I think sometimes we can make our greatest decisions without ever giving them too much thought without polluting the pureness of its simplicity while keeping it intact..The ripping apart and examining it to pieces, interrogating every aspect of a potential opportunity, shredding it up and feeding it to everyone for an opinion will in the end make it look and feel like a complete hot mess of a disaster..that’s when people begin to nix their plan, changing the mind on something they truly believed in, that in the end could have been so beautiful and abundant..
some people were really mean about my decision to go to Israel to see banana boy, almost like I was a guilty criminal for LOVING with my open heart and wanting to set forth and discover the divine possibilities..i think for most, they couldn’t figure out why after so many failed relationships I still believed, lived, breathed in love and that a LOVE so authentic and pure was out there for me..that for every heartbreak I suffered, caused, created, I always bounced back without it crippling my spirit, hopeful that one day that specific person I knew existed in the fabrics of my soul would find me, even if I was considered such damaged goods..i remember someone telling me once twice a few times, that I wasn’t really marriage material anyway, that I should just stick to being a mother, because I did that well, without ever considering the words they used to describe me as..
perception at times can be the most interesting concept..it gives YOU a view of the room that other people sit in that has nothing to do with you and yet everything about them..it shows you exactly who they are in that moment of time, and its up to you to decide if that’s the advice your going to digest and marinate yourself in..i was done being polluted, disrespected, mocked because my heart got bigger and bigger over time instead of smaller and smaller leaving me to shrivel up and starve myself of LOVE ..i have seen people who are love less by choice because they cant get out of their own victimhood mentality..my feeling is the world owes me nothing for participating in it as a human, an i owe it to my beautiful self the courage of being heroic and tenacious for my own resolutions..
what I learned in the short moment, is there will be people who will try to sabotage your success, your dreams, your golden opportunities, for whatever the reason may be, and if you allow someone else to come in between your fairytale and destiny, then you don’t deserve it in the first place,
as i boarded my flight, i started to think of how real this was all becoming..that within hours i will be face to face after 14 plus years being apart, our 8.5 year age difference, our completely different lives and that this shit was about to get as real as real can be..then i started to over think of the accommodations and my habits and rituals..i started to think about what will happen when i need to take a crap or fart? those are real concerns when your a human being not to mention a female traveling to somebody elses domain..i don’t care who the fuck you are, we all shit and fart! PERIOD..then i started to get anxiety from over thinking the intimacy, and the age difference in my body..i started to become petrified of having to be possibly naked and exposed, because while i have the most vile mouth, i am so shy and modest..seriously..then i started to worry if his family will like me, and do they remember me from all those years ago i lived on the kibbutz..i became my own worst enemy for the duration of that plane ride i thought i was going to die on..
when the shoreline of tel aviv became clearer from the widow seat where shezaf was sitting, ( she was going to visit her aba while i was at the “kibbutz”) i started to become totally over run with emotions..i was trying with all my power to not drop a tear, scream at the top of lungs to get me off this fucking plane , trying so very hard to totally play it cool..the clock seemed like it had stopped moving and the plane was all of a sudden going in slow motion and it seemed like forever until we landed..after going through passport control, baggage, one quick trip to the potty to reapply my blue eyeliner, lipstick and brush the shit out of my teeth, it was NOW time to go through the security door..
with one glance over my shoulder as my final farewell to the life before, i knew it was never going to be the same as my knight and shining armor was waiting for me on the other side..we pushed open the doors into the crowds of people and into the welcome of this most magical day..
P.S to be continued…..