and WORTH its taken on a life of its own inside my head..

yet, I am stuck and unable to move out of this comfort zone I have lived in while surviving my life all this time except for my once in a while whim moments, that other than that I don’t really know any other way..its almost like im a child able to make her first real grown up life decision for the first time that seems to feel very heavy for me, like the kid in a candy store being told to choose one out of a whole room of sweets which they want first..im just utterly overwhelmed and distracted by purpose..

of course I would draw THE HERMIT reversed, because the universe is screaming shouting for me to get the fuck out of my comfort zone, out of my house, and into the light..to go out and breath in the universe from a perspective that is opposite of what I am currently doing counter productively..i don’t need any more deep thinking time within the landscape of my heart and soul, I need to take what I have and bring it forth outside into its life connecting back with society that I have spent time protecting myself from, because I decided I hated every one..snort snort

sometimes, we are unable to understand directly what is being said to us, even when it is spoken in our own language and by people who truly have our best interest..sometimes we are operating on past mechanics using newer software but coming up short because we haven’t really cut the cords that are tangling us up instead..sometimes we are so damaged that even though we have mended the cracks in our threads, the chips in the system still have a way of shaking you off your path, just to test out your evolution, skills, courage and show you whos boss..

I know exactly why I shuffled these cards, being another indicator and push towards something much greater than the currant view of my kitchen table and apartment living room..im sure im not alone and there are plenty of people rafting this boat with me, not sure of risking for a dream, taking chances that can cost a lot of time energy and money without any reassurances..i wish I could be braver to gamble and throw the dice to see where all this takes me, instead of coming up with a thousand and one excuses for my lack of worth and using a millions reasons why I should..

I guess the hermit is requiring of me to sign up for a class, or do a workshop, or just get the fuck out of my house and space and open myself up instead of closing myself off..god how I love my cards, even when then force my hand…peace love faith hope

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