I used to love me some drinking in my younger years, I guess I was the standard typical young twenty something american girl living on a kibbutz in Israel partying all the way through that era of my life..I really just fucking loved a good time, and being fucked up sometimes too much..i don’t believe I did it any more or any less than the peers around me, or realized the excessive binge behavior I adapted too, probably because we were all too shitfaced to notice, realize and or care..when your having so much fun enjoying life, who is really policing the situation when we all had bottles of alcohol and wine and beer in our hands..
it was my naïve opinion at the time that everything should be celebrated with beverage spirits..that every occasion deserved to be with a drink in hand because life was just that good..despite the amount of times I had my insides come outside, it never derailed me from picking up a drink again and traveling down a path of what I would later learn and undstand to be self destructive behavior..im pretty sure my 20s were slurred through most night time activities and conversations laughing dancing feeling so free I could fly away inside my self letting go of all the emotions that deeply polluted me when I buzzed them silently away..
after getting pregnant at 26 I had to chill on the partying toning it down and mother up to a role my daughter deserved me to be fully committed too and soberly present for..although my personal circumstances were not the greatest which lead me to be divorced and a single parent by the age of 27, her coming into my life at that time probably in hindsight saved me from my destructive self forcing me to be accountable..i had to unselfish myself and take care of a human being that I had chosen to bring forth into this world..
my 30s were overly messy again, and I loved me some wine a couple of nights a week..i could drink a bottle without a blink of an eye enjoying the removal of self from the situation I could no longer emotionally be in celebrating the suckiness of it all..the mornings after were horrible and being a mother to 2 kids was even harder to handle since as you age your body has a harder time processing the damage you fuel yourself with..you would have thought I learned from my 20s how hard it is to recover from a night of drinking but alcohol has a way of tricking you into believing that its all fun and games, and for the life of me I just wanted to have fun..
it was the awakening within the wisdom of my 40s I decided to break it off with drinking.. I had an opportunity to look back at all my adulthood and the common denominator in making bad decisions for myself was the beer and wine spirits I communed with..i decided the relationship I had grown to love admire treasure with myself straight was more genuine solid and loving than that of the party girl I once admired in my 20s..i started to notice my environment and the amount of wasteful drinking that goes on and the fucked up behavior grown adults participate in when sloshed and how truly unattractive it actually is..this is why I decided to break up with beverage spirits and only nourish the one spirit that was in dyer need of my attention..
people are too afraid to speak about this behavior because its a buzz kill and god for bid we should be accountable for our behavior and what our children watch and learn via our own public display of education..i later leaned a couple of years ago that my biological mother died of cirrhosis because she was an addict..breaks my heart to write this and share the darker side of her, but because of her, I now know my personal limitations and my boundaries for myself while passing on this crucial information to my children..i no longer need liquid courage to be courageous, I no longer ‘need” a drink at the end of the day because that’s the American saying, I no longer look to the bottle for my celebration for I soberly am able to bring it all on without tis liquid medication..
sometimes we deal with our life by avoiding and numbing the process so we are rightfully oblivious and unaccountable for our participation and behavior..we carry excuses and bullshit obstacles to avoid having to do the work internally because its so painful and hard..so its easier to dress it up and make it look pretty while you are slowly decaying yourself inside..i choose to live a healthy lifestyle, because the spirit within the shell is worth a cleaner ride than that of one I took in my earlier years..moderate yourself to a place where you can find the balance and the bliss allowing yourself to see the reasons why you do what you do owning them to a place you can live with its peace..i learned to check myself before I reck myself restoring slowly my natural beauty within..peace love faith hope