for fuck sake its only a fucking coffee machine..


I came home from work saturday to find awaiting my arrival a huge wrapped gift on the chair, giving me a sense of anxiety because it was in my specific space at the kitchen table letting me know this present was for me only..i automatically said to my husband that I wasn’t accepting gifts right now, and that I wasn’t going to open it refusing its presence at the table because im not good with getting and receiving gifts, which makes me very uncomfortable..more layers of my fuckedupness..tadaaaaa..

after I bombarded and interrogated him with questions around this specific package before opening it because that’s what I do, I reluctantly accepted my gift trying to enjoy the moment that sounds so utterly unappreciative and ungrateful..thankfully he knows me well enough and so intimately that the awkwardness I display when I am put on the spot is a deflective response to my insecurity of being given something spontaneously..

as shitty as I know it sounds because I can see who I am on the other side of the equation, its actually a reflection of the unworthiness I feel deep inside about myself towards stuff I feel I haven’t done anything to deserve..spontaneous gifts are the worst for me, because I revert back to a belief I once had of “what is this going to potentially cost me” mentality to my already in motion for no reason survival skill flow of how I maneuver through my life..pretty fucked up and sad, but this is my utter truth..

i was slightly afraid to open my present but was super stunned to see I was gifted a brand new shinny bubble looking COFFEE MAKER..once I got over the initial shock of the gift which my poor husband is also accustom too, I started to think about what was wrong with my beloved black liquid brew maker that I am habitually so loyal too..what will be of the machine I now no longer need because I just received a new one without ever knowing the old one was defective, which it isn’t, my husband just wanted to upgrade it for me..how kind and thoughtful even though I am a repetitive creature of habit..

sometimes life forces us to go with the flow in a new stream, and for some that’s really easy but sometimes not for me yet im consciously trying to flow here out of my habitual element..i am a total creature of habit, and now i have a new shaped and different maker coffee machine I would otherwise not pick for myself..this one is a bubble instead of the square shaped and its a kitchen aid instead of the Cuisinart I have always bought and not for any specific reasons, im just that fucked up in having change ..

for instance, I have leased the same square box of a car the last 3 leases on purpose because I hate change, and I like what I like making it so simple and uneventfully since I know what im getting and there will be no surprises along the way..i drive a patriot and if my husband decided to one day surprise me with an upgraded vehicle that was bubble and out of the make I have been driving since 1997 I would probably be having the same emotional anxiety as I did with the fucking coffee machine..

I know I am bad, bad bad bad, and I am trying to find love with the bubble machine that makes me my most treasured liquid of delicious black gold brew of coffee, and for fuck sake its only a fucking coffee machine I keep reminding myself, but that’s how my internal fuckeupness rolls, is any body else like this???

so to the new machine, i thank you for your patience and understanding while I try to get over myself and bond with you..eventually I will smile at you with joy instead of making a stone wall face that you are currently receiving while providing me with my beautiful beverage..to my old brew maker, I bid you a loving farewell, and I hope whoever claims you will love and treasure you the way I have all these long delicious years..

to my wonderful husband who has had to put up with so much of my fuckedupness, I love you and think you are truly the kindest, greatest, patient loving human being I have ever been around..you make the things I am utterly ashamed of, normal, and allow them to be beautiful because they are an extension of me and who I am..you understand and bring light and humor to things making me laugh instead of want to bust out In tears that some would find repulsive and offensive and for that I am truly grateful that you are YOU..

may we all have the ability to own our shit, even if it is embarrassing, stupid or whatever..by sharing your truth honestly and openly you unfuck the fuckedup one fucking step at a time, making yourself a real feeling thriving messy human being which is the most authentic genuine way to roll..cheers to my brand new beautiful bubble looking coffee maker and to my beloved beautiful husband! peace love faith hope

 

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