I thought therapy would be my salvation because of what I saw on T.V

 

 

I remember the first time I went to counseling I was mid way through my 27th year, a new mother to an 8 month old daughter, separated from my first husband and trying to readjust back into American life after living out of the country in Israel for over 7 years..i was in massive culture shock, angry, displaced, back living with my parents and completely out of my head being a single mother..

I thought therapy would be my salvation because of what I saw on T.V and the outcome of people..WRONG, because it wasn’t like fucking anything I EVER imagined and was no way equipped to deal with..the woman who was much older, frail, very thin and with a bright red icy cold lipstick smile, simply wanted me to speak about my childhood, when clearly I was in a temporary state of minor PTSD and needed tools for my present crisis RIGHT NOW..

after 4 sessions of having to relive childhood memories and feelings that I had hidden under the carpet and shoved deep within a padded lock closet that made me sick to even bring up, I realized this scenario was not going to help me at all..this was clearly not the woman nor was it the type of help that I specifically spiritually emotionally needed to support my present disastrous moment I was trying to stay afloat in in while my ship was sinking beneath me..

I some how within that year got the balls to file for divorce and reclaim my “happiness”. I started cosmotilogy school for nails and got a license that aloud me to build a manicuring career instead of working at the local drug store as a cashier feeling humiliated and waiting tables at the local diner in order to take care of my daughter..it was a struggle daily but the love i had for my beautiful little baby girl forced my hand to arise and survive..

my second attempt at therapy  was years later in couples counseling which was horrendous going on my second expired marriage due to the lack of authenticity on both sides, with no desire to actually fix what to some feel isn’t broken..im not sure if it was just the shitty ingredients all together that made it a horrible experience, or if it was just that not all people are qualified no matter the initials at the end of their name to treat all people and I happened to be on the couch of the most unqualified for me at that time..

I started to empower my own self with yoga and by simply watching oprah believe it or not..i started to adamantly read lots of self help books gaining the ability and knowledge to begin to own and fix my own shit without really needing the effects of a couch, a cigarette, and a therapist with a cute clipboard nodding and taking notes..i became my own lifeline over time and found a way to take my shit to the gym and work out and work in what I was learning becoming  healthier and stronger in my all around sense of self..

For one, I learned no matter the professional there to help you, if you are not ready to do the work yourself and change, no matter how qualified that person is, you won’t heal and fix the dented wounds in your humaneness..I actually had to hit my bottom of the bottom rock  spiritually and emotionally surrendering on my internal faith to understand the darkest spaces that hold the brightest of lights..

I had to understand these experiences and the wisdom that life offered me, were tools of schooling to better understand the power to which I now can radiate at..I had to personally own my shit, all of it, and start to fix, change, get rid of, and sensor what wasn’t going to uplift me and elevate me to my next mountain i climb daily..i cleaned house literally and figuratively speaking even if it pissed off a lot of people..

I went to a therapist the other day because i need new tools in my box for shit beyond my scope of wisdom.. I researched and had picked specifically this woman for the reasons as to why I chose to take this path again..one could say my luck sucks in this scenario but I have encountered PURE MAGIC in the number 3 being that this woman gave me hope..she will be the facilitator in this process, for i left feeling hopeful for the first time within the disgusting dynamics that lead me there to begin with..

sometimes you have to be willing to admit you need help as throat choking as it is, and then take a leap of faith within that practice of feeling uncertain..you have to be willing to be raw and vulnerable, exposing and admitting all your flaws and insecurities in hopes of holding an enlighten space that aids in your healing process..you have to be able to get over your self and leave your ego at the door and truly commit o the process even when it hurts and leaves you to have to cry..

those tears are the most cleansing purification  component to your soul, letting you wash the inner emotional baggage that needs an overdue cleaning cycle..it is there you find the pureness to your delicate heart and spirit holding a space for warmth and compassion..may we all find what it is we seek for guidance in whatever capacity that you can honestly and openly..peace love faith hope

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