I figured out back in my late teens the crisis of my heart and spirit

I reheard a quote the other day from a woman who I saw a long while ago lecture on the super soul sunday program..yes, I watch oprah, and even record specific ones that I keep for when I having a low point moment to recapture that zest of truth I need to hear from an outside of my self place..


when I first heard this quote, I had to roll it around my head a while, since I am not used to having a parent liberate me, nor uphold any wholeness what so ever..i had to really repeat it a dozen times in order for it to even register within me, because the nurture I was raised in was the complete and utter opposite of this beautiful statement..

I think for most of us, this statement is probably a hush hush, now lets not rock the table kind of statement because it requires of us to really FIX OUR SHIT..not a lot of people have that kind of weaponry to go back and fix, repair, restore, refresh, heal, FORGIVE the shit that has gone down in our lives over the course of our existence..i see so many people with so much shit under their carpet its amazing..still brushing it along..

you have these incredible business type people, high powered people running massive enterprises who are ill equipped to get to their heart and plug into an emotional source that is desperate for their fixing, yet they can fix and repair a work environment without the bat of an eye lash..it amazes me truly..

I figured out back in my late teens the crisis of my heart and spirit when I tried to take my life a couple of times and failed..miserable in my own truth and completely unable to speak my truth,  I had to lie about that to cover up the pain I was in in order to avoid any more conflict that would arise from my attempt..i was so afraid to see things any differently because what I saw was all I knew..

i think physically I really wanted to not live because I was so tired and exhausted, while in my spirit I was shouting so loud that nobody could hear my pleas and see the pain in my eyes that I needed to be rescued from myself..i felt pathetic that I wasn’t even successful with that, yet I learned after is i had a higher plan and purpose in the making..

I don’t really ever speak about or mention this time in my life or what I did, simply because it was so personal and painful with great shame..the blessing that came from my waking up was it aloud me to be able to leave a toxic environment and travel to Israel which was my greatest escape..

it was there I started to cultivate a desire for a self love and preservation that nourished my depleted self and aloud me to let people back in and care for me in a way I desperately needed..as a Scorpio by nature I am reclusive and have a tendency to isolate when I am not my best self so it was refreshing to be free and let loose again in a completely different environment, surrounded by so much love and unity..

I think it is imperative to get your shit together so you can be a better you for yourself and the people who are around you that you relationship with..i have done so much self work on my own without ever going to standard therapy because no matter how many people you clinically see, if your not prepared to step up to that plate and batter that shit up, no matter how many couches you lay on, it will forever remain the same.

I have very liberated children, due to the unbrokenness I once was and the WHOLENESS I now am..i fixed and continue to fix and heal the cracks in my foundation and nourish my heart and spirit on a continuous basis..my once upon a time mother, wished me once, children “just like me” so she could relish in the art of her misery for raising me..id like to raise her a glass and thank her for that wish, I couldn’t be prouder of the children I created from the brokenness to which I came from..personal freedom is beautiful, and bountiful..peace love faith hope