I went yesterday to my monthly tarot group class/ meet up, something I look forward to doing for me as a tarot enthusiast and one who thoroughly enjoys “playing” cards with other like minded people sharing a common bond in tarot.
the beautiful thing about this meet up group is that it consists of all types of people who have been reading the tarot cards forever, and those who literally just started that day who don’t even own their own deck yet..it is a real mish mosh from all centers of life, creating a roomful of bright eyed humans ready to divulge into the learning aspects of this magical divination tool.
yesterdays topic was centered around the tangible emotion of fear and how it shows up for as us as a person, and then geared towards us as a reader..it got me thinking about all the times I was paralyzed in a fear based emotion that prohibited my personal and professional growth triggering a domino effect to other outlets in my life which ultimately held me back, when I could have should have could have grown..
for me alone, the anxiety of going to class with the expectation of having to “read” for others is a real fear I have with strangers taking me to levels of nerves exploding inside my core..I push myself to go and participate always raising my hand to overcome this emotion I don’t want to give the control to so I counteract it by putting myself out there exposed and raw even with my skin crawling with fear..believe it or not..
the truth is, I know it comes from a deep rooted place deep within of not feeling educated smart knowledgeable degreed enough to give other people my wisdom..even though im pretty secure with my self now as a 46 year old, I still suffer from insecurity and fear when the attention is focused on what I think and have to say outwardly..
i thinks its why I blurt out things of connected nonsense that most would never breath out their lips and then to top it off I swear the fuck out of my sentences, all as a ploy to get you to stop listening to me actually..its a filter..believe it or not..to see if your going to be worth the time, my conversation, my wisdom and aspects of my heart..
im terrified actually, if im being honest, of reading cards for people in general but am working on that fear that is looming over and around me creating light where there tends to be darkness.. it stems back to the first grade little girl who flunked first grade and was continually labeled and teased academically because I couldn’t fit into their expectation..
this fear really isn’t real any more, its a fabrication of my mental inability to see the journey I have taken that has gifted me the experience that had made me wise beyond my years..the education I got wasn’t the one that you get at a university, but one you happen to get for physical participation in lifes lessons over and over again creating a wealth stash of street smart knowledge instead..
how is fear holding you back, and what are you doing in order to create a space in-between so you can breath into it with an objective that allows you to see that the monster you believe is staring you in the face is really just a figment of your imagination..what are you doing to change the patterned outcome that leaves you paralyzed with fear, feeding your spiritual self with negative subjective thoughts that ultimately capture the true essence of your spirit leaving you to be a totally different person..
I ask myself this too, when will I be able to let go of the things that scare me the most and face this inner beast of a bitch holding me back because she believes me to be a sissy and not the warrior that I know and eared the right to be..are you willing to look at the monster you create in your imagination that hasn’t even a story yet, and make it a honorable fun loving heros journey and let go of the legendary fear villain to all circumstances that doesn’t even really exist until its feed by your negative delightful fear..
so as class ended in time for me to get out of not having to read for my partner because time was up, I decided to rise above my fear and stay after to give her a much deserved reading in return for the one she had just done for me..i delivered a beautiful message while having to read her deck that I have never seen before and was able to tap into that place of divine that is fearless and powerful relentless and without prejudice..while it might be a small itty bitty step, I concurred my fear and decided to rise above and step up..peace love faith hope