in the wake of tragedy

I was reunited with my biological father jack via snail mail, phone calls, email and eventually facebook back in 2000 after I signed papers to have my adoption file opened in 1998, Just in case someone was looking for me like I was searching for them..don’t get me wrong, It was never about the family I was placed with who became my mom and dad and my brothers, it was about the nature to how I am, and the inside of me feeling like something was missing my entire life and needing the closure to a circle that was incomplete within me..

unfortunately I never had the physical opportunity to meet jack face on after spending 12 years in touch, I lived in Michigan and he was across the country in Washington..for a lack of better words, we simply couldn’t get our shit together and tip toed around each other motivated out of fear and for me rejection and abandonment..i was not in a place emotionally and spiritually that I think looking back I would have been able to handle this type of reunion..then one day I got a call back in 2011 that changed the entire outcome to my story as he was missing after going out for the day fly fishing from his wife..what was supposed to be a retired man relaxing and enjoying his life and passion ended up becoming a tragic ending as he had never returned home to his wife that day, and in the end never returned to me either ever..a tragic accident that lead him down the side of a steep bank and into the river he loved fishing in took him and laid him to rest as the rest of his family and church spent hours upon hours searching, finally hiring a helicopter that found his lifeless body floating within skagett river.

the beauty of tragedy from my own personal experience, is that I am always gifted something in the process..don’t ask me how this works, it just does as the universe loves me and the inner divine connection is something I have been plugged into forever and something I am completely grateful for..i guess I am wired in a way that I am able to take the horrible experiences and find the flicker of light and work with it in order to create a flame, that then I can use to shine brightness into the darkness of the painful abyss..

I received a message during the duration of him being missing from his sister monica, who I had never had any connection too..she reached out to me for the first time ever, creating an instant life line to each other..in our own struggle with what was unfolding we discovered a deep soulful connection to each other that was so beautifully profound I felt a sense of belonging again as I felt inside abandoned all over that day that jack died..i believe he sent me a gift that day, an aunt who I had more in common with than I actually had with him..who knew she was kind of witchy like me, someone who I could build deep rooted connections with, who would eventually heal so many aspects of my heart and close the circle by meeting me physically on my 45th birthday closing the circle that jack and I were incapable of closing together..i was gifted that tragic day my aunt monica, uncle dale, and my flesh and blood cousin chani..blessings come in 3, and while jack had exit stage left that end of November day, what I received in return was nothing I had ever believed was around the corner and for that I am beyond appreciative and grateful for.. the gifts from my biological fathers soul was nothing short of magic..

this past December, my biological family decided to join us for a week in Israel while we travelled to visit my husbands family and our daughter..I got to meet my cousin chani for the first time ever which was amazing to experience..these happenings are what gets my insides flowing while making memories in the process..these are the moments I live for, the connections to people who can dive deep in and have conversations along with having a goofy silly side as well..i got to witness my daughter shezaf meet her cousin chani for the first time and have an uncanny instant friendship kind of connection that monica and I giggled while watching from the side..we were able to travel and show them small parts of this country that is home for eran and I and where shezaf is currently a soldier..

I think jack is proud of this family coming together, the miracle that was created within the tragedy..sometimes what we believe to be true isn’t true at all and we need to venture outward while diving inward having the courage to surf the situations at hand seeking the truth, since it is out there if you are strong enough to handle whatever truth it is that you seek..be brave in your spirit and find the spark that ignites the light within..this is the place where you begin to unravel and blossom! peace love faith hope

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