Have you ever met a narcissist before? I mean the true blue real deal narcissist, not the “new age” generation of ones that we are FIRST HAND raising and creating that are constantly photographing themselves with duck lips and posting on all the sights of social media for attention and reaction, who are spoiled with a chronic entitlement issue, that we applaud everything they do, even when they are medioaker and don’t deserve it, not that type of quasi narcissist..
i mean the “old school” narcissist, the one who is quite polished physically, sees themselves above others, sophisticated looking and acting while believing in their smooth talking bla blas, utterly convincing, attentive to you, complementary, arrogant and has a story about themselves that keeps you attracted and on the edge of your seat until they hook line and sink your ass selling you their bullshit drenched in betrayal and saturated with utter lies as they pull the shade right over your eyes when you begin to question their story..that kind.
there are so many variations and levels of this personality trait that at times it hard to decipher the really fucked up ones from the ones who are so badly wounded that its done out of a will to survive..i can relate my whole life around these types of personalities that surrounded me while growing up and the survival skills I needed in order to stay afloat having drunk the kool aid for years and being sober from it for a while now..
the knife marks in my back metaphorically so to speak and the bruises I have inside from the abuse endured I think will forever be there as a reminder, enough that when they creep back up its like these wound begin to weep their own set of tears for me all over again..it took me a long time to relearn the idea behind unconditional love because the love from a narcissist isn’t a real love at all..
I think as a child I happen to picked up on some of those narcissistic qualities creating a fantasy as an escape from my inner life, not quite understanding its consequences..i told lies to other kids in the playground of things I believed from what I saw as normal behavior and yet also created a façade around the real me as self protection that was utterly insecure and badly deprived of healthy loving attention. i believe I tried to sabotage other kids as a self defense mechanism from the hurt and the pain I suffered, looking back on the whole entire portrait of it now, makes me sick, and utterly sad in so many different ways..
see, as a kid, we see things as exactly as they are despite the projection our parents try to defuse us with when they notice..we mimic what we see and know, acting out the drama before their eyes without any intention within its purest form..we learn the trade to which we are taught through being their witness even if as parents you want no credit and then passively aggressively react to our own act….it all begins at home, for the eyes of our children watch us accurately even when we as adults are not paying attention, their eyes and ears are on us always..
sometimes we don’t have a choice as to how we grow up, but we have a decision to make as an adult as to how we want to continue to grow..you can decide to create a better outcome for yourself educating and arming yourself with loving people who nurturer you and encourage you to blossom, or you remain where you were still sipping the juice that makes you not feel good and leads you down a path making you still feel like your bat shit crazy while loosing your shit..
I had to created boundaries for these narcissists, that are not negotiable and a structure for my family that is loving healthy compassionate and kind.. I had to cut the cords physically and energetically to free myself from the toxic abuse I cant subscribe to anymore..im getting the kickback of my actions because a narcissist hates to be ousted and will work harder to sabotage you and anything in your way..you have to have the thickest of skin and not care what is said in the meantime and wait patiently until they fuck themselves and begin to leave you alone..
I am not afraid of who I am, or how I became who I am now..i shine brightly with in the power of my own creation, despite the criticism and mental emotional baggage I had to carry around for years our of fear and being afraid if I called it for what it was..i am here now, because of the journey I took and risk I made to share my story unapologetically for once, because I survived and thrived after my relationships with first class narcissists ..may you all be able to stand in your truth one day, one time, one way..peace love faith hope