I was watching the bachelor in paradise last night and something in my head clicked when the light bulb went off about our toxic yet gratifying human behavior..i have explored my emotional life in deep depths and have first hand realized the effects of the compulsive behavior though the effects of rejection as I watch poor Ashley I commit to the compulsive behavior of her obsession with rejection.
for me, I can pin point it to the understanding of the abandonment I suffered as a fetus, new born, toddler, teenager, young adult all the way up to a grown woman..i was rejected in my mind, heart, body and spirit from the earliest age that I can remember i was adopted, and used it to define myself while nourishing the deepest darkest aspects of my being..
I cultivated a force field entwined with rejection that I believe I was obsessed with having, and choose not see the other tools I had been taught over time that would release this emotion I was addicted too..i choose people who I knew would reject me on some level of comfort to feed the internal dialog that came from my head and not from my heart that solidified the false belief i had for myself..i some how orchestrated the symphony of destruction single handedly enjoying the pain of the music each and every note..
I sabotaged my relationships with others as a self protection mechanism and used my addiction to rejection to pacify this belief while sabotaging the most import aspect in my life, me..i held other accountable for my self worth as I practiced nothing of myself and did nothing to really enrich my self worth at all..i pointed fingers at every body else and used them all as excuses for the rejection I felt when I truth I was the biggest abuser of them all by abandoning my self and my worth over time..
I aloud others the ability to ride on the band wagon of this behavior giving permission by example of acceptable behavior creating all the experiences I received..i was a first class addict without ever realizing the addiction was the abandonment i suffered and made into a thriving mission without ever seeing all the aspects of the positive gifts that came from my feeling of loss..
the changing factor in the obsession was when i was in darkest place in my life, when looking in. you would never know, and thinking that i am the core problem to all my experiences while forcing myself to see the behavior and participation and deciding in a scary moment to change..
you must be willing to see yourself authentically purely and change the dialoged that you have permitted to be spoken on or yourself to speak too..you must be willing to change the meaning in your distorted illusion of expectation and get real with the truth that you have hidden for fear of the pain and hurt that you deeply feel..you must be willing to rid yourself of the guilt and forgive the people and things in the way of your freedom so you are no longer owned by your past, and have the openness to receive in the present..
i chose to evict the persona i once settled into and decided my specific journey was brought forth as a gift, sharing piece by piece a part of me that was imperfect and valuable..i believe we are all obsessed with rejection which gives way to a dialog of amusement our lower self looks forward too..we spend so much time focused on everything that is missing and what went wrong than what we have gained in the process and the appreciation and gratitude for the smallest and most significant things..
i am beyond grateful that i was given away as a baby, and placed into the heart of people who choose to have me..i appreciate the nurture and nature of my ways, and the gift that came when i started to peel the layers and get to the root of my discomfort and limiting beliefs..i am blessed to be here, NOW and have all that i have and been given by others and more importantly myself..
i watch Ashley i on the bachelor in paradise and hope she can uncover the defect in her belief and recover from the addictive behavior with her obsession with rejection…may we all find the place that brings us enlightenment to our most profound ways while encouraging us to heal and evolve to our highest potential!! peace love faith hope…