it was 20 years ago today I became a title member of the mother club, your mother in particular..a job I took by choice because it looked cool that I had no pre requirements for or had any experience in..in fact, this job took me without any prior knowledge leaving me to be solely responsible for you in a most uneducated blind way, without ever truly knowing what the fuck I was doing..i was still a kid at heart myself, and all of a sudden was gifted your life in my hands..
i don’t think you are ever prepared for life, especially when you become responsible for another human beings life..i don’t think the books i read truly prepared me for this role since shit happens around the facts of life and throws you curve balls and situations that are not written around your already charging hormones and screaming baby..
i cried a lot in truth our first year together, almost every single solitry day and felt like the biggest loser and failure..so many times i wanted to give up because i was so tired and alone and sick of feeling so helpless being in charge of you especially with all your medical problems in the first 6 months of your life, my beautiful first daughter and first of my own true flesh and blood..i really believed i was not cut out to be your mom, but somehow you forced my hand so many times as an infant to step up to the plate that i just decided to stop fighting it an move into it the best i could and hope for our best..
being your mother taught me how to get over myself and begin to start to evolve into someone other than who i was..i was now in a role that i had to fully commit too and give 150 percent too, even when all my chips fell and it became just you and i..you deserved a mother who despite all the set backs and roller coaster rides, would nourish and love you to the highest heights and lowest of lows and you deserved a parent that would give you 1000 percent all the time..i was ok with holding all the titles of parenthood in my hands for you, because you were worth it all..
im writing this letter to you because life isn’t always a cake walk, and what feels like eternity in hell is a split second in reality..i look back 20 years ago and i cant believe your no longer that child of mine but a growing blossoming young lady who happens to have an m16 in her hand..we both survived personal times that could have taken us down or lead us to a path of destruction but somehow found a way to make it only to the edge and never farther than that turning around and seeking out a brighter way..one of my biggest joys is to watch and see you smile..
i don’t think we are so different from each other, we just have different tools of our expression..i love how you are becoming obsessed with crystals and dream catchers giving me a mother sense of pride in you finding your own love in things that in my life have made me feel so happy..these are just the small yet beautiful things i notice and love to see happen and unravel as your continue to expand your horizon..
i wish for you on your 20th birthday a clean slate of a decade, making this an opportune time for you to expand your mind set and state of mind and see your future in a most beautiful way..i wish for you a sense of true inner peace as you continue to develop and evolve into the woman that you want to become making your life count on levels that outshine your past..i wish for you the deepest of love within your own skin and heart creating an energetic string that allows your vibration to bring forth others who shine as brightly as you do..i wish for you friendships, relationships and people who have your best interest at heart and love you according to how you deserve to be and feel loved all the time..i wish for you a moment to feel yourself in the heart of mine to know how deeply and truly loved you are by me, us!
lastly i wish for you the courage and strength that you had given to me 20 years ago, to get you through the times when you have just had enough and can no longer go on..i want you to remember who you are and the power you have to alter and change any outcome in a most glorious beautiful way..WE LOVE YOU shezaf and wish you a very happy beautiful birthday..im now a mother to a 20 year old daughter, and im not sure how i feel about that yet!!